Looking Back

A poem I wrote about loving and being loved and how much it can hurt you

A small spark climbed into my chest
Didn't think it would leave just yet
he said he saw more in me than I could
didn't know how to feel hurt or unsure
I think I liked you better
when I didn't see you for who you were

Heels off
I'm pressed
against your chest
we seem to fit
I thought "this is it"
what I've been waiting for all along

I erased it from my mind
so wouldn't be something else to leave me behind
Scared that it's inevitable
not fixable
for me to think
I'm unlovable

No heartbreak
just heartache
thinking of the last face you made
when you thought I'd stay

Didn't mean to make it hard
didn't mean to stray so far
to tear this apart
so it wouldn't tear me apart

It's so easy to protect
what you don't think you deserve
it's so easy to mistake something you heard turn it into other words
the ones you want to reassure
What you can't find in yourself

Felt like I was someone else
someone who could be happy
there's no way to tell
if love can be hell
especially when it's not something purposely givin up so easily
something that could possibly be free
But it's not free is it?
You have to fight from the moment it begins

Black dress
what a mess
carefully curling each strand of hair
maybe it's never fair
I was so scared to get into your car
to have you pick me up in the dark
but you had no fear at all

I was so far from what you felt
You've already been the one who fell
under a spell
wanting something so risky
something that could break my shell
maybe it was never that strong
maybe I was wrong

You saw a star I couldn't see
it shot across the sky
blinded your eyes
you lost your sight
and you saw something that wasn't right

I wanted to see it too
but I couldn't get through you
you're so willing to wait even now
when I've already shut you out
You'd still be at my door
if I were to give you more

Empty streets carried our car
didn't mean to hurt your heart
didn't mean to change my mind
Your lips seemed to print my skin
wanting so badly to be let in

Yeah you can touch my body
but so can anyone else
that doesn't make you special
What about how you felt
like candles we could melt
and all that's left are these souls
would that be something you loved
just as much as your own lust

Page after page
conscience telling me it's a mistake
watching my eyes wander
looking for a way out
I got scared
just a dip in the ocean
And these emotions are like paint
you can't chip away
it stays

Like characters
I can watch their chapter being torn out
before the story had a chance to be told
I tried to read it aloud
you'll watch her walk out
and wonder aloud
what you did wrong

I tear apart the edges of puzzle pieces
So they won't ever fit together
But i tried to put it together anyway
I rip book pages into pieces
And try to read what they say
I wonder why I drown in a drink
While he's talking to a new face

Happy isn't something to hold
It's something to fold
Until it's so small
That you have to admit
That it's something you lost

But I can't wait
To sit under the rain
With the one who feels right
Sharing everything from
Laughs to heartbreak
The one who completely
Changes my life

To be with him
Is to always feel warm
To feel safe and comfortable
I want him
He wants me
There is no doubt
No need to speak
We don't need words
To explain it.