methinks wethinks too much dear sir

        

paint your kiss

in espresso drips,

i'll meet you in between

your 'always cold' and my

(stage direction: breathe)

near constant radiation

our fingertips the seams

as you struggle with the lid

to lap up the whipped cream

i show off my habitual addictions

my hands are made for such as these

not for fondling or flirting

or holding place about your waist

(illustrate)

but striking strings and writing whims(-ical)

journeys amidst the staves

 

'what am I feeling?' ask's oneself

'put that in wondrous words'

(woeful exhale)

'it never happens' I reply

both sides have their flaws

my diction falls too short to show

and I feel nothing at all

what words but void, anaesthetised

describe my faculties' withdraw'l?

 

believe in this?

me?

(of course)

i think maybe i'm scared

i have this problem (everything)

with looking out ahead

i'd love to fall in (insert cliche)

with a winter setting scene

but surely all falls lead to landing

hard at incredulous speeds

I'm trying my best, you understand

our pace suppressed my needs.

-

 

6 cups later

i'm getting cold

the air con's in my face

my pest friend Jack is fidgeting

“let's vacate this corporate disgrace!”

I think it wrong to give this write a satisfactory perfect cadence

so off we away into the night...

 

 

Reviews

[awkward turtle]

this is really interesting. bizarre, even. but in an excellent way. i love the stage directions throughout; they add a sort of surreal vibe to the whole thing. i feel like i could see two actors on a stage, reciting these lines with all their heart and soul. awesome write :)

[Emily B]

Alice said everything that I could ever think to say. And she's such an extraordinary poet herself, that I would trust her to say it. It's wonderful work.

[Alice]

Well you do attract the least constructive reviewers I have ever come across, but I wouldn't take anybody's criticism seriously if the height of their own articulacy is "didn't enjoy it" - most people on here think a proper poem is an enjoyable rhyme, and as you obviously know otherwise most people on here won't get you. And to Kelley - the whole POINT of the last line is that it doesn't fit d****t.
It's wonderful, really wonderful, enviable: I wish I'd thought of the stage directions thing. The rhythm is just perfect and the shattering of it with the last line is so so smart and funny. It is good writing because it is not trying to talk about beautiful things in a beautiful way but is talking about ordinary things in an extraordinary way, and in doing so is much more beautiful than the former approach could ever manage.
Cheers to Venus for sending it over to me.

[PaperHearts]

Wow, that was amazing! I loved it! :)
The lines flowed so rhythmically, and I felt like your poem had this kind of surreal beauty to it, which I couldn't help but admire. Even when writing this review now, I find myself continually going back to the poem and re-reading it. It has this kind of intrigue to it, which draws me back to it again and again. There were so many different parts to this poem, but you managed to find a way to bring everything together effortlessly. :D
~PaperHearts

[Maria]

i love this poem :)

[sea lily]

most of these s***s couldn't write for anything.
you can.

[mystic soul]

It's good but it could have been better. good write :)

[J]

I didn't enjoy it :[ sorry

[robk22]

pretty.odd.

[Kelley]

This was amazing and very whimsical.
The last line does not fit. I think I would
think about changing it.

Thanks for sharing.

Kelley