The Richest Heir In The World

The richest heir in the world and he is so bored. He decides to act out his fantasy and be a detective so he can solve mysteries.

Shah is the son of the Rajah of Bahseensey,  the richest heir in the world,  and so very bored.  But he has to fill his time!  So he decides to act out his fantasy and be a detective so he can solve the "mysteries" in the Palace.  People won't like it because he will find out things that they will think is none of his business.  He tells tales of his adventures which no one believes.  But they are true and someday everyone will know it.

He thinks he has no friends but oh he does.  So many are jealous of him.  But no one knows for sure how much power he really has.  He does not even know.  To make matters worse his sister is missing and people are blaming him,  yet he is summoned to help find her.  He takes the case after thinking about it and is sure he will win.  The clues are many and he follows them all.  But he finds when he leaves the world outside is cruel.  He wants to get back to the Palace.  People are fighting and killing for no reason at all.  

People knows he has influence and knows he can stop the blood shed.  Things get worse when he loses the things he needs the most.  If he can't find them no one will recognize him and he won't be able to enter the Palace again.  The night will come and he just has to wait and see if he can get in.  He is worried about the gangs and the dogs.  He knows he will be a target.  He does finally find out his sister was kidnapped and and he does not have much time to save her and his self.

So he thinks and makes plans.  He gets together a army of men,  that he can trust and they will battle to get his sister back.  They travel far and get weary.  Yet they go on.  But after all the travel and the plans to get her back.  He will be shocked at what she does!

He finds her and she comes out surrounded by many men,  she tells him she is not leaving.  That she will be staying because she likes it where she is at.  That she is treated well.  Also she has anything she wants.  They have made her their Princess.

Somehow the Princess has the ruby and emerald pendant and he tries to figure out how she got it.  There are the shape changers.  Are they helping her?  Does she know one of them?

Also there is the wizard that they have to kill.  Maybe he is in on all of this also.  Now Shah wonders if maybe he should let him live.  He maybe able to help with his magic.  Also does my sister know him?

Crystal Palace-There were lights that gleamed and twinkled from fairy spears.  Mountains were covered with snow and icicles hanging from the trees.  The ice was dark and moon beams were shining like diamonds.  It was silence white pure white.  Shah found small fires with no twist or flicker.  They rose up in colors of green and blue.  Shah could not keep his eyes off of the beautiful sight.  The ice was shining and smooth.  So many colors were changing so when Shah saw a dragon flying by.  He could not believe it.  The thing of it is, it was all ice.  It looked like it was blue,  but Shah was not for sure.

The weather was so cold that he wished he had more clothing.  But as he moved around he got warm.  He finally got to Forest Hill and found a fire and there he rested.

Reviews

[Ruly]

This can be an interesting story, but you need to define the main plot.
Due to multiple plots the story is disconnected. Your audience will lose interest right away, they are led into so many directions.

Your character wants to figure out the mysteries of the castle. What are these mysteries? This sound like a good plot.
What kind of powers he possesses?
What are the clues about his sister’s disappearance?
He left the palace and he wants to come back, but he lost something. Is this the master game?
He finds the sister and she is happy now, why is time running on him, why does he need to save her and himself? There was absolutely no danger at all.
Is the Wizard the main game? It seems to fit.
The “Pendants’ mystery” may be the real plot.
The description of the castle puts the reader in a different scenario.
Right at the beginning of your story, you had a more serious plot. “People knows he has influence and know he can stop the blood shed”

I suggest you read the story carefully and completely. Center on one plot and execute a sound narration.
My critique on your work is with the sole purpose to help you improve.
Again, this can be a good story.

[angel]

Thank you I will try it.