The Break Up

I miss you my Teddy Bear. I forgive you Teddy Bear. I forgive you that you broke up with me a couple of days before Valentine’s Day. But right now it hurts. Memories hurt... now I wish I could forget.

Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river

You can hear the boats go by

You can spend the night beside her

And you know that she's half crazy

But that's why you want to be there

And she feeds you tea and oranges

That come all the way from China

And just when you mean to tell her

That you have no love to give her

Then she gets you on her wavelength

And she lets the river answer

That you've always been her lover

And you want to travel with her

And you want to travel blind

And you know that she will trust you

For you've touched her perfect body with your mind.

But he himself was broken

Long before the sky would open

Forsaken, almost human

He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone

And you want to travel with him

And you want to travel blind

And you think maybe you'll trust him

For he's touched your perfect body with his mind.

Now Suzanne takes your hand

And she leads you to the river

She is wearing rags and feathers

From Salvation Army counters

And the sun pours down like honey

On our lady of the harbour

And she shows you where to look

Among the garbage and the flowers

There are heroes in the seaweed

There are children in the morning

They are leaning out for love

And they will lean that way forever

While Suzanne holds the mirror

And you want to travel with her

And you want to travel blind

And you know that you can trust her

For she's touched your perfect body with her mind.

(Leonard Cohen, Suzanne)

A Sunday morning as any other. I am lying in the bed, enjoying the fact that I can sleep for as long as I want. I hear him sitting at his computer already up, maybe for an hour or two, as always. I feel my muscles pleasantly tired from yesterdays exhausting trip to the mountains. I yawn and spare a glance at the clock, half past eight. Ugh, if I were home I’d still be staying in bed but here at his place when he’s already up since six I won’t. I  still haven’t taught him what my friend has taught her boyfriend, during the weekends prepare the breakfast and bring it for her in bed, well what isn’t can be I smile to myself. I get up
“Good morning baby.”
“Morning. I’ve got a plan for today. I need to get a TV.”
“What, why?” I respond, bewildered, maybe still thinking I am dreaming. He didn’t have a TV for ages, even a long time before me. And then it all clicks together.
“Right, the winter Olympic games.”
“Yup, you wanna come with me?”
“Sure why not. And we need to get that glue I remember.” Yup that’s right, yesterday we managed to put together a puzzle. A one thousand pieces puzzle and now it needs to get glued so it can be hung up on the wall.
And so I spent my Sunday buying TV, looking for glue for puzzle that no shop seems to have, cooking lunch and watching the winter Olympic games.
I am enjoying my book with a casual glance at the newly bought TV, when he realises he needs to go jogging. I agree to go out for a walk. And I end up jogging for a while with him. And then I have a long walk in the woods.
Why am I describing these mundane activities? Because they are important, they lead to something grand, something bigger, something bigger than me.
I head home from the walk, alone, I open the door with my key, I open the door with my key for the last time. I open this door for the last time period. The next time I walk through this door I am closing it. Without the keys. With all my belongings. But at this time I didn’t know this yet. I came home and smiled, he already arrived, went to take a shower and then I took a shower. Thinking it over now I can’t believe I didn’t realize something was off. Maybe it wasn’t yet. I don’t know, but I can’t believe I ever thought of myself as observant. We had dinner and then he stopped eating. He was silent, I finished eating and looked at him. He looked sad, maybe confused.
“You all right?”
“Maybe you noticed in the last days that I am different. Or maybe you didn’t notice.” What was that supposed to mean. A hidden meaning that I didn’t want to notice?
“I can’t do this anymore. The age difference is too much for me.”
I am silent.
“I don’t want to sound like a woman but my clock is ticking.”
“We discussed that, I can have a baby during school.” He laughed.
“You can’t have a baby, you are a baby... I wish you were older. There are sometimes where I feel like your dad. Telling you what to do, like it’s cold outside, you need to dress warmly.”
“I am gonna grow older, it’s just a matter of time.”
“I can’t do this anymore, I don’t feel like I am giving everything I could into this relationship.” He didn’t say anything else just kept looking at me. I looked away. Everything in me was on fire, I was confused, all kinds of emotions were running through my body and then I couldn’t keep it in myself anymore and I started laughing.
He looked at me bewildered and his look was accusing.
“Why are you laughing?”
“I am laughing, because I am wondering whether I got this right.”
His answer was cold.
“I think you did.” I nodded.
“Okay.” And then tears started to well up in my eyes. I sat up straight n the couch and put my head back. So this was it. It must be a dream. This is not true. This is too weird, too unexpected, too unbelievable. I started shaking uncontrollably and more tears spilled silently from my eyes. He put a hand around me and my head found its place on his shoulder. At one moment I had to get up and get a paper towel.
“What are you thinking about?”
“How difficult it is to find a normal guy.”
“Yeah, I was thinking about how difficult it is to find a normal girl.” I came back to sit next to him but I no longer laid my head on his shoulder. We talked, about things that we haven’t talked before and he caught himself saying.
“Why can’t you be five years older...”
“Why can’t YOU be five years younger.” He laughed at me.
“Then we would be here.”
“If you made different decisions in life maybe you wouldn’t be here now.”
Maybe that is also one of those things that was driving him crazy about me. I said something, something that made sense but I didn’t elaborate further. It is clear that I had something concrete on mind by saying this, but I didn’t say the concrete thing. Once he told me he was honest, that he said everything he though. And I said I think I am honest, that I am simply honest, but I don’t do this. Well that night I realized that maybe he wasn’t all the time all that honest with me but that is a story for some other time. Another cute thing he added to his reasons for breaking it off with me was that e doesn’t want to mentally cheat on me, that somewhere when he  sees a potential partner and thinks of her as a potential partner that would be emotional cheating. And funnily enough two times he swore he never did that to me. Why swear, when he was sure he didn’t do that? That is what is honesty for me, I wouldn’t be able to look somebody in the eye and lie to him without blinking.
The second time I went to fetch a handkerchief and went to sit down again. Maybe I could believe what just happened. I didn’t want to except it. I wanted to stay here at this place like nothing happened. Just sitting at that sofa was painful. There were too many memories tied to it. So much happened on every place of the couch. How could I leave this all? I looked around, taking it all in, quite not believing I would be leaving this familiar place and never returning back. Well maybe sometimes, but it would never be the same. That night I at least had a hope I would be coming back but now with everyday that hope is shrinking, and one day it will be near zero and one day I might not even care. But right now it f*****g hurts.
I was still sobbing.
“Hey, if you would want we could go on a trip on the weekend. And when you need help with school, I am here.” I sobbed more violently.
“Yeah, I know, that was lame of me.” And then we stayed silent again.
I tried to stay strong. I took a few deep breath and stood up from the couch. I tried hard so that my voice wouldn’t break. But still it did.
“I am gonna pack.” And I left alone to the dressing room, where I started to wonder where I would put all the things. Why have I taken here so many of my things? I silently cursed myself and started packing. Three columns of clothes, one winter jacket, touristic shoes, running shoes, a whole locker of cosmetic and beauty stuff, a whole locker of socks, panties and bras. Bras, this week I went shopping and I bought two, he liked them a lot but now it didn’t matter, I angrily put them in one bag, now it doesn’t matter.
He leaned against the doorframe and watched me pack and he sighted. I didn’t meet his gaze and I dared him to take everything he said to me back.
“You don’t need to leave now. I didn’t mean to throw you out, you can stay the night.” I took a deep breath, are you f*****g kidding me? I didn’t dare say anything, I knew my voice would break.
He left to the kitchen.
“There are some of your things in the laundry box, I can wash it and give it to you when its washed, or...”
“I’ll take it with me.” I headed to the laundry box and began going through it.
“I already sorted yours out.”
“Thanks.” I took the things he took aside and put it in my bag. Now that I think back, maybe he didn’t realize this to be final when he told me those things earlier, maybe I just overreacted with the immediate packing. What was a huge mistake that both of us made and me maybe more because I wanted to save the relationship was lack of communication from my side and from his side as well. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions that this is the end and he wants me out of his place I should have simply and honestly lay this on the table and discuss it with him.
He helped me pack my extra shoes.
“You want some homemade marmalade?” Is he kidding, does he think he can buy me of with some home f*****g made marmalade?
“No.” I laughed bitterly. Good, at least he was feeling guilty when he was offering me something.
I mercilessly grabbed all my stuff from the bathroom and looked back. It looked so different. Now he was used to my stuff there but now it is somehow cold when my stuff is not there. I wished he passed the bathroom right now and see it the way I so it. I wished he would be sorry.
“Can I ask you for something? Don’t hate me please.”
 “Making decisions is hard. You never know which one is the right one and if you’re not making a huge mistake that you can never take back. Right now you don’t know, right now you can’t know. Only time will show.” But I don’t know whom I hurt more this remark whether him or myself.
I zipped up my last bag. There were at least five, with all the shoes and jackets and cosmetics. I sighted and went to lie on the bed. On my side of the bed. For the last time. I thought back of the last time I lay here, of the morning when I was oblivious that it would be the last time I would be lying here. If I knew it were the last time I would have enjoyed it more, I would have lived through it, but I lay there ´just the way as any other day.
He sighted. “Why are you making this harder than it already is?” I strained my ears. I heard no footsteps. He couldn’t have left. I lay there. Lost in my memories, remembering the bright side of our being together. I kept crying more and then less. I took my time definitely. And then I said goodbye to all this and I sat up. He was sitting  next to me on the bed his face in his hands. He hasn’t moved when I did. I stood up.
“I am not the one who is making things around here hard. Anyway what did you mean with making it harder than it already is?” Maybe I was hoping for an answer like, you on my bed. You made me want you.
“Were you expecting I’d lie down next to you.”
“No I wasn’t. I just felt like lying down. Let’s go listen to some music.”
“What do you want to listen to?”
“Cohen.” And with each song I was getting more comfort, more hope. And he was getting more and more irritated, at one song he even took the remote and skipped it.
“Why are you doing this to yourself? Why not listen to something happier?”
“Because these song are truly beautiful. It is real and it is raw.” And with each song I remembered something we did during it. It is terrible but the mind is like that, when there extremely powerful moment, the brain remembers everything about that time, the smell, the melody, the words... everything. And now I still remember the way my body felt when it heard these lyrics for the last time on his couch.

And just when you mean to tell her

That you have no love to give her

Then she gets you on her wavelength

And she lets the river answer

That you've always been her lover

And you want to travel with her

And you want to travel blind

And you know that she will trust you

For you've touched her perfect body with your mind.

I know I am dreading this. I know I still don’t believe it in a part of my soul. I don’t want to leave, not just yet and I want to steal myself every minute I can. But as he once told me. Everything must come to an end. And so I sum all the courage I can and get up and tell him we’re leaving.
When he walks by a cupboard he stops for a second, another shock I was looking forward he would receive, there next to each other but separated lay my keys and the keys to his apartment that were together one time. A long time ago now
And so for the last time I walk down this apartment, for the last time I close the door to this apartment and for the last time I take the lift in this apartment complex.
He drives me home. The drive is quiet and he doesn’t even ask me to put the radio on. The silence is suffocating. We are getting closer and closer to my home. Closer to saying goodbye and we are getting further and further from each other.
“Do you know Eugene Onegin?”
“Yes, he is a writer.”
I laugh. “No, it’s a book, he’s a hero, by..”
“Dostoevsky.” Good point, you know who my most favourite author is, but wrong guess.
“No, Pushkin. But that is not important. Onegin is a man that knows the world, that knows how to behave in higher society. Women love him, and he knows it and he loves women. In one village he meets Tatiana. A simple, village girl, that is very intelligent and has a big kind heart. She puts her feelings out to him and he tells her he can’t give her what she wants and wishes her a good life.
“Several years later at  a ball he meets a beautiful woman, the lady of the house, she is wonderfully clad and she has the manners of a lady. He falls down to her knees and professes her his love for her. Only then does he realize it is the Tatiana that he already met and that whose feeling he threw away just because she seemed to be unworthy of him then by how she looked. Her flirty sister was more attracting to him then.
“What I wanted to say that classics never lie. Not all that looks nice is nice and most of the times the beauty is in simplicity but you just have to see it and not be blinded by glitter.” I don’t know if he understood what I wanted to tell him. But I think I put it clearly, no puzzles this time.
And so we said goodbye. He left to return to his cold apartment and I returned home to stay with my sorrow. Naively I kept hoping he would call that night. Or the day after. Or six days later on the Valentine’s day. But now it’s almost two weeks that he said goodbye and he never did contact me. And its eating me from the inside. And what is even weirder I know I have something’s left at his place, some things in his laundry box. Maybe he wanted to keep those. But then again where is his honesty? Why not tell me I want to keep these, can I? But he just keeps it and doesn’t say a thing.
So this is the end. Why did I start at the end? Because I needed all these negative emotions out of me so that I could focus on the better times, on the sweet times of love when we first met.