Lonely

Not much.

 

 

 

At the end of the day

Alone in their abode

She sits in loneliness

Where his love once flowed

 

She sips her drink in silence

The taste lingers for a little while

Unlike his everlasting love

And the sunshine in his smile

 

As she lights up to unwind

Circles of smoke rush upwards

She watches the rings disappear

Like an incomplete love affair

 

An hour later, the smoke filled room

Smells of the past; the past is her home

His love continues to haunt and the memories still hurt

Only in this darkness can she find comfort.

Author's Note

Looks unfinished to me. Needs work.
Suggestions would be helpful.

Reviews

[Spoken]

well if it's unfinished it's an excellent start. Very relatable to many.. sitting with your drink of choice, a smoke, and thoughts... for me it's coffee, cigs, computer and thoughts :)

I like how you've used the taste of the drink and the smoke from the cig to reflect the love that has faded in the one that was lost... very nice!

[Wildecat]

I personally enjoyed reading this poem, I am sure that most of us can relate to this rather well. Nice write.

[Serendipity]

As always, beautifully perfect.

You express perfectly and painfully, as "She sits in loneliness". Searching for comfort in the darkness that she finds before her, wondering where the time has gone, as "His love continues to haunt and the memories still hurt."

[Salvatore Buttaci]

A good poem but it's not a clerihew.

Sal

[Salvatore Buttaci]

A good poem but it's not a clerihew.

Sal

[Salvatore Buttaci]

A good poem but it's not a clerihew, which this contest requires.

Sal

[Helena]

Beautiful poem. It had the real taste of "loneliness" all the way through and you have captured the contest theme well.

Good flow, descriptive and the picture just topped it off nicely.

Thank you for submitting this to my contest!

~ Helena ~

[Wisconsin]

Ha, I've been tired all day. Just sat down and said, "I need some caffeine" to myself. Because I say stuff to myself when I'm tired, apparently.

Taking my break and came to the cafe, saw your profile, thought it was a somewhat funny coincidence.

This did wake me up a bit.

It does invoke a feeling in me, so that's good. Hmm. Not sure what else to say because everything else has already been said.

I like the way it ends. You think it sounds incomplete, but I think that kind of works for it. Works with the entire tone. It gets cut off a little, but so did the relationship in the story, and that's what loneliness kind of is. She keeps remembering some guy in a happy light, but the whole thing just sort of got cut off, just like the poem. Right? I dunno. I'm not a very good poet.

[☮]

Caffeine, cigarettes and thoughts. All too familiar. Loved it.

[Tony Hwilka]

Caffeine when you are finished writing a poem what do you do? Tell me exactly. Do you rewrite poems? Your right it needs work but hey every poem needs work. First I would leave the first line out and start with the 2nd. I'll stop before you end up hating me. Tony