CHAPTER ONE: SURVEILLANCE

Introducing protagonist. A glimpse into the way things are.

CHAPTER ONE

 

  Sunday

 

   It’s always risky going to the shops. Unless I absolutely have to, I avoid it. Ever fortnight, I get what I can from the market within walking distance of my house. It’s not always convenient, but it is cheaper, and safer.

   To my knowledge, no surveillance cameras monitor the markets, though I  wouldn’t be confident enough to stroll around without taking precautions. Nothing is permanent. Technology is always improving. I can’t take for granted the absence of cameras just because none were at a place last time I was. And I mustn’t make assumptions about the limitations of technology, because all limitations to date have been overcome.

   When the cameras were introduced, it didn’t take long for people to be charged (mostly teenagers) for momentarily blinding the cameras by shining infrared LED lights into them. Technology caught up, and an anti penetration lens was made standard on all cameras. Reflective polymers coat the exterior of the lens, causing the camera to transmit a dull, broken up transparent circle of light that barely obscures the image when confronted by an LED light.

   I go to the market every second Sunday to stock up on all I can find, and use, in my price range. Money, real money, not that plastic s**t, is hard to come by, so the little I get from my mother, I stretch as far as possible. I’ve often wondered where she gets the money. I figure, if she wants me to know, she’ll tell me. I asked once; she brushed me off quite rudely.

   It won’t be long now ‘til all the shops are cashless. They’re heading that way now Australia-wide, following America’s lead. Retailers by law must now charge an additional 10% ‘cash tax’ for cash purchases. The cash purchase rate is rapidly decreasing, so the ‘cash tax’ is working well as a deterrent. You see, cash carries security risks. Cash can be stolen. Electronic transactions through the Stop Over System can’t. And more importantly, cash purchases are difficult to trace.

   The one shopping area the System hasn’t infiltrated is the public park where the market is held. I still wonder how it’s been overlooked for so long. I know I have to take advantage of this opportunity while I still can.

   Still more cameras go up, ‘for the safety of the general public’. This infuriates me, about as much as people’s reactions to them. New cameras are always installed in ‘sets’, never just one or two, usually anywhere from six to twelve at a time. Installations always involve a lot of fanfare - speeches, free sausage sizzles, a great sense of community, and all in the name of safety. Who could be against such?

   The general public swallows what the System gives them, without question. It’s disgusting. It makes me want to be sick.

     It’s not just the cameras. Even the transition from a cash society to an electronic one is simply accepted without a raised eyebrow. No one seems concerned about the lack of privacy or the abolishment of anonymity that is a consequence of the increased security . No, people just smile, happy to feel safe. They forget they were safe before the introduction of the increased security. They forget no evidence has ever been presented as proof of the System’s claims of terrorist activity in our country. The System uses this as proof it’s very existence is working.

   When someone pays for something electronically, all details are stored indefinitely. If the System identifies you as a ‘subject of investigation’ it will analyze every financial transaction, amongst other things, it has recorded about you. System software goes through every deposit, and every withdrawal you’ve made, drawing conclusions. This process is reportedly infallible. If you buy a trolley full of groceries, the System can specify each individual item you purchased. Hell, if you’re lucky enough to live in the newer part of town, the System can even accurately estimate the time you consume what you buy, and then the time it departs out of your body at the end of the digestive process. Even in the name of safety, the extent technology is utilized around us is ridiculous.

   It won’t be long before those disgusting cameras infiltrate my side of town. When I was walking along the beach last week I overheard two mothers talking of how urgently cameras were needed here. I could only shake my head at their ignorance as I kept my gaze down so to avoid eye contact as I walked passed. The last thing I need right now is to be under suspicion as a ‘potential enemy’ of the System and find myself the ‘subject of investigation’.

   This is not an option. The system has no knowledge of my existence.

     

 

Author's Note

Any feedback is much appreciated.

Can you imagine a society like this? Do you wonder what the main character seems to know that everyone else doesn't? Are you curious to see where this is going? Does it flow smoothly, does the character seem likeable, believable?
Do I need to elaborate on anything for clarification or is just enough information provided? Thanks for your time.

09/03/11 - edit
A 'sausage sizzle' is a common Australian term. It is a barbecue often used for fundraising.
Does it flow? Does it reveal too much/little? Am I focusing too much on the 'safety' at this point? Less is focused on this as a broad term as the story gets moving. Any repetitive terms? Any language that doesn't 'sit' right with you (and if not, why? what would you suggest?) Does the final sentence help in 'setting the scene' for the story? I am considering dropping my prologue (I don't know how strong it is to open a story with, and I can easily include the information in it later in the story. However, I am not going to make my choice until I've worked through the entire story, so please have this in mind as you read through the story!). Thanks for feedback to date, it has been very helpful!

Also, I am trying to introduce a world that although technologically more advanced than the one we (the reader) find ourselves in, it is not all that much different from today. Technology basically hasn't been radically redeveloped, it's more of an extension of what it's like now - but generally smaller and faster. My aim is for the reader (later on in the story) to draw parallels between what they read and the world around them. I want readers to be able to ask the question, could this be happening now? But I doubt this will be apparent this early on, but just something to keep in mind so you can have an idea of the general direction of this aspect of the story.

Reviews

[Tobias Bathory]

Hello my friend! this is definitely an interesting read 'Retailers by law must now charge an additional 10% ‘cash tax’ for cash purchases.' this is very true. I found the character to be very aware of what is really going on around, rather than the rest of society that doesn't even question the rapid changes. great work keep it up! P.S hope you've been well :)

[kmcelroy]

Angela,

My review is sitting in your mailbox (not on this site). I can completely imagine a society like this especially the part about a cashless society. It seems like our society is already heading in that direction. I saw that this is a journal entry so I wonder if this is actually the end of the chapter. Does the chapter end here? Or does it continue and pick up with narrative like the prologue, Or is the whole rest of the book presented in form of journal entries. Obviously I am not curious in the least to see where this story is going. lol

[Jim Parson]

I'm enjoying the story so far! My opinion that you write well hasn't changed. Keep it up! I also notice that you've solved the "had" and "that" problem you had in the prologue. But I just pointed that out a few minutes ago! Were you reading my mind? I did read your chapter one before the edit and I agree with you that this one is better, although I'm not sold on the first person narrative.

I think I like the third person narrative that you originally had better than the first person. First person is tough to sustain for an entire novel. You are really limiting yourself in certain areas when you can only use the perspective of one person. But I'll reserve judgment until I've read a few more chapters since it worked okay for this chapter.

Okay, gotta throw this out there...it may be too soon for this and I should probably wait a few chapters, but...

It seems that you are writing some type of futuristic tale, which I LOVE. 1984, Logan's Run, A Brave New World, Make Room, Make Room (Soylent Green) are all some of my favorite novels. If that's what you are writing, then I'm having a little problem. So far, you haven't introduced anything futuristic. Pretty much everything you've written about as "futuristic" (if that's where this is going) isn't really all that futuristic, but commonplace in today's society. IF that is where you are going with this novel, then you need to let your imagination go and really get truly futuristic with some significant "big brother" moments. If it isn't and I'm misreading your plot intentions, then my apologies and I should have waited for further chapters to pass judgment.

Here are my grammatical suggestions...

"Unless I absolutely have to I avoid it." Comma after to.

"I get what I can from the market that’s on within walking distance of my house every fortnight." Delete the "that's on". It reads much more smoothly as, "I get what I can from the market within walking distance..."

"I go to the market every second Sunday to stock up on all I can find and use that’s in my price range." Delete "that's"

"Money, real money, not that plastic s**t, is hard to come by, so the little I get off my mother I make go as far as I can." Comma after mother.

"And once when I asked her she brushed me off quite rudely." The rules say you are supposed to avoid beginning a sentence with And or But, but I still do it sometimes. I don't think you need it here though. Just start with "Once". Comma after her.

"It won’t be long now till the shops are all cashless." Till should either be until or 'til. You are using it as an abbreviation of until.

"They’re pretty much heading that way now here, following America’s leading." Leading should be lead.

"You see cash carries security risks." Comma after see.

"Cash can be stolen. Electronic transactions that go through the stop over system to date can’t." I stumbled over this, but I think it's just because of the "to date". If you remove that, I think it will flow better.

"But the one area this hasn’t infiltrated is the market ground." Delete But.

"And I know I have to appreciate this opportunity while I can." Delete And.

"There are more cameras going up ‘for the safety of the general public’ of course." Comma after public.

"New cameras are always installed in ‘sets’ (never just one or two, usually anywhere between six and twelve at a time), and it’s always a big deal." The parenthesis don't work for me here. I would include that as part of the sentence, putting a comma after sets and making the end a new sentence. "New cameras are always installed in ‘sets’, never just one or two, usually anywhere between six and twelve at a time. It’s always a big deal."

"Speeches, free sausage sizzle, great sense of community. All in the name of safety." That first sentence totally lost me. Perhaps it's an Australian thing?

"Even the transition from a cash society to an electronic society " people just accept it, all in the name of their safety." The WC server threw an extra " in there. It does that sometimes. This sentence is a bit awkward. Might I suggest... "Even the transition from cash to an electronic society is just accepted, all in the name of safety."

"No one questions the lack of privacy, abolishment of anonymity that is a consequence of this increase in security." This doesn't read quite right. I think I would replace the comma with an "and". "...the lack of privacy and abolishment of anonymity..."

"Though the system claims that’s because it’s working, and I can kind of understand how people may come to believe that even though I know myself it’s a lie." I'm going to suggest a style change here. I think you're using more words than you need to and it's a little cumbersome. How about... "The system claims that's because it's working and I can kind of understand how people might believe that. But I know it's a lie."

"If at anytime the system determined someone as a ‘subject of investigation’ they could go through all your purchases ever made." I would delete "at anytime" and because you used "your" purchases, I would change the "someone" to "you". I also think "identified" would be a better word than "determined". Comma after investigation. It would read like this..."If the system identified you as a 'subject of investigation', they could go through every purchase you ever made."

"I overheard two mothers pushing prams the other day when I was going for a walk to the beach talking about how urgently they needed to roll out the installation of cameras on this side of town." The flow of this sentence gets broken up when you insert your walk. How about shifting it around? "When I went for a walk to the beach the other day, I overheard two mothers pushing prams talking about how urgently they needed to roll out the installation of cameras on this side of town."

[TheFemininePad]

This reminds me of being at an airport. I paid in cash for a plane ticket, and bought it at the counter the day of the flight. The person treated me like I was an alien for paying in cash. Cameras can be taken care of though. Infrared LED lights literally blind cameras. You can't see the lights, but they show up on cameras as a very blinding light. Useful tip for you. There are places where society is already like this. There was a line I saw that I want to suggest a correction for. The line that reads, "I get what I can from the market that’s on within walking distance of my house every fortnight." could read as, "I get what I can from the market that’s within walking distance of my house every fortnight."