Spoiler Alert

I

Am the worst kind of person.

Now, hear me out,

I’ve been told this on more

Than one occasion;

You see,

I have a secret, that’s

Not really a secret, just more of a thing

That I choose to keep to

Myself for fear of judgment from others but,

Here I go.

I

Like spoilers.

 

The thing about shows & life is that

Everyone knows there’s an end;

They don’t know how,

Or when exactly,

But everything must eventually stop,

Sometimes in the most horrible way.

Not every story can end with

A marriage proposal

And a thief stealing the engagement ring.

 

You don’t know if your favorite memories are dreams

Until you wake up from them,

Until you’re talking to your favorite person

For the first time in months

Only to blink

And wake up in an empty bed.

Whether or not the vibrations you felt while asleep

Were a figment of your imagination

Or if they actually decided

You were worth their time again.

 

I ruin story arcs

In the same way I wish I could ruin

My own life;

To look up who is going to leave when,

Who’s worthy of my trust,

And who’s just going to leave out of nowhere,

Keeping me wide open for the next round of characters to move in and

Pretend they’re there to stay.

I need to know

That Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask

Sort out their s**t,

That Bones isn’t as cold as everyone thinks she is,

That I won’t wake up one day and realize

That I might as well have been dead

The entire time.

I need to know my bitterness won’t

Outlive my love,

That someone I resent

Has been working to save me my entire life,

That when someone says

“Always,”

they mean it in the same way Snape did.

 

I ruin story arcs for a living,

Always needing to know

What’s coming next.

Making sure

The serial killer doesn’t get his way,

That Thirteen gets her Parkinson’s treatment,

And that you

Are happy with every step you take

After you leave me behind.

I need to know

That my life will get easier,

That getting out of bed won’t always

Be this hard,

That I won’t fear going to sleep because of nightmares

I’ll never outrun.
I need to know that I’ll be okay someday

And that my childhood best friend who deserves so much more than me

Will be happy in her own skin,

Because her words are so much better

Than mine

And she deserves to be heard.

 

I need to know these things,

Like an author trying to connect her own dots

Or the teacher

Analyzing pieces that don’t really hold much meaning,

But they try to find it anyway.

 

People say

Ignorance is bliss

But with my combination of abandonment issues

And anxiety,

Knowing the outcome

Is the only power I would ever want.

Netflix is my happy place

And spoilers are the medication that keeps

Me intact.

 

I ruin story arcs for a living.

I wish I could ruin my own.