�It�s like I never loved you at all�

I have not yet adjusted to this life without him. I miss him still. Incidents like these, make it worse.

I have to submit a report today, for which I needed to look up the net for some information. Lots of work and very little time.

 

Even then,  when I logged in yesterday night, I found myself clicking on the website of the place where my Ex works. Since the breakup last year, I have thought of little else so it is ‘normal’ to be curious, I thought.  What I found there, made me laugh (out of joy), made me cry (because he wasn't with me ), and yes, it made me want to die (because of the hurt it caused). I stopped myself from printing out the proof of his achievement, posted there because that would give me reason to continue to think endlessly about my discovery on that site. I knew I would hold that precious piece of paper close to my heart, where I have still preserved him and I will let it soak with my tears.

 

A little line at the end of the page told me that the page had been updated that day.

Would you call this telepathy?

How was I to know that he would be rewarded for his efforts “that particular day”?

I just happened to login and that BIG NEWS was there for all to see and read and for some to congratulate him.

 

This incident took me back in time to May of 2007 when I had cleared an important examination soon after the relationship had ended. Friends and family were happy for me but I kept wishing I had him to share the news with.

I kept telling myself things like - “He would've been proud of me” and that “my success would've made him happier than it has made me.”

But I missed his hug. He did not even get to know. Probably, he doesn' t know I have achieved that goal...and still thinks that I'm working in that direction.

When I read of his accomplishment yesterday, all of a sudden I felt helpless.

It’s like I never loved him.

I cannot share my happiness with him, he cannot celebrate with me. We’d always wished the best for each other’s careers and now when the dreams are getting fulfilled, the person who matters most isn’t there. Success feels good when you share it with the person you achieved it for.  But success of this kind hurts a little.

A lot...

Having to smile without him is many times more difficult than crying without him.

 I'd never thought we would come to this.

 Now we both have separate lives
From lovers to strangers, now alone
There's no one catching my fall
No one to hear my call
It's like I never loved you...

-  These are no longer, just lyrics of one of my favorite songs.

Now I know what they mean.

 

 I wonder ...does he know it too? 

 

Did he miss me as much yesterday? Maybe yes. Maybe more.

I will never know. So I pick up from where I had left and try to concentrate on work, wishing that he has many more reasons to celebrate in the days ahead.

Love and luck to you, dear.

Always...

 

___________________________________________________________________

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing  -  Anais Nin

 

Reviews

[Bhavya Kaushik]

This is a damn intense piece and after reading it only one word came to my mind and that is "AWESOME".
It beautifully describes the way our relationship changes. You gave a very well explanation of what a person feels after a break up.

May be its all because of fate that you clicked on that site by chance or the reason may be something else but the main point is that you still clicked that site and was curious to know about him.
And according to me that's the thing which matters most. It has been said that -
"If you really love someone, then you always wants them to be happy. Even when their happiness means that you are not a part of it"


I need to pick few lines from the piece which made me to read the piece thrice(yeah!! thrice )

"What I found there, made me laugh (out of joy), made me cry (because he wasn't with me ), and yes, it made me want to die (because of the hurt it caused)."--It hurts...it really hurts a lot, which even words can't explain, neither this darkness can hide nor this silence can make it quite.

This "hurt" is immortal which somehow deep inside your heart always gonna stay there and It would be very hard for you but you need to be strong. I know every third person must be saying the same thing to you that " be strong!! the loss is not yours", but its damn hard to fake a smile everyday of your life even after finding that you heart's actually broken inside.


well...Now I'm coming back to the piece. :)

"Success feels good when you share it with the person you achieved it for. But success of this kind hurts a little.

Having to smile without him is many times more difficult than crying without him."

These lines just wounded me and made me sad. :(

Its overall an awesome piece
The best piece describing "life after break up"
Thanks a lot for writing such a tremendous and superb piece

keep writing and keep smiling...

and..I don't know why but I'm ending my review with one of my favorite quote

"Sometimes we must be hurt in order to glow,
we must fail in order to know,
we must loose in order to gain,
Because some lessons are best learned through PAIN"


- Bhavya ! :)

[Spoken]

wow Caffiene... beautiful piece.. thank you for the peak inside your heart... In some ways i know this feeling... hang in there... much love!

[Carole]

This is a beautiful write, hon. Straight from the heart. These are the type of writes that are therapy for the soul...sort of a coming to closure piece... Thanks for sharing such an intimate piece of who you are.

[Jaded Perception]

oh man...its bittersweet isnt it. i too have a love i lost that i used to look in on....here on the net its so easy to do.
i watched him find a new love...new happiness...and eventually i became genuinely happy for him and stopped peeking in on what i felt shouldve been mine. i still ache to...but i dont. honey, i feel your pain more than u know and you expess it so beautifully in your work...he may still think of u....but until u stop wondering....you'll never move on.

huge hugs~ jp

[poddar kushal]

actually love, lust and habit sometimes mingles together and they want us to stay together.nice writing,dear.

[October]

I know how you feel.

I'm still not over my ex boyfriend.
We were engaged for a year.

And people complain about me
not being able to let go.

This is very well written.
Thanks for sharing.

[Serendipity]

How funny, and I don't mean it in a bad way. I mean it because a similar thing happened to me yesterday.

You wonder if he is thinking about you as you are of him. You wonder if he wishes he was next to you as you wish he was with you.

You wonder if your paths will cross again. Unfortunately we will never know. Until that day your paths cross again. Until that day, you will wonder, but then you will know.

And I say this truly and from the bottom of my heart, because I feel he loved you as you have loved him, he misses you too.

[laceyjane23]

Wow! I liked this piece, thank you for putting your emotions out there for others to see. I believe that everyone feels this way about an ex at one point or another in their lives. Its kinda like that empty feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, i have been there!!! All the times you wanted him to share in your successes and he wasn't there to know about them, its ironic that you happend to learn of his successes. I can see how that would hurt. when you do your re draft look for a few grammar errors, but i personally don't dwell too much on them, its your message that is more important! great job i look forward to reading more from you!
Laceyjane