Fantasies

I think we all go through this , day dreaming or fantasizing ! this one is my take on the process

I count stars every night ,
barely reach hundred
by the time i drown in my plight.
Who knows, a faint smile and couple tears
could carry some thoughts of suicide,
Or a grin depicts my time with her ,like we stride.
A need of courage to accept the realm of fantasy
A need of penance to give away, life of lies and vanity.
Every dawn i vow, to live every
moment like a prophecy,
every dusk i curse myself, for making my own life an obscurity.
The people, their questions that surround me
asking reasons for being aloof like they have a clue,
even in my fantasies i am without me.

Escaping harsh truths, escaping harsh realities
escaping into my own world, the hero of all tragedies.
Spending moments with the girl
in reality who feels my pockets are bit empty.
Possessing the longing desires,
their chase in life, expunged the humanity.
This realm,every thought feeds my ego,
the harshness is suffocating of reality.
Every now and then a promise is made to fill this cavity,
but them shoulders are too weak to bear the burden of reality.

Author's Note

stride: its walking while taking long steps.so i have used it as an expression of taking a walk with a girl

Reviews

[uNmAsKeD-dEluSiOns]

"Even in my fantasies I am without me" "But them shoulders are too beak to bear the burden of reality" Those were my favorite lines. This was written so well. I can tell you use hip hop as your inspiration and it really works well for you. I love how you question reality in this and some of the things you said in this I have been thinking about a lot. This is one of my favorites of yours- I love the way it made me think.

[Namrata]

I really like your take on this. Nicely penned . Thank you for sharing. We all are reminded about what holds us together despite the differences - our urge to escape.

[Surya pradha]

a poem that has a flow to it. nice last line.

[mani]

"A need of courage to accept the realm of fantasy" !!!! nice !!!

[Mayank]

Thoughts are expressed very well here, imaginary world sometimes is much better. However, some words I find were forcefully used here. You can keep it simple, also few grammatical errors.. work on it.

[amrit]

thanks sir for stopping by ! ur advice well heeded . please tell me regarding grammar flaws, cz at some point i have combined sentences dropping helping verbs ..

[hardeep sabharwal]

A good write here, I like especially the expression and your word choice, nice to read a brilliant piece

[amrit]

im glad u read it and thanks for reviewing it :)

[Matching Socks]

It's wonderful, I love your thoughts here. Reality sucks done times, daydreaming is like a little mental vacation.

[amrit]

thanks ana :)

[Christopher Robin]

Hey Amrit,

Great idea, but the structure is all over the place and it makes for difficult reading. By that I mean you have to re-read some of the lines because the rhyming structure is so disjointed. The grammar is also incorrect in a few lines, not sure if English is your first language or not but some parts simply don't make grammatical sense. The rhyming words themselves are nice both the perfect and phonetic, but the placement feels forced, like you were making words fit, rather than letting words flow. Cadence is the key thing here, or rather the key thing is that this is lacking cadence. With some formatting work, better syllabic count and sticking to an actual structure of couplets this could be a good piece. As it stands you've written out a lot of words which rhyme, now they all have to go together.
Also noticed a major rhyming faux pas, you've couplet rhymed 'reality' with 'reality' at the end. (AB-A-(A)-A-).

The parts that work, work well. I'd use this as a launching pad for a really tight rhyme.

-Robin

[amrit]

first of all thanks alot for reviewing that being so honest . yea i admit that flow is in and out .for that i must confess that i was pushing myself to finish this piece off. Regarding grammar , i think some places i have combined sentences , dropping the helping verbs so that might give an impression of some flaws , but please do tell me where exactly u have felt so ..

again , thanks a ton for taking your time out to read that and giving out such an helpful review.:)