PROLOGUE: BREATHABILITY

Sonya stumbles across a secret that comes to dominate not only her life, but the lives of her children. A secret that proves there really are no secrets. No privacy, no anonymity. Only control...

QUESTIONABLE TECHNOLOGY

 

PROLOGUE

A few generations ago…

 

   Even in the midst of his suffering, he wanted nothing more than to be wheeled outside to have a cigarette in his wheelchair. Sonya’s mother scoffed at hearing him say such things. He noticed, content to ignore her reaction. That’s why he was here. He was dying for cigarettes, or rather, dying from cigarettes.

   Harold had managed his chronic obstructive pulmonary disease for the past fifteen years. Now though, it managed him. He’d always had flare ups that would require hospitalization from time to time. Once discharged, he’d return to home in his wheelchair, reliant on his portable ventilator. Once an active man, he now relied on his ventilator twenty-four seven, and had done for over four years now.

   He wouldn’t be discharged this time. He was beyond living at home now.

   Sadly, nicotine addiction wasn’t simply killing Harold, but brainwashing him into killing himself. Even in his frail state he still insisted on his evening cigarette, much to the disgust of his daughter and nursing staff.

   Sonya’s mother frowned at the flowers left on the cluttered bedside table. Sitting atop puffers, spare ventilator hoses, and numerous boxes of meds, the gerberas brightened up the otherwise dull hospital room.

   “I guess these were left here for me to put in a vase.” She grumbled as she snatched up the bunch of flowers and walked out of the room. The sound of her shoes on the hard floor, echoing down the corridor, was cold and uncaring. They fit perfectly in the sterile environment. The sound faded and again the mechanical rhythm of the ventilator filled the room.

   Sonya sat beside her grandfather’s bed, looking at the few narrow red petals left behind. Her mother grabbed the bouquet so abruptly the petals had fallen off, onto the bedside table in shock.

   Sonya turned her attention away from the anxious petals and to her grandfather. His skin looked too tight for his skeleton. She feared if he moved too quickly his skin would tear, exposing the aged muscles and tendons beneath.

   With every assisted inhalation, Sonya’s grandfather’s shoulder and neck muscles strained, in some desperate, vain attempt to aid the breathing process. Between the ventilator and drips, there were hoses and tubes everywhere. Harold’s finger glowed red under the red light of the plastic clip measuring his oxygen levels. His lack of ability to absorb oxygen was evident by the recorded oxygen levels fluctuating that would on the ventilator’s screen, and the blue tinge of his skin.

   Peering out from deep in his sunken face were two blue eyes. It always surprised Sonya to see how those two almost hidden blue eyes would come to life as they watched memories from a past only he could see. More often though they would search frantically, as though looking for where the next breath could be coming from.

   “I tried to tell your mother, and now I’m going to try to tell you.”

   The dying man stopped to catch his breath. He inhaled, as deeply as he could with what was left of his damaged lungs, void of their much-needed elasticity.

   Sonya waited patiently to hear what he wanted to say.

   He reached out and grabbed her arm.  His dry fragile skin on hers made her uncomfortable. His other hand lay on the bed. He was beyond summoning the energy to use both at once. He stared at her intensely. Sonya felt uncomfortable under his gaze. He appeared desperate, almost angry.

   “They are…making...”

   Sonya just sat there, waiting for her grandfather to catch his breath again.

   “I’m tired...get…key.”

   “What key, Pops?”

   “My back shed…wall near door….don’t show anyone yet…just you…keep hold…of it.” His grip on her arm lessened considerably as his voice faded away, exhausted.

   Sonya’s mother returned to the room in the respiratory ward, the flowers now smiling with relief in a vase. Sonya watched her mother watching the old man in bed. His head sunk into the pillow, his eyes sunk into their sockets. Sonya was unsure how much longer he could fight. She speculated as to whether one actually got the choice to fight at such an age. If given the choice, would he be choosing this? He was slowly suffocating, and agitated from being deprived of those cigarettes that had put him in this, his deathbed.

   Sonya’s mother signaled for her daughter to say good-bye to the frail man. As Sonya leaned over to kiss her grandfather on the cheek, he opened his eyes and peered out from beneath heavy eyelids. Between the whistling of his inhalations and the harmonic sound of the air being let out of his lungs, the sides of his mouth drew a halfway smile.

   “Get it…you will know what to do…when I am at peace…”

   Sonya’s mother didn’t seem to notice what her father was saying. Or possibly she did notice, but simply didn’t care. Sonya looked at her grandfather and saw sincerity in his eyes. Maybe her mother was wrong. Maybe all the years her grandfather had been warning of the changes that would inevitably come with the introduction of the proposed new system weren't merely rants from a paranoid conspiracy theorist. Maybe he really did know something. Time would tell.

   Little did Sonya know of the secrets contained behind the lock that key opened. Little did she know how easily, how quickly the control associated with the system would be implemented. Sonya had no clue at this time of how this would not only dictate her life, but the lives of generations to come.

Author's Note

Is this easy to read, does it flow? Is it interesting enough in your opinion to make you want to continue reading? Please point out any spelling/grammatical errors, areas of ambiguity or anything that contradicts anything else. Thanks for your time!

edit 01/03/11
further info - this is a snapshot from years before the story is set. In the actual story, the protagonist Catie (short for Catherine) is Sonya's granddaughter. Sonya is not a big character in the story, the only reason she is mentioned here is to set the history as to how Catie comes into knowledge of the truth behind the system (secrets passed down from the much older Sonya). I'm in two minds as to whether or not I want it included in the overall story, when I could mention the acquisition of the key and the secrets the lock it opens hides later on.
Is this chapter strong enough to open a book? I feel the same way about the proposed 'chapter one' also

05/03/11
Another edit. I have researched COPD, to make the story seem more believable. Is this evident in the piece? Anything you find yourself reading over twice, please mention (even if you're not sure why you read it twice!). Any inconsistencies, repetitive use of language, difficult to read sentences. Have I revealed enough to keep you reading? Too much? Not enough?! Thanks

09/03/11 another edit!
I am now having second thoughts about using this chapter to open my story. I will keep it here while I work through the rest of the story. What are your thoughts? Do you think this piece has the potential to be strong enough to introduce a story? Is there anything lacking in the chapter? Are you left wondering about anything? Is it too 'fleeting' - does it need to go into more depth, and if so what and why? Thanks for all the help to date too, it's been fantastic!

Reviews

[TheFemininePad]

Wow this was a great read. I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors. I want to keep reading due to the suspense you created in this writing. I'm eager to learn more about the key, and what the secret is. You leave your reader begging for more which is very important. I had to look up the word Gerbera on Google. I had never heard it before. It's unusual, and that's a good thing. My only suggestion is that you could make the chapter longer. If it's for a novel it should be longer. I really wish I could see where I would improve, but I think it's great as it is.

[Cara Rosalie]

Hi Angela,

Whew! I scanned the reviews already left, plus your notes on edits, so I am hoping my advice, suggestions etc... are not redundant.

This is what I like:
-Your opening line is fabulous. With those few words, I already am inside the mind of one of your characters.
-Your writing is solid, smooth and eye pleasing. Please do not under estimate this compliment. It makes ALL the difference. As a rule, I will go no further than the first couple of lines if I find the fluidity to be compromised.
-You set the scene so very well. I SEE Sony'as grandfather. You have detailed and drawn him very clearly in my mind. In fact, you go into such great lengths about his moribund state, I don't feel you need all of it. Glancing back, it looks as if about half of the content is devoted to his reliance on the cigarettes, the struggling to breathe, his emaciated form. If there is a purpose for this, that will somehow tie into your story, then I say well done! If not, if you were simply 'driving the point home' as we writers refer to it, I think you could use a portion of the space to go into detail about something else.

To answer your first question: "Is this chapter strong enough to open a book?"
I say it's very close. At first I didn't feel as if Sonya's character development was sufficient, then I read your notes where you explain she is just a harbinger for the story. Same goes for lack of physical descriptions. I understand now,
these characters are fleeting, so their features and the like are impertinent.

Okay...here is my "in a nut shell" suggestion. It's a biggie, and I think if you do this, you will have a power house first chapter.
It seems to me that the entire purpose for this prologue is to set the stage for what is to come. It's clear this 'key' is extremely important, and Sonya acquiring it is imperative. I didn't FEEL the importance, however. You told me her grandfather's eyes looked desperate and I understand his ability to communicate is inhibited by the disease, but I felt something essential was missing from that moment. I want to empathize with his desperation, see the pleading, feel the weight of the fatal and catastrophic outcome should Sonya fail to get this key. Sonya's reaction to her grandfather felt tepid. Is she used to seeing him behave this way? Or is this strange for her? Would she really be waiting patiently for him to finish or would she be hanging on his every last word? Even if she is supposed to be a little lost or in the dark, I would think her grandfather would evoke a stronger reaction from her if this key is as important as it seems to be. In my opinion, -- and it is just an opinion -- if you can intensify that last moment between Sonya and her grandfather, makes us FEEL the urgency, believe the crucial acquisition of this key, you will have a stellar first chapter!
Thank you, Angela, for letting me read and review the beginning of this. I hope this was helpful to you. Again, I enjoyed your writing very much and wouldn't have taken the time to offer my thoughts if I didn't see the potential here :)

Grammatical changes/Suggestions:

"Sonya turned her attention away from the anxious petals and to her grandfather." Use Harold, rather than "he". There is no reason not to, so why not give the reader a name, versus a vague "he"

"More often though they would search frantically, as though looking for where the next breath could be coming from." Comma after though.

"Little did Sonya know of the secrets contained behind the lock that key opened." This sentence jarred me. I had to read a few times before I could piece it together in my mind. I can feel the mysterious voice you were attempting to convey, but I felt thrown. "Little, Sonya knew, of the secrets contained by the lock and key." or "Sonya knew little of the secrets contained by the lock and key."

Lovely beginning, Angela. I do hope you will keep at it!

[Jim Parson]

Much better, Ange! I can visualize the room now the way you want me to see it. You still have a ways to go. You don't always have to stop to describe something either. You can slip descriptive words in here and there, which you are starting to do. "...his deeply furrowed brow", "...her wide hips threatening to tip the table," "...her worn and gnarled hands," etc.

Here are a couple of grammatical suggestions:

"Even in the midst of his suffering, he claimed he wanted nothing more than..." I don't think the words "he claimed" are necessary and it would flow better without them.

"He’d have flare ups that would require hospitalization from time to time, though generally he’d come good and be discharged, off to live life at home in the wheelchair with the portable ventilator he now relied on." I stumbled pretty hard over this. Maybe break it into smaller pieces and simplify it? Is "come good" an Aussie expression I don't know? Something like..."He had flare-ups that required hospitalization from time to time. Once discharged, he returned home, living life in his wheelchair and relying on his portable ventilator."

"Once an active man, for the previous four years he’d been..." comma after years

"Sadly, nicotine addiction wasn’t simply killing Harold, but brainwashing him in such a way to cause him to willingly want to kill himself quicker for the very thing that’s killing him. A smoke." Another I stumbled over...maybe too wordy? Or maybe break it into a couple of sentences? It's a clever thought, but the phrasing is hard to follow. I'm not certain how to fix it. How about something like..."Nicotine addiction wasn't just killing Harold. It was brainwashing him into killing himself quicker by way of the very thing that was killing him...a smoke." Okay, never mind. That sucks. I don't know how to fix it.

"The sound of her shoes on the hard floor, echoing down the corridor, were cold." How does cold sound? Because your verb is working with sound as the noun, "were" should be "was".

"Sonya sat beside her grandfather’s bed, looking at the few narrow red petals left behind. Her mother grabbed the bouquet so abruptly the petals had fallen off in shock." I think this would flow more smoothly if you included the petals falling off onto the bed stand when her mother snatched them. Then this first sentence would tie into your next paragraph.

Sonya turned her attention away from the anxious petals and to her grandfather. She couldn’t help but think, and not for the first time, his skin looked too tight for his skeleton. She feared if he moved too quickly he could possibly tear his skin, exposing the aged bones hidden beneath.

"Harold’s finger glowed red under the red light of the plastic clip that was measuring his oxygen levels." Remember about "had" and "that". I would scratch "that was".

"The lack of his ability to absorb oxygen from the surrounding air was evident not only by the recorded oxygen levels that would fluctuate slightly on the screen on the ventilator, but also by the blue tinge of his skin." This might be a bit too much description. "from the surrounding air" is certainly implied and not really necessary. It would flow more smoothly as, "His struggle to absorb oxygen was evident by the blue tinge of his skin and by the fluctuating oxygen levels shown on the ventilator screen."

"More often though they would search frantically..." comma after though

"His head sunk into the pillow. His eyes sunk into their sockets." Just a matter of personal taste, but I think I like these two tied together with a comma as one sentence.

[Jim Parson]

An interesting start and a good read. You write really well! There is just enough "carrot" to make me want to read on, although I don't think "the introduction of the proposed new system" is enough of a teaser. I felt a bit shorted. Maybe just a few more words to clarify? "the introduction of the proposed new system for milking cows" or "the introduction of the proposed new system that would change the world" or "the introduction of the proposed new system that would end all life on several galaxies"...just something a little more.

I would like to see a bit more description...more about the surroundings, more about the grandfather, more about Sonya. The visual I'm creating in my head is one of my own making. As a reader, I'd rather you tell me what to see instead of making me come up with it on my own. The only thing really described here was the bedside table. I don't want you to just tell me he's dying from emphysema or cancer or whatever it is that's killing him, I want to SEE it.

All in all, a very good start and I'm ready to read on. Here are a few grammatical suggestions...

"He noticed, content ignoring her reaction." I stumbled a bit reading this and had to read it a second time. I think it would read more smoothly as, "He noticed, content to ignore her reaction."

“I guess these have been left here for me to put in a vase.” A friend on here pointed something out to me a couple of weeks ago that has been invaluable to me. She said the words "had" and "that" were, in most cases, unnecessary. When I went back through my writing, I was shocked at how often I used them and at how much more smoothly my writing was without them. I suggest you go through and look for them as well, deleting as many as you can. Some are necessary, but most are not. Doesn't this read better?...“I guess these were left here for me to put in a vase.”

"Her mother had grabbed the bouquet so abruptly that the petals had fallen off in shock." Had and that again..."Her mother grabbed the bouquet so abruptly the petals fell off in shock." Better? You bet!

"She couldn’t help but think, and not for the first time, that his skin looked too tight for his skeleton." Delete "that"

"Peering out from deep in his sunken face are two blue eyes." To be consistent with your tense, it should "were two blue eyes."

"It always surprised Sonya to see how those two almost hidden blue eyes would come to life as they watched memories from a past that only he could see." Delete "that".

"With his other hand, he pulled the mask of his face." OFF his face.

"Sonya pulled away slowly; uncomfortable under his gaze." The rule for semi-colons is, each side of the mark should be a complete stand-alone sentence unto itself. This one should be a comma.

“What key Pops?” Comma after key.

"His head sunk into the pillow. His eyes sank into their sockets." I'm guessing you were trying to avoid using the same word twice so close together, hence the sunk/sank thing. But in this case, I think it would be smoother and less distracting to the reader if they were the same.

"He was exhausted from breathing, and agitated from being deprived of those cigarettes that had put him in this, his deathbed." Delete "had".

"Sonya’s mother signalled for her daughter to say good-bye to the frail man." signalled should be signaled.

"As Sonya leant over to kiss her grandfather on the cheek..." leant should be leaned.

[kmcelroy]

Very nice, easy read, not a whole lot of suspense, but just enough to intrigue the reader.

Grammar/Mechanics
__________________________________________________________________________
Even in the midst of his suffering he claimed he wanted nothing more than to go and sit in the courtyard outside and have a cigarette.** Comma after suffering.

That’s why he was here. He was dying for cigarettes. Or rather, dying from cigarettes. ** second sentence is a fragment, combine into one single sentence. “That’s why he was here. He was dying for cigarettes, or rather, dying from cigarettes.”

That’s the beauty of nicotine addiction, if anything related to an addiction can be referred to as beautiful.** “can be referred” is passive voice, revise into active.

It not only slowly kills it’s victim, but brainwashes the victim in such a way that they’d be willing to kill themselves for the very thing that’s killing them. ** “it’s – no apostrophe.

She couldn’t help but think, and not for the first time, that his skin looked like too tight for his skeleton. ** omit “like”,

With his other hand he pulled the mask of his face. ** comma after “hand”.

He was exhausted from breathing, and agitated from being deprived of those cigarettes that had put him in this, his death bed. ** deathbed, one word.

Sonya’s mother signalled for her daughter to say good bye to the frail man. ** signaled not signalled, good-bye (needs hyphen)

As Sonya leant over to kiss her grandfather on the cheek, he opened his eyes and peered out from beneath heavy eye lids. ** eyelids (one word)

Sonya looked at her grandfather and saw the sincerity in her eyes reflected back at her through her grandfather’s eyes, as she told him she would be honoured to do as he wished with the key. ** honored not honoured (technically, it is not spelled wrong, but the common spelling is honored and translates better to the reader) “would be honored” is passive voice revise into active.

[Angela Flynn]

Yes, I am very aware the last paragraph is in a different sized font! I cut and pasted it from word, and although it's all the same font in word, for some reason it's been altered when pasted to this site. So please just ignore that :D