About Me

Social anxiety used to completely control me. I suffered from this crippling mental illness for the best part of my life and at the time thought there was no resolution for me. At my very lowest I felt completely worthless, most of time questioning my own purpose. It felt as though I had nothing to contribute to the world and was living in constant fear. It was taking all of the fun out of life making every day a struggle instead of the joyous experience which it should be. The majority of the time in social environments I was completely out of my comfort zone, an awkward nervous wreck who couldn’t make eye contact with anyone or hold down a conversation.

I felt completely invisible and pointless most of the time. No one appeared to take any interest in me or anything I had to say, or if they did it didn’t last long once they attempted to make conversation with me and I nervously stuttered something under my breath. I was so quiet and lacked any kind of assertiveness, always agreeing with people and trying my best not to offend. Sometimes in group discussions I became completely mute, mostly through fear of saying the wrong thing and being ridiculed. It was safer for me just to keep quiet and observe.

I was incapable of contributing any of my own opinions or humour to the mix. I watched on enviously at everyone around me who appeared so confident and self assured. I looked up at them in awe at the effortless ability to do something which I found impossible. Expressing themselves naturally, stimulating eachother in free-flowing conversation. Even strangers seemed to have an instant connection or bond which I longed for . I would have given anything to be like them.

I felt inferior to other people and that none of my opinions mattered. Loving myself was far from easy. I was my own biggest critic and every time I said the wrong thing or did something embarrassing it chipped away at the little bit of confidence I had left leaving me feeling insecure and worthless. If I thought a random conversation with someone had been uncomfortable I would beat myself up about it for days, sometimes even months afterwards.

It became easier just avoiding social situations and people who I knew would make me nervous, choosing rather just to stay in the company of people that I knew I could trust not to judge me, Family and close friends etc. This made meeting new people very hard. It took me a long time getting to know someone and gaining their trust before opening up to them and being able to show my true self.

The early years of your life are supposed to be the best ones but I missed out on so much due to social anxiety. My earliest memory of Primary school was the teacher constantly telling me that I was a dreamer and I should wake up and pay attention. I was painfully shy and so incredibly nervous and self-conscious that concentrating on anything other than the fear of everything going on around me seemed impossible. I remained paralyzed with worry that the teacher would ask me a question and expect me to talk in front of the class.

The seemly surreal world around me was very scary and intimidating at the time. The other kids all seemed so relaxed and carefree, they were enjoying their adolescence, interacting with one another and learning but having so much fun at the same time. This constant state of fear and confusion negatively affected my school work and I was never fully aware of what was going on. A lot of the time I wouldn’t have a clue what was expected of me and found it incredibly difficult retaining information. On the odd occasion that we had to speak in front of the class I found it traumatising.

At the time and for years later I knew there was something wrong with me but like everyone else I just put it down to being shy. I found it difficult to contribute to any of the lessons and remained mute or said very little. On the odd occasion the teacher did ask me a question and I had to talk in front of the class it was excruciating. My whole body stiffened up and I blushed and nervously rubbed my knees with the palms of my hands. Kids being kids they quickly became aware of this and took every opportunity to laugh and make fun of me.

Being so prone to blushing I would blush at everything. A big problem for me was talking to girls. I grew up in a mainly male dominated household and females appeared quite alien to me. One girl in my class in high school took advantage of this and would smile at me seductively in order to make me blush. It worked every time without fail. My face reddened instantly and I would shift and squirm in my chair.

If you have ever experienced a whole room of people laugh and make fun of you, you will know that it is utterly humiliating and can totally destroy your self-confidence, making you feel terrible, even worthless.

　

After many years of trial, error and persistence I finally feel that I am free of Social Anxiety. The feeling of freedom and exuberating is overwhelming and I want you too to experience it. It's taken me over twenty years to get where I am now but it has taught me alot about myself and has all been worth while.

I now take life in my stride and don't get too stressed about things. Everyone has room for improvement but I now have a quiet confidence and am actually enjoying life. I smile alot more and love chatting away randomly to strangers and making new friends. Of course I still get anxious about things from time to time and I'm never going to be a natural leader or thrive on being the centre of attention but I have now decided that It just isn't important to me.

We are all different with many flaws and individual personality traits but the most important thing is that you love the person you are. As long as you are happy within yourself and comfortable in your own skin and then nothing else matters.