A Photo of Me

Bear with me I jus made up that title, initially this was called "unfinished" until i finished it.

I still have that photo

And that day ended drastically devastating, but in that moment

I saw bliss in my smile

I saw energy and love for me in your expression

I saw forever still, still that was when I saw forever

 

The warmth in the tone of your skin

And the contrast of the glow in mine

I remember, I remember so clearly

Your voice with pride that I was next to you

I remember so clearly, your infatuation with my presence

I remember you fighting to keep your eyes off of me

And even after all those years me fighting to act like I didn’t want to do the same

Like I wasn’t absolutely smitten and in adoration of who I was when we were happy

Who we were

To stare at you in childlike awe, like you were a dream

To feel such a serenity when you held my hand

 

I don’t know if you were always this person, and there were signs I didn’t see

I thought I knew you and what I knew was that you loved me

And that we had vision

And that we wanted forever

 

I still have your cards, from birthdays

I still have t-shirts and boxers and shorts and long johns that I try to convince myself I’m only keeping cause they are comfortable but no matter how many times I re-wash them I breathe them in before putting them on, searching for you

I plan to keep them and one day when you’re still not around I’ll show them to our son and tell him of our love before things ended

 

You have never felt your son move

You have never felt him react to you

When I was around you was when he was the most still

I talk to him, in all the silly ways a mommy should

And I cry in frustration that I will never be able to call you

Call you for a break from him for a half hour, let alone a day

It’s going on two months since I have heard from you

And when I picture a month from now, six months from now,

I never see my phone ring with a call from you

You are shunned from our creation

I will die before you can ever hurt him

Writing about you now always seemed unfinished

Because to imagine our forever as something diminished

Just doesn’t make sense to me

Like a question who’s options of answers don’t fit

Or someone cutting me off in traffic to stop at a red light

Or 75 degree weather following a snow storm

Or like the nile river

Or small town politics

Or giving my heart and soul and even body to you for so much time

For so many years to hear you threaten me with court and restraining orders like you’re

Not the one who calls me and stalks my thoughts and dreams and aura when a song plays

Or nostalgia when the spring breeze plays across my cheeks and between the strands of my curls

What a whirlwind you got caught in, of dope and lean and green

And me of dreams of seeing my child, never be anything like you are now

You’ll forever be in denial when he makes us proud

Because it was never your doing

Only fooling yourself

With the wealth of knowledge you think you hold but never dealt

Warmth of love masked by your haze, you will never have felt

And the hopes of forever holding my body and love hostage like a chastity belt

Could be less than a mile away

But psychologically I’m moons far far from the day, from us

In a place that’s so much unbelievably and undeniably closer

To me.

Reviews

[1]

Such beauty and devastation, desperation and freedom, contentment yet uneasiness, love yet feelings of hatred, oneness yet separation, confusion yet clearness.................... Heartfelt piece for the ages.

[Ana R]

Still painful for me to re-read this one. The binaries of life and love make them all worth it, yet knowing that never makes heartbreak easier. Thank you very much.

[1]

You have more strength than most people twice your age; it's quite obvious.............

[Ana R]

Thank you, I appreciate that. I come from a family of warrior women =)