Used To

I used to get restless every night 

And the calm before the storm gets me every time

Just when I think I'm in the clear

That's when safety turns to fear 

And I used to think storms were short lived 

I used to live off of the feeling of feeling nothing 

And now I can see myself outside of it 

The chaos rages in its cage 

Deep down inside of me 

But I can't let it out because i know what comes next 

I have to put out the fire before it can spread 

I used to be tired after every interaction 

It was exhausting to think of what word come next 

I had to practice every conversation in my head 

I'd rehearse how to sound like I belonged 

Now I don't know how to shut up 

And I love the bravery that I thought I'd lost 

I used to write sorry on every wall 

Just so they'd see me 

They'd see my integrity down on it's knees 

And now I stand tall 

And pieces of my past fall to the ground 

And I'll throw them like confetti 

Throwing my own secret party

For members of my past I used to need

Now I can see my mistakes so clearly 

Written in book I'm still living 

I'm covered in colors from the paintings I used to create 

Spilling ink carelessly before I lose the memory 

of what I wish I could erase 

I can feel the ashes in my lungs

From every fire I've started 

And sometimes it makes breathing a little harder

Sometimes I can see how my heart has hardened 

Not seeing the fantasy but the reality of things 

When I used to spend most of my time dreaming 

But the idolization of everything only hurt me 

And I'm glad that's not the way I see things now

But sometimes I wish I could remember how 

I used to give people every part of me 

A metaphorical giving tree 

But I told myself to stop before they took everything 

As much as I wish that changed 

I still find myself giving away the things that I need

Whether it be the advice I never took 

Or the acceptance I miss so dearly 

I used to think about the old me 

The one I used to wish I could be 

But she was scared of the world and things outside of her own room 

And life is waiting for you when you don't think to look 

And who you become is someone you have to accept 

And I can't wait to meet the parts of me that I don't know yet 

Reviews

[Gaurav]

Some think that life teaches us everything; i think this is not possible. We are the creator of our own universe. And you possibly achieved that. We should be like a tree - tall and full of grace and strong against the wind.

[KCthelastboyscout]

Well written and beautifully structured. After all the chaos in your life you found peace but more importantly yourself.well done