Give Me Some Hope?

There are times when you feel not so good about the things that happen to you. I don't know about anyone else but what i do is write it all down until i feel better :)

Here i am,eating my dinner thinking about my day and we start up a conversation.I'm blabbering about all the unnecessary stuff.The topic somehow whirls towards cricket matches and i say i hate cricket and that i find it boring, in a mischeivious tone. You say "what are you gonna do tomorrow if you were asked to design a logo for a cricket match would you say that you find it irritating?"(i'm planning on taking  a career related to design) I'm baffled and clueless about where those thoughts come from.I say "god! what does that have to do anything?designing something is my passion and that's ridiculous." We both know that the conversation is pointless.

I start thinking back about everytime  you say this to me,keep on questioning my ability till i'm left with nothing else but doubt.I'm going through a really toughtime in my life.I would not define myself as being cool or neither call myself a geek,well somesay i'm the cool geek but, i do not fit in anywhere i soothe myself by considering me as being one of a kind.But come on! teenage isn't a piece of cake.The pressure at school is enough to drive you crazy especially when the world doesn't lack any b*****s.

I overthink stuff.I'm at a junior college where the only word in their dictionary is studying day and night.It slowly drives you crazy until you are not yourself anymore.There is no game,no fame everyday is as dull as the day before.Too much pressure for them silly grades.I'm frustrated beyond words because that's not me and that's not what i want to do with my life.I end up before the T.V or stare at facebook and try to fake my life.

Amidst all this chaos, you brighten up my day with yet another comment of yours, degrading any bit of me that has somehow,magically survived this.(whatever you call this situation)You irritate me until i reach my breaking point (come on! every element has a boiling point)You say "how are you going to adjust when you go into some other house after you are married? Would  you snap at your husband and in-laws like you do at me?" This is voted your most frequent phrase of  this year. You say this so many times, even when i give you the same answer day after day,it's inhuman if i do not get irritated.You say" how are you gonna survive in a college where you need to mingle with all kinds of people if you snap at them, it wouldn't work out" But come on! I'm known as the peace- maker.You are the only one that i mostly snap at and i assure that no one else can do this to me.

Please! I'm already confused and scared eventhough i never admit that to you because all you care about is telling me things but never let me finish my sentences.You don't even try to listen to me.You spend your whole  day telling me what you hate about me and mom but did you ever try to listen when we try to tell you what " I " don't like about you? Like today during our conversation, i finally mustered up the courage to say "i find it really  irritating when you talk to me like i'm worth for nothing", you said "if i ask you how you are gonna create a logo for  a cricket match, that's questioning your ability?"  Then,why don't you tell me what it is when you spend the whole day asking me a million questions like how i'm gonna do stuff tomorrow when i move out? But DAD,when the time comes,i will manage.I expect a minimum trust from you to let me take my risks and learn from my mistakes. i don't need you turning me into an insecure person.I'm losing the quality that's best in me--"BELIEF"  I'm drowning in an ocean which is filled with doubt.I'm asking myself if i can do things and am trying to figure out what to do with my life because i'm not what you think i am. I have clarity with what do to in life and what i definitely know is i do not want to end up being invisible.

I need you to stop doubting in myself so much,that's pretty much the only conversations we have.You concentrate only on what's bad about me but utterly ignore the good that lies in me.It's like you are pushing it down.Any person needs their Ups to be recognized along with receiving criticism for their Downs.

You have a problem with everything i do, from the combination of my nailpolish colours that din't work out, to me being carsick. If i try saying any of this to you, you end up getting angry at me pretty much at the first letter. I don't even try telling anything to you because you do not like changing.Even if you read this,you would never see things from my point of view.You are always right.Even for the tiny tips that i give you about the way i feel,you call me arrogant because YOU should always be superior because you are dad and i am kid.You listening to me is a shame to you.Because you've seen a lot in life and you don't need a 17 year old to tell you anything. That's why i never tell you anything because i'm not like you,and i respect your feelings.Even after 20 years, i would keep this within me,let it pile up too tall into stress, but never tell you. Because you are my dad, and i love you.

I'm not gonna talk only about the things that i do not like about you, there are things that i love about you too.However you are with me, you are patient with others and support your parents.You have a really nice smile which sometimes makes my day.You are like my crazy buddy with whom i can do all the weird stuff in the world.You never make restrictions about me having fun.You are willing to send me to one of the costliest college in India eventhough i have no idea if our financial status can support that, because you never tell us anything about your problems, apart from the problems you face with us.You have other ways of overcoming your griefs.I do not know about  your case whether you love me or not,but i love you with all of my heart!Because no one is flawless(i just hope you realize that case applies even to me)

I would never tell you any of this, but just sit all alone in my room with this laptop in front of me and HOPE. I just hope that things would be fine between us.

Author's Note

This is just a figment of my random thoughts which i wrote down to help overcome my grief. I would love it if you feel my writing is worth being appreciated and i'm also open to anyone pointing out the flaws since it only gives me room to improve. thank you! :)