The Truth Behind The Mask

This Is My REAL Life Story..It's Just A Summary ..I Felt The Need To Finally Open Up

I'm 18..I've have a past just like everybody else does..ain't nobody out here a saint that goes for females and guys..I've made mistakes in my life..I was raped at 14 by 2 guys and then a year later the first guy I had sex with was 21..and I was 15..I had a alcoholic as a mother that broke down my self esteem and ambition in life..I ran into the open arms of any grown man that said he could treat me good and my age don't matter because I'm mature to only be 16..for a long time when I was 15,16 i was only attracted to men 19+ because I felt like guys any younger then that were childish and immature..I made a Facebook watched how some girls were half naked on they pictures exposing they skin..that not my mom but my grandma told me was a temple..so I saw the attention these girls got the likes the love the "popular status" ..so I began to do it..I start taking seductive pictures the guys started liking me I got all the inboxes, so much attention that made me feel pretty, it made me feel wanted..like there's people out there that actually wants me I slowly became "popular" on facebook I take a face picture I would get only 40 likes..but I take a seductive body pictures and got 200 likes I ignored the fact that I got more likes that way..my mom told me that because I have eczema so bad I don't deserve to let any guy see my body like that..she told me don't give no man your body while it's ugly like that..don't do it because a man deserves a women that's a trophy ..that can wait on him hand and foot and that man can be proud that that's his woman.. So when I started sleeping around with different guys loving the attention feeling wanted..I didn't feel wanted enough I felt uncomfortable because either the lights had to be off or I had to be under the cover..I pretended that what my mom said to me didn't bother me..but it really did..my self esteem was lowered..I was defeated but to stubborn to admit it...a particular guy names "sysko lavon" is what inspired me to put my story out..because he decided to broadcast to the world that we had sex..he said it proudly with his chest popped out ..well yes it's true..I was 16 and he told me he was 23..when later on I found out he was really 27..I'm 18 now..it was a mistake and it was something I will regret for the rest of my life..but I can't take back..I feel ashamed because I let another grown man get in my head and convince me that it was okay... because of my dads decisions in life he was a part time dad..not because he didn't want to be around me..but because he killed,robbed and hurt people so he was in and out of jail..while he was in jail my mom fucked his friends..along with her prostituting her body calling chatlines at all hours of the day having different guys come over everyday..I didn't understand ..all I knew was while these strange men are in our house and my mom is passed out drunk I have to stay up..i have to stay woke and protect my little brother and sister..I'm a big sister so I can't let anyone hurt them..all the nights of being hungry feeling my stomach eat it self..feeling like I'm tired of eating garlic rice everyday..but was sad when there wasn't any garlic rice left.. but all why I was hungry my mom had a drink in her hand..even days there was 2 packs of noodles left..my brother and sister must eat first..I'll be fine..I'm a big sister so I have to make sure there okay first ..so my dad said..it's not working anymore..you can't be faithful so I'm only here for alexis now..she began to hate him because of that..when she hated him she began to hate me because his face ....was my face.. it wasn't my fault..I didn't know how to change it.. I was sworn to never tell my dad the things that go on in our house hold..I was taught that what happens in your house stays in your house...I was just glad when my dad would come and get me for the weekends ...then he got killed..guys that didn't like him ..guys that refused to walk the same ground as him another day shot him 7 times in the chest and stomach ..SHOT right in the spot my face was at..the tattoo portrait of my face my dad permanently put on his chest to define his love for me.. he died 2 days after his birthday..the funeral was the day before my birthday..I felt it..I had a weird feeling I didn't understand why he was ignoring my calls ..2 days later I found out he's gone...I felt trapped.. I felt like I was left out in this world alone ..the only person I was sure that really loved me that cared ..was gone... After that I didn't have a protector anymore ..my mom began to drink everyday and beat me every night..the pressure of her foot on my neck, the pressure of her foot stomping down on my vagina ..made me accept the fact that I was brought into this world without a purpose..I'm going to die from this..it wasn't meant for me to live ..because if so why am I going through this..it was dark ..I got up off the floor chocking ..I passed out..woke up to my mom standing over me waiting for me to come back to 2s she grabbed me by my hair and told me I'm not worth s**t ..I deserve to die..the look in her eyes was death ..I knew she wasn't my mom..she didn't care..her eyes was blood shot red her eyes saw a random girl in the streets that was trying to attack her....from those terrible moments on I was taught to never hit your mother regardless of what's going on don't put your hands on your mom..so every night I would just ball up into fetal position and take it until she gets tired...after so many black eyes and busted lips and absences from school because I could let anyone see my shame..I couldn't take it anymore..I couldn't bare the fact that I'm in a abusive relationship ....with my mom... I started maturing and growing into a young lady my chest got bigger my booty got wider I was growing up..my mom started downing me more..she started being jealous of me and I didn't understand it..I thought she would be happy I growing up to be beautiful..but I guess not.... I wasn't allowed to talk to boys..I began losing respect for my mom so I started sneaking around skipping school having sex with guys I knew for days, having boyfriends that didn't really care about me ..but I was content with them saying them 3 special words ..something no one was telling me something that I havnt heard in so long that I tear up over reading it in a text msg..I kept sneaking around having sex with much older guys..I kept it going because that's what made me happy, even if it was for a few hours those guy gave me attention and affection ..I felt like that's what I needed on a regular basis like a crackhead need crack....addicted ? Yes is what I convinced myself ..I told myself it was the sex I needed..I needed sex everyday..when really I just wanted affection ..from anybody that was willing to give it to me..I wanted to be held and kissed on my forehead ..and told that I was beautiful ...that's all I wanted ..I finally had enough..I was 17 and a few weeks away from graduating I'm leaving and never coming back..I don't want to be like this anymore...I stayed with a friend..somebody that I used sex a an excuse for the affection he gave me..I played with his head and lead him to believe I was really attracted to him when really I just wanted sex, affection, and told I was pretty whenever I wanted ..which is why he gave me..I started hanging with a guy I had a crush on for a long time..something on the inside told me I don't deserve him ..I questioned his interest in me..my body is mangled, I'm younger, and he could do so much better ..why do he want me ..why? Is what I kept asking myself..he treated me like a queen..like I was actually worth something..he took me on my first real date with no expectations of sex..the touch of his lips the softness of his skin made me feel like I never have before..he asked me deep questions about myself that mentally I was to ashamed to answer..I blocked out the questions he wanted to know I didn't want those memories or images in my head ..being around him made me realize I didn't have to do half of the things I did ..being around him made me realize that there's still a chance I can have the life I always wanted ..I can have the life my mom said I could never have..I felt so wanted and special I felt like I can't let him go ..he made me understand things about myself I was to stubborn to accept. But now because of him my life has made a dramatic turn, I'm 18 with ambitions and goals..I now understand that I have a purpose in life ..don't get me wrong..I'm stubborn as hell the way I was raised I have a mask on the outside but sometimes I'm scared on the inside, I have a defense mechanism were my body won't let people see me cry, or hurt because that's WEAK.. I'm not weak ..I'm strong and angry..I walk around sometimes with my face balled up mad at the world because I feel like everyone is out to get me..short non emotional answers to everyone that talks to me..I learned how to disconnect my heart from my mind and not care how people feel about it..but that special guy told me to re evaluate myself ..think about the way you deal with situations ..everyone is not out to get you he said..your so use to disconnecting your heart from your mind.....that I can feel it....I can feel that cold hearted conversation that your having with me...I want to be the guy there for you..to save and protect you..you can take the guard down..let me protect you..please be the lady that you are around me..stop putting the mask back on everytime we walk outside ..an just handle yours, smile, shake hands, and show a little more compassion with conversations with people..it will get you further he said..it will make you happier take the mask off and as your man..just let me protect you...so I'm moving slowly toward that advise ..I understand it..I'm talking to these teens I interact with and I hear their life story, I ask.. not to be nosey..but because I'm concerned ..I ask because I was scared..I was a victim ..I got tired of telling people because nobody could help..so I pull it out of them and I ask what's going on... when I can feel or see that same look I had on my face ..I find out their life story is very similar to mine..I find out that everybody has something going on..but their afraid too..so I open up to them and let them know I understand....I understand ..let me help you however I can..I don't have much I'm working toward having everything...but what can I do now to make your life a little easier? , any of these teens that allow me.. I play the big sister role..I play the part that out of the whole world ..out of everybody that won't listen to your story..out of everybody that don't believe you..IM HERE..I'm here to talk and listen to EVERYTHING you have to say ..IM HERE even if you want somebody shoulder to cry because your pride won't let you show it..I'm here....my life is great now..I make accomplishments everyday...i have a real man that don't love me for my body or what I can do for him..but because of ME ..because of my personality ..I always wanted the fairy tale..that my mom told me is impossible ..we'll it's not..because he is my fairy tale..he is everything I ever wanted..I have became a better person I never knew I could be ..I took the mask off....I'm Alexis..

Author's Note

I Didn't Write This For Actual Writers Opinion..Or Grammer Mistakes..Honestly I Wrote It Just To Open Up About My Life.