Desperation and Deceit

To restrain myself, I try

But these fists want to fly

Getting so hard to control

I want to push, shove, pull

Bite my lip, grind my teeth

Fighting to keep anger beneath

Try, just try to hold back

But it's a calm demeanor I lack

Dying to bust out

To scream and shout

Turning the town black and blue

Something I long to do

I'm someone you want to hide

This time let it slide

Who cares what they think

I'm not the one who needs a shrink

It's time to let me go

Time to put on the show

Before I get worse

Before I become a curse

Bon't treat me like a disease

Just let me be free

What's the worse that could happen

So tired of being trapped in

Let me run away

It's getting harder to stay

I promise I won't come back

Nothing left to knock you off track

I have to make my move

Please, before I lose

Don't make me wait any longer

Hurry, before I get stronger

 

 

 

Reviews

[After Midnight]

THAT WAS AWESOME! I loved it. I especially loved the rhythm and rhyme. So many poems don't have that anymore. It was awesome and there was such strong emotion behind it!

M.

[Mpotavin]

Pretty much, just an atypical rant. Just because you use rhymes, does not make this a poem. It is necessary to include some imagery, something that illicits a sensual response (i.e. taste, touch, see, hear, feel) not just your emotional state. In the particular style you have used, meter is also very important. Lines should have a consistent number of syllables like in iambic pentameter. 10 syllables per line alternating between stressed and unstressed. You have some 6 syllable lines, some 7 and some 8. It really kills the rythmn when you do this.

Your rhymes at times seem forced. DO NOT think of words that rhyme first and then try to craft a line that uses that word. We do not talk like Yoda, so try to avoid using phrases that do not roll of the lips and require thought to speak. Read your poem outloud. This will help you determine the lines that are difficult to speak.

You leave the reader with many unanswered questions. First, you're angry, why? Also, who is you? Please define at least a little bit. Where are you? What are you doing? What about the town makes you feel such rage?

We all get angry, it is the ability to evoke emotions in others that is the mark of a good poem. Engage your reader! Don't just tell me you're pissed off, show me.