Brown Recluse

Kept in the jar you kept by your bed

I was almost like your pet except,

The motives and reasons for why I was there

Can’t compare to the love a pet would get.

 

It was fear sugarcoated with friendly words

You would tell me whatever you wanted,

If I echoed anything you told me

The whispered words would not make it past the lid

 

That is

 

Until the glass shattered, 

when the jar was tossed aside

Carelessly backhanded, I hit the floor,

and climbed over the shards up into your bed.

Eight eyes stare to your sleeping soul.

 

It might have been your left arm

Or it might have been your right

But my fangs longed for blood

Red blood cells pulsing with every heartbeat.

 

Climbing up your spider veins

Like the spider climbing up the drain

I sympathized with your pain,

I can’t change who I am.

 

I needed to live,

But you did not understand.

You kept me starving in the jar

And I do what I can.

 

A spider is a spider,

I cannot be anything else.

You knew this when you captured me

But the false sense of security

Clouded your memory

 

I am not your diary

I’m your undoing.

Author's Note

I just found this and don't know how long ago I had written it. I tried to fix some of the rhythm problems but it is far from perfect. Let me know what you think

Reviews

[GamingGal]

Pros: Rhyme scheme is always a good thing that helps a poem along, and you used it beautifully here. The poem flowed by itself, but that extra nudge really did the trick. Also, I loved the single lines in between some of the stanzas. It makes one stop and focus on what they are reading. I also loved the lines "climbing up your spider veins like the spider climbing up the drain." I love the two references to spiders. Very clever. The last two lines tie it all together wonderfully.

Cons: In the fourth stanza, the last line is superbly longer than the rest. The rest of the stanzas slowly get longer, or go long, short, long, short and they flow. That stanza is short, short, short, long. It messes with the flow a bit. Also, the last two lines "I am not your diary/ I'm your undoing." This is just a personal peeve for me, but I think if you are going to use the same words, just in different forms, you should stick with one form. Yes, I understand you probably did that for flow reasons, but it's just a suggestion.

Overall: I enjoyed the poem quite a lot, especially the constant metaphors and fantastic story that it told. Great job.

[Bette]

very good. nasty little holes those suckers make, to rot the living flesh is true talent. Hats off, hands up, well done.

[Greg Skura]

Great Write! Nice metaphors through out this poem! :)

[E.H. Monroe]

Ah the all famous Hobo spider.
Feels like the skin was caught on pants then you have a f*****g lump the size of a basketball and someone pinning the puss flow.
The clear message of keeping someone trapped is an age ol issue that has been told a zillion times, you just found one of the interesting ways to do it. The research into how hideous the damn thing is almost matches the vile bite of the Hobo.
I can't stand criticals, beause we're all just retards with a niche. I only say what I would have done.
I would have opened up the longer rhymes, not tried to follow the four line so tightly. Let the damn thing breathe some fresh air.

Nice word, and sienticially sound.

Booya
Open up some of the rhyming line

[Nothing Personal]

I think it is great..Wonderful piece of writing. Full of allegories and metaphors and your rhyme scheme is good..It is all about the sense of timing and connectedness of the flow..Thats there..

"That is"-- creates a wonderful effect of falling and impacting hard on our minds..
And what magic Last two lines.. Im your undoing..Oh I love it..Great poetry..Keep it up Ali

[Gone]

I like this poem. It has a sense of justice to it that appeals to me. I also like the way you have single lines between some of the stanzas. Most enjoyable.

[OT]

I really liked it! was dark and the rhythm is pretty solid, although I would take out 'one' in the second last stanza to make that line flow easier! nice work!!!

[An owl on the moon]

You mysteriously move around through those dark places in the mind and place a twinge of fear and loathing amidst those creeping corners... This made my mind wonder and wander round life and love and all else fragile.