Hope

Dear Reader,

I took a leap of faith this morning. I truly was was a test of my mindset. It became of me because I couldn't handle the person I was portraying.

On the outside I may look strong, happy, positive, known and a joke at times. But. I truly don't feel that way when I look on the inside. I don't! That's the horrible truth.

So...Why then would I deserve happiness? If I am able to lie to myself I must be lying to others. Defying there trust and giving the wrong vibe...right? Reader, is it hard to see that this is who I am? This masked figure at a ballroom dance. I hate myself for letting this go on for so long. God it's like my whole life I've been lied to and that may be true BUT it is as if I learned nothing from it. I was lying to myself...

I to often think this way, by losing my Muse, I lost myself. I've tried everything to get it back. My best wasn't good enough. I gave it my all. I would make time, find time, see a time and cherish it. When this 'tower'  I built fell before me, this belief...this...life giving passion, emotion, being... fell apart on itself right in front of me...it killed what was left of this heartless person I call myself.

My best was not good enough...

What I could do, I did.

What I couldn't do, I tried.

This leap of faith will have valuable repercussions. Whether they are good or they are bad I am ready for them. I have nothing to lose, you see. I am fluctuating in a zone that is neither one sided or bound to a definite answer. Things will either move forward or move backwards. The line never reaches one side. It will get close. Very close! You have to fight for it. Reach out for it. Grab it.  Want it.

That is all I can do...