The universe has a funny sense of humour

Just some thoughts I had one day

The universe is cruel sometimes. It gives us a baby, and snatches it away like a thief in the night. It makes us endure endless days of a loved one suffering with a rare illness, or drags us along to the scene of a crash. Another child who will never see adulthood. More babies who will never be born.

 

Yet, it's all this suffering who makes us who we are.  The enemy of peace of mind is both regretting the past and trying to anticipate the future.  The only place we can truly be is the here and now, but we're still always trying to second guess what's done or predict what will be.

 

As a survivor of a long term emotionally abusive relationship, I am no stranger to regret. I can't regret marrying the man, because otherwise my children wouldn't be here. Instead, I spend a whole lot of time wondering "if only" I had left when I was pregnant with my second and the abuse began spiraling into a more and more unbearable cycle. But the truth of the matter is, I had to convince myself that I had exhausted all my options before leaving. I had to make myself stronger, mentally and physically, to endure and get past all the road blocks on the way to a divorce.

 

In a crazy twist of fate that could only be true, the person who broke my heart and drove me straight into the arms of a narcissist has the same name as my current partner. My current partner's girlfriend at the time I was getting married to the man of my nightmares?  She shared my first and middle name.  She two-timed him behind his back, and left him reeling.  He became single during the same year I separated from my husband.  

And so the stage was set for the right Lyn to meet the right Steve, or some facsimile thereof.  If I hadn't stuck it out in my marriage, I would never have met the love of my life.

 

We met under the unlikeliest of circumstances. Neither of us was looking for a relationship, and I was working my way through a series of meaningless encounters in an angry attempt to rebuild my self esteem and prove my desirability after being trapped in a loveless, abusive, sexless marriage for several years.

 

When I opened my eyes and realized that the man with whom I was just "passing the time" was kinder, gentler, and more respectful than my ex ever was, it was a revelation. I wasn't falling in love, not then. It just made me see that I deserved much better than the train wreck I left.

 

I can't even say exactly when I started to fall in love.  But now that I am where the universe needs me to be, I have come to a startling conclusion. Everything I thought love was, it wasn't. And maybe, just maybe, it took living through all the things I thought were love but weren't, to find out what love really is.

 

Love is quiet, and kind. Love never makes you feel angry, or jealous. It makes you feel privileged to indulge in another's joy. It doesn't ache, it fills the ache. It doesn't make you want to own, it makes you feel cherished just to have a taste. Love is nothing you were told it was, and everything your heart knew it to be.

Author's Note

Reviews

[Paul Bell]

If someone said to you, would you go through all that for true love?
No, you wouldn't.
But life is what it is. If one of our senses was hindsight, we would all be sorted.
But I think you summed it up. Love is actually blind, standing passing the time with the guy who was meant for you all along. Hope 2019 is all fireworks.

[Lyn Anderson]

Yes. You're right. The irony is, if we were given the easier path at the beginning we would take it, and miss the best of it because of fear. When words are used like daggers against you, you end up fearing both saying and or hearing them, and second guess every feeling to death. Every once in a while you might get to meet someone at exactly the same place in their life, so you both grow at the same time.

[Chris Shaw]

You've certainly had a long journey Lyn to find your piece of heaven. It's such a pity though that there is much suffering before the good stuff makes an appearance. I am truly happy that you have found your happy place. An honest account of how you arrived. Entertaining reading.

Chris

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you for reading. I hope, one day, to help women like me on a larger scale

[barleygirl]

This is a true celebration! I'm honestly stunned at how far you've come in the 3 years I've had some awareness of your journey here at the cafe! This is the memoir of lessons honestly learned, presented in a balanced way, offering insights that will be helpful for many others when they find themselves at some point on a similar journey. I'm so delighted for you to have gotten to such a place of peace about everything. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned how you had a caustic edge that was hard to read, when I first started reading you. This is so far from that, I'm stunned & happy for you. To be genuinely OVER regret is a celebration! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you my friend. I did surely have a very caustic angry edge. It surfaces now and again, but probably is not as razor sharp as it was, because I am different now. It is a journey, so glad to have met and shared with you along the way

[barleygirl]

Getting to know you & your journey puts a new perspective on two events in my life, many years ago. Two different times, two different ladies, me & others helped move her out & away from a dangerous situation, but in both cases, the women went right back. It was hard to fathom, but like you say in this piece, a person really has to be ready & nobody can measure that but the person in the situation! *sigh!*

[Lyn Anderson]

Yes. I did it as well. But she was ready. And it stuck.

[Gee]

Loved the last 4 lines, sums up perfectly how my understanding of love has evolved during the 27 years spent with my good lady.
Enjoyed reading this muchly ma'am :))

[Lyn Anderson]

I thank you for reading. It was nice to put it out there. If you are lucky enough to evolve in your understanding of love with one partner, then call yourself truly lucky indeed

[Lorry]

Coincidence or fate, I wholeheartedly agree that it has one warped sense of humour and that love is never what we think, otherwise we would all know how to find it.
Love is softness, and acceptance that there are two minds in a relationship, that will either go to battle and cause friction, or see the possibilities of sharing, learning and growing.
Most relationships face friction at some time, its all about how we go about resolving that we find we either make the same mistake, or listen and grow.
Delighted for your happy ever so far....and that the other one is long in your rearview mirror.
Love is never selfish, it is selfless.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you for reading this one. I think now that if the frictions are few and far between, and never more than static between the blankets, they don't linger between the changes, and you forget all about them.

[Lorry]

Sounds like a good place to be :)