Colorless Soul

If I were to fully elaborate my feelings, there would be no word

Existence of a flame inside me seems ever so absurd

Nothing to fuel flame, nothing to spark

No flame, no light, the void continues to be dark

I used to be a soul of vibrant colors, but the paleness grows

Vigorously as the color is blotted out

The color is not white, but colorless streams of emptiness in my veins flow

My soul lost its color, its vocal chords. It longs to but cannot shout

Reviews

[JayG]

Several things to watch out for:

The purpose of structured poetry isn't to rhyme. That should be perfect for the thought, and seem almost accidental. The fact that it rhymes adds an accent beat to the line, not the thud of a bass drum to shout. "The line is over."

Look at the first stanza of, The Twelfth of Never:

You ask me how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain
You ask how long I'll love you, I'll tell you true
Until the Twelfth of Never, I'll still be loving you

Notice how the thought flows both logically and smoothly, with the rhyming word just happening to come at the end of the thought. Line two is the natural response to line one. Line three mimics line one, in a form that inverts the ending of line one, and line four (abbreviated as L4) completes the thought.

Compare that to your first stanza, where L2 is chosen because it's sort of on the same subject, with completing the rhyme of more importance than completing the thought. Think of how differently you might have written the opening had you known that point before you began. I mention that because the problems you face aren't one of talent of writing, but of missing tricks-of-the-trade.

Look again at The Twelfth of Never, and how the words flow, and provide a cadence we call prosody. Below, I use caps to show the natural stressed syllables of the wording chosen:

"You ASK me how MUCH I NEED you, must I expLAIN?"

Notice how we begin with a, unstressed syllable and maintain that pattern, with the progression of strong beats acting as cadence, in much the same way it does in a song. Beginning with an unstressed syllable is called iambic, where beginning with a stressed syllable is trochaic. The poem maintaining that format, line-to-line creates a feel to the poem that's different from had it been trochaic or some other form. Tricks like this can do wonders for the mood you're trying to create.

Notice, too, that for the first three lines there is exactly five beats per line (called feet). That repeated pattern helps the reader know HOW to read it. But the fourth line has six, which, because it's unexpected, adds emphasis to that last word, which fits with the mood:

"UnTIL the TWELFTH of NEVer, I'll STILL be LOVing YOU."

Another thing to notice is that with structured poetry the rhyming pattern established in the first stanza is usually, maintained throughout the poem. This, too, aids the reader in knowing how the poet intended it to be read.

In your poem's S1 you have two rhymed couplets, with a rhyming scheme referred to as AABB. But in S2 it's alternating, as, ABAB. But, your reader expects the stanzas, except in specified forms, to maintain the initial shape, too.

There's a LOT to writing poetry that's not obvious till it's pointed out. So it's not a matter or reading and loving poetry, it's picking up those tricks of the trade. And a super resource can be found in the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. I recommend that to writers of all styles, for what it says about the flow of words.

Hang in there. It doesn't get easier, but after a while, with a bit of work, we become confused on a higher level. 😁

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[The Anathematic Error]

I thank you for this. I will use your advice to further improve on my work.

[inuSarah]

Such a sad sentiment. It touches one's soul, including mine. Great write!

[nathan]

How are you going to get the color back?

[Coyote Poetry]

Direct, hard and powerful words shared. You make the reader feel and understand the words shared. When we cannot see color. We are blind to life. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Final-Karma]

I watched an anime where the main villain was only a villain because he had no identity in society. The lack of a presence or acknowledgement by the system that addresses everyone. I bring this up because he would ask, "What color am I? What hue or shade?" There was never an answer. This piece reminds me that we all have our different colors but that some of us have none. It has been washed out long ago in the game of life. Thank you for sharing a piece of your mind.

[thaleeyaLuna]

Simply written yet it conveys a lot of meaning. I deeply wish that this person's seemingly dying soul would somewhere, somehow encounter a spark that would ignite a flame inside.
Thank you for inviting me to read.