The Abuser in Me

the title says it... therapy is helping me see some less than pretty truths in myself.

coincidence, control

compulsion and obsession

self punishment, abandonment

deflection then rejection

looking back on patterns

of limerant infatuation

through the stalking

the coercion 

the "no s**t" meetings

the engineered situations

when did it start?

this obsessive behaviour

when did it first take hold? 

did it start when you left him?

or when he got married? 

or did it start so much sooner or later?

it probably re-started around that time

when you were looking to trust and commit

but the person who fell under your love spotlight

was a psychopathic, manipulative s**t.

like a borderline bomb exploded

all reason departed, all sense escaped

running and running

from a truth you avoided

from a truth that made your mind ache

every kernel of affection 

found a meaning under your skin 

throwing down roots, flowering imaginary fruits

of love

yes you love! 

YES YOU LOVE HIM! 

in-spite of the red flags

                         the sirens

                                  the warnings

you willfully ignored it

when every friend warned you

when loved ones implored you

your needy heart convinced you

he deserved it

but really right now as you look, 

you see

in the rear view mirror, 

he's distant, he's tiny

was it all about him

or more about you

that coercive control 

you learned as a girl

it tastes so sour to admit this

but if you refuse to let go:

coincidence, control 

compulsion and obsession

self punishment, abandonment

deflection then rejection

is your pattern forevermore

Reviews

[redalia]

this is a lovely confessional, i found it kind of theatrical! the way you use your voice is beautiful, at times there's a slower and contemplative flow, then it speeds up and picks up this critical tone, you raise your voice.. the 4th stanza sounds as if you're imitating your therapist but with harsher words and accusations, which again, adds to the self-critical tone. i also sense some disappointment and and guilt, like a "all of this happened because you refused to listen and let it happen". loved reading it. the repetition of the first stanzas at the end was genius as it puts the pattern in the poem. amazing as always, i'm glad you shared it!

[ashkat]

oh - you get me don't you?!
thank you for always being critical and supportive. always look forward to reading and sharing with you :)

[Einstein Noodle]

confessional poetry is risky ...but this is a very important theme ..and discussion is needed always for those abused ...its uncomfortable to read from the abusers point of view but for me... i applaud the courage to admit it and seek help working through the issues you mention...the "person" is a little confusing for me...i have read it a couple of times but the "you" and "your" remain oblique to me ..perhaps i am getting tired ;) thank you for my new word of the day in this "limerant ...." when i googled it corrected the spelling to limerent ;) i would love to read more along these lines .. i think it is important .. as usually and way more often it is the victime of these crimes that get it out through writing ..
E.

[ashkat]

completely risky - I know. It's all experimentation with no filter sometimes!

really pleased to introduce you to the word limerent or limerence as a concept. It's long been a favourite for obvious reasons; that love of falling in love, unrealistic, first flush, addictive infatuation. thank you for sp check - i always spell it with an "a" (in my head it fits better too... limerance, dance, trance.... anyway - in terms of the obliqueness of the protagonist and narrator, that is by design. I suppose the point i was trying to make was that the abused can take on traits of abuser, in abusive relationships there can be a lot of coercion and gas lighting and power play so you become confused with your own role. i wrote it as a warning to myself not to become the abuser, or to persist in controlling, manipulative behaviours i've witnessed/experienced. But it is confusing... i think it is a confusing place to be in! Perhaps i'm mirroring that? Really appreciate you taking the time to read and engage and comment though. Thank you x

[Einstein Noodle]

you put a lot of thought into this one eh!? thank you for sharing all that went behind the scenes so to speak ;) such a unique perspective and we can all become manipulative and "abusive " in all sorts of relationships now that i think about it ... even to it may seem "innocent" it really isn't is it ..we get selfish and afraid ...and want to "hit" first ...human beings are very needy when it comes to selfless and loving behavior ...great stuff my friend ..glad that i did not miss out on reading