The village of the dead

This is one of my earliest attempts to write in English. I need your feedback.

In our village, everybody lived in a tomb. They were designed exclusively for this purpose. When the sun set behind the hills and wolves barked in the nearby forrest declaring that the night had won, our dawn begins. 

  People got out of their coffins that were dusty as we could not abandon their warmth for so long. We started to crawl near the pool and dug deep in the mud searching for worms and insects. These were our common food. Rich people rather preferred frog soup with moss. This was the most popular, the most delicious and the msot expensive dish. Only those who did not have to make their living can afford it. 

  In the nights when the moon was full, some of us would turn into wolves and hunted children from the nearby villages, or perhaps if they were lucky enough, they would find an easy meal of those passengers who were not wise enough to believe the gossips. one day, after a long hard night of hunting cockroachs, I wonderled loudly 'when did all of this start?'. Suddenly, my father seemed so irritated and shouted on my face ' Never ask this again. It is forbidden. Do not you know, idiot?!'. 'It is not forbidden' said my grandfather out of his dirty old coffin. 

  We all looked at  the other corner of our narrow grave form which came the voice of the old man. He coughed twice and continued in a vey weak but deep, vague tone that seemed to come from a very long distance. 'It all started when my friend died. He was nerdy, thin with braces. We all hated him, dispised him, plyed tricks on him making him a joke. We all felt sorry for him. He was alone and died suddenly. Some people said he killed himself. Others claimed that he was murdered. But, no one knew the truth and no one cared. 

  After the funeral, we went back homes and soon we forgot about the nerdy dead teen. Several days later, he was walking in the narrow streets of the village. He was wearing his coffin and he was smiling. The news spread in an astonishing speed. All the villagers gathered to hear and sea. He went up to the hills. They followed and when he suddenly stopped, the crowds also stopped but no one dared to approach. A moment of silence passed, before he smiled and said ' the coffin is wonderful'. People were amazed. They spent the whole afternoon listening and when the night fell, they all wore their coffins and followed him to the dark forrest'. 

  My grandfather coughed again but I could not help asking 'But why they followed him?'. He did not answer immediately and after a moment of silence in which my heart was racing the clock, he replied. 'They thought that he had a massage from God. They thought he came back from the dead because God wanted them to know about how comfortable the life in a coffin was' Said the old man. I jumbed to to next question 'And what does the day look like?'.

 

 My grandfather looked at a point in the distance and the muscles of his face and his neck contracted intensely. He finally said in a very strange, passionate, agonising but happy voice 'painful, but bright'. The old man fell into sleep and so did all the family. After all it was the end of the night and every body felt tired. However, I could not sleep. My grandfather's voice kept spinning in the back of my head 'painful.. bright'. All of a sudden, I stood up and went to the well-sealed door and opened it. There were screems and curses. But, I stepped out naked and staring at the light of the sun.

Author's Note

I need a serious reviews that help me to grow

Reviews

[ResiNoth]

There are a couple sentences that stand out to me as really neat conceptually. For example:

"People got out of their coffins that were dusty as we could not abandon their warmth for so long. We started to crawl near the pool and dug deep in the mud searching for worms and insects. These were our common food. Rich people rather preferred frog soup with moss."

Other sentences have confusing structural/grammatical problems that make them difficult to understand, and the dialogue would be more clear and understandable/visually appealing if you set it off into new paragraphs. So for example if I was reworking this paragraph:

"My grandfather coughed again but (why but? why is that the transitional word?) I could not help asking (strange way to phrase imo) 'But why they followed him?' (confusing) He did not answer immediately and after a moment of silence in which my heart was racing the clock, he replied. 'They thought that he had a massage (a back or foot? ;) ) from God. They thought he came back from the dead because God wanted them to know about how comfortable the life in a coffin was' Said the old man. I jumbed to to next question 'And what does the day look like?'.

A very very basic rewrite might look like:

My grandfather coughed again. I had to ask.

"But Why did they follow him?'

He did not answer immediately, but after a moment of silence, my heart racing against the clock, he replied.

"They thought that he had a message from God. They thought he came back from the dead because God wanted them to know about how comfortable the life in a coffin was."

I jumped to to next question

"And what does the day look like?"

My version of it isn't necessarily right or what you're looking for, but I think it helps clarify structural problems. And I'd add a lot of content in there to flesh it out, beyond just those basic changes.

To be clear, some of this writing I actually really like and find appealing, It's sort of eery but beautiful. You should definitely persue! :)

[Amgad Agaiby]

Your review made me delighted. You really made my day. This is the kind of feedback that I have been searching for. You did not give grneral vague words but rather a comprehensive and detailed review. I would like to ask you to recommend a group of books I should study or writers that I need to follow their work in order to improve.Thank you very much

[ResiNoth]

Oh good! I'm glad :) I'm not sure about books or writers. Personally, if it were me, I'd find works that have been translated from your native language into english, and compare the version, see what you do and don't like about how the meaning/structure is changed from one version to another. There's a very very short book my Neil Gaiman called The Graveyard Book which might be enjoyable. It has some similar themes to your story, and should be a quick read.

[ResiNoth]

*book by Neil Gaiman

[Amgad Agaiby]

That sounds great. I will read it.

[beach0324]

Great story kind of spooky but very good at being descriptive in the story with the scenes and characters

[Amgad Agaiby]

Thank you very much. Do you have any suggestion for improvement?.

[beach0324]

A little confusing in some areas. But I think good overall

[beach0324]

Would going into the light killed him like I guess the stories is about zombies I'm not sure

[Amgad Agaiby]

I am not sure having him killed by light is a good idea. I think the contrary is true. They have been decieved to stay away from the light that would not kill them.

[Mathew Jennings]

Good premise. I think you could certainly build on this with a re-write.

[Amgad Agaiby]

I will try to rewrite it sure, but do you have any certain suggestions about what I should change?

[Mathew Jennings]

I would work more on your dialogue to make it more believable and free flowing. For me the dialogue was the only real let down to the story. I liked the idea and the explanation was good. I think maybe just take your time a little to get there and it might sound more natural.

[Amgad Agaiby]

Thanks for your review. I really appreciate it 😊

[Michael Wright]

The title pulled me in but the first couple lines seem flat? Need more filler for me. However, I think you have a great idea. Maybe write in you native language first.

[Amgad Agaiby]

I have been writing in my native language for years now. I am looking forward to a new step by writing in English. Thanks for your review. I really appreciate it 😊