To Whomever it May Concern

c. 2014 This was written a few years back and, while I don't feel all of these things anymore, I still think it's one of the better things that I've written.

Dear friends,

I'm writing this to the people who know where I keep my extra house keys.

Take one. 

You might need it one day.

Dear friends,

I'm writing this to the people I make lunch dates with

And the people who notice when I skip a meal.

Call me out on it.

Maybe, if you show you give a s**t, maybe I will too.

To my brothers

Who showed me that being aggressive is one thing

And being understanding is another.

To my brothers

Who raised in me in callused hands and taught me

That I better have something important to say

If I open my mouth

Or I'd be ridiculed for weeks.

To my sister

Who taught me that being a good sister and being around all the time

Don't necessarily go together. I love you.

To my parents

Who taught me you don't need to raise your fifth kid

If the other four are doing a decent job.

To my parents 

Who never taught me to ride a bike

Or to talk to other people

Or to be a relatively normal person.

To my parents

Who taught me it was easier to carve my thoughts into my arm

Before carving them into a real conversation.

To my parents

Who taught me that spending money on food and gas

Wasn't an excuse to spend money

But spending it on cooking supplies we never use and clothes we never wear and new cars that break down more than there's really any explanation for was perfectly acceptable.

I'm sorry I spend too much.

Maybe I'll stop buying food.

Maybe I'll stop spending so much money.

To my friends

Who never confronted me about it 

But always went out of their way to make sure I was happy

Because maybe,

Maybe they could fix me

And how cool would that be.

To my best friends

Who call me perfect despite my fading scars

And calls me strong even when I want relapse.

And asks me what I'm thinking when I'm strangely silent.

I love you.

You know I love you.

Understand that I want to tell you everything

But my thoughts get caught at the toll road at the back of my mouth

And it's cheaper to say 

"I'm fine" 

Than 

"I don't know what to do."

And my parents know I can only afford so much.