Thought Wrong

I finally stopped crying everyday;

Understood

It just wasn’t right.

With the help of whiskey and words,

I got a grip

On the real world I

Pushed out of sight.

I deleted media,

Keeping a distance

I never wanted to keep from you,

Because I couldn’t cope with

Anything anymore,

Much less seeing you

When I wasn’t prepared to.

But your songs still played

In my favorite playlists,

Voice still ringing

With every lyric I sang.

Your phrases

Stalked me through my days,

Poisoning the words

Of everyone around me.

Dreams of you

Haunted my sleep and

Chained me to my bed for days;

My eyes were locked to the ground for weeks,

But the weather matched my mood

And masked the raindrops

Pooling in the purple bags

From my refusal to see you,

Even in my sleep.

 

I thought it was almost over;

Feeling like this. 

Like the world was

Crashing to a halt

With every hopeful glance at my empty phone.

I immersed myself in work,

Editing and volunteering,

Forgetting to eat but encouraging the growl in my stomach.

Learning I could be

Extremely happy or extremely sad,

But cancel the sadness

With physical pain.

Planning another tattoo

As a way to feel

Without the judgment of my friends.

Counting the days and reminding myself

How far I’d come,

And no one person could ever

Get in my way.

 

Or,

That’s what I kept telling myself.

 

I thought I could handle it;

Seeing you

In the same way you saw me.

I was confident

In my ability to be okay, but I guess

That was just the alcohol talking.

I told myself

I didn’t need you,

Like you didn’t need me,

But one moment with you

Carved a hole in my chest

I convinced myself

Wasn’t there anymore.

 

I’m a pro at lying to myself.

But there are some facts that can’t be

Covered up.

So I swallow my words

Like I swallow air,

Block out the world

The few ways I know how,

Keep my head down and don’t cause trouble,

Exercise my lungs,

Starve my brain,

And ignore my heart.

Hearing the concerns and prayers of those

I don’t believe care about me

Any more than you do

And insisting

This is how I heal,

As if

I actually believe I’m doing myself

Any good at all.

I thought I was okay

Until you reminded me of the

Sweet kisses, comforting arms,

And idiotic smile

That only existed in our little world.

Until I wake up

And see your name after deciding

It wasn’t a cruel dream,

Just a cruel twist of fate.

 

I thought it was almost over.

I thought wrong.