�It�s like I never loved you at all�

I have not yet adjusted to this life without him. I miss him still. Incidents like these, make it worse.

I have to submit a report today, for which I needed to look up the net for some information. Lots of work and very little time.

 

Even then,  when I logged in yesterday night, I found myself clicking on the website of the place where my Ex works. Since the breakup last year, I have thought of little else so it is ‘normal’ to be curious, I thought.  What I found there, made me laugh (out of joy), made me cry (because he wasn't with me ), and yes, it made me want to die (because of the hurt it caused). I stopped myself from printing out the proof of his achievement, posted there because that would give me reason to continue to think endlessly about my discovery on that site. I knew I would hold that precious piece of paper close to my heart, where I have still preserved him and I will let it soak with my tears.

 

A little line at the end of the page told me that the page had been updated that day.

Would you call this telepathy?

How was I to know that he would be rewarded for his efforts “that particular day”?

I just happened to login and that BIG NEWS was there for all to see and read and for some to congratulate him.

 

This incident took me back in time to May of 2007 when I had cleared an important examination soon after the relationship had ended. Friends and family were happy for me but I kept wishing I had him to share the news with.

I kept telling myself things like - “He would've been proud of me” and that “my success would've made him happier than it has made me.”

But I missed his hug. He did not even get to know. Probably, he doesn' t know I have achieved that goal...and still thinks that I'm working in that direction.

When I read of his accomplishment yesterday, all of a sudden I felt helpless.

It’s like I never loved him.

I cannot share my happiness with him, he cannot celebrate with me. We’d always wished the best for each other’s careers and now when the dreams are getting fulfilled, the person who matters most isn’t there. Success feels good when you share it with the person you achieved it for.  But success of this kind hurts a little.

A lot...

Having to smile without him is many times more difficult than crying without him.

 I'd never thought we would come to this.

 Now we both have separate lives
From lovers to strangers, now alone
There's no one catching my fall
No one to hear my call
It's like I never loved you...

-  These are no longer, just lyrics of one of my favorite songs.

Now I know what they mean.

 

 I wonder ...does he know it too? 

 

Did he miss me as much yesterday? Maybe yes. Maybe more.

I will never know. So I pick up from where I had left and try to concentrate on work, wishing that he has many more reasons to celebrate in the days ahead.

Love and luck to you, dear.

Always...

 

___________________________________________________________________

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing  -  Anais Nin

 

Reviews

[Bhavya Kaushik]

This is a damn intense piece and after reading it only one word came to my mind and that is "AWESOME".
It beautifully describes the way our relationship changes. You gave a very well explanation of what a person feels after a break up.

May be its all because of fate that you clicked on that site by chance or the reason may be something else but the main point is that you still clicked that site and was curious to know about him.
And according to me that's the thing which matters most. It has been said that -
"If you really love someone, then you always wants them to be happy. Even when their happiness means that you are not a part of it"


I need to pick few lines from the piece which made me to read the piece thrice(yeah!! thrice )

"What I found there, made me laugh (out of joy), made me cry (because he wasn't with me ), and yes, it made me want to die (because of the hurt it caused)."--It hurts...it really hurts a lot, which even words can't explain, neither this darkness can hide nor this silence can make it quite.

This "hurt" is immortal which somehow deep inside your heart always gonna stay there and It would be very hard for you but you need to be strong. I know every third person must be saying the same thing to you that " be strong!! the loss is not yours", but its damn hard to fake a smile everyday of your life even after finding that you heart's actually broken inside.


well...Now I'm coming back to the piece. :)

"Success feels good when you share it with the person you achieved it for. But success of this kind hurts a little.

Having to smile without him is many times more difficult than crying without him."

These lines just wounded me and made me sad. :(

Its overall an awesome piece
The best piece describing "life after break up"
Thanks a lot for writing such a tremendous and superb piece

keep writing and keep smiling...

and..I don't know why but I'm ending my review with one of my favorite quote

"Sometimes we must be hurt in order to glow,
we must fail in order to know,
we must loose in order to gain,
Because some lessons are best learned through PAIN"


- Bhavya ! :)

[Nya]

Wow! Your words are so true. I was in a relationship with a guy for six and a half years...he was my best friend..we shared everything...but time and changes within ourselves caused our breakup and we have since moved on but when things happen to me I still want to share those things with him and when I hear about his happiness...or sadness...or accomplishments..i still feel those things for him even though we haven't been in a relationship for about seven years now. Once you completely love someone I don't know if you can ever be completely "broken up" with that person. Love..even if it changes...can never truly die...atleast it hasn't in my case. I identified completely with your words and feel what you are going through. Great write! Thanks for sharing...

[Rain]

God,
You are so right about being able to share your good news. There's something very sad about smiling alone. This line..
" Having to smile without him is many times more difficult than crying without him." just says so much. This was beautiful. Rain..

[Belle Morte]

This is absolutly wonderful and so true. Great write hun.

[X]

i love it.
absolutely, positively love it.
it's so incredible and amazing and it feels like your heart just poured out and spoke to me.
really nice piece and i'm pretty sure you will win something in my contest.
great job and good luck.
monica.
=]

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

Very well written and insightful. Try to remember the most important person is you. Thank you for sharing. Debileah

[Captain Blackheart (The..]

This is cirtainly a different take on things. A really good write that make the reader think, you capture so much with your words. Brilliant!

[Valentine]

With only 48 % of American's now married...it tells of how much we as a people put our time and effort into job and things rather than on a relationship..this is a sad write and all I can say is been there and finally met someone new and went on with my life..I pray you do the same..God bless..Valentine

[kree8ivity]

"the person who matters most isn't there"
I challenge you to re-examine this statement.
Go look in a mirror and ask yourself, ask God, who matters most...
And now, this journalling as my muse, read my thoughts:
-As a solipsist, you create reality. To hell with the objective truth! As subjective entities, we see our objective reality through the lens of our
-Love does not begin or end--one either exists as love or forgets they exist as love. Do what you can to save yourself the oblivion.
-Beware hubris. Narcissism is not reality. Love not your Self but be love and express love through your Self.

I could write so much more on the topic of love--dialogue is built on give-and-take--and so I feel restraint.

[Deidre A. H.]

This is a different take on lost love--rather than another lover in his life, it's his achievement that strikes you.

It's a nicely written bit. I didn't feel as much emotion as I would have liked, but it was otherwise solid and well done.

[desertraven]

thank you for sharing a bit of yourself with us. Take care.
Sandra