I don't mind the sudden disclosure of death. There is no other way to end this poem.
But I would rework the flow of it. The poem moves the discovery of change cut short.
Maybe... (example only) ...but I can't see past your tomb....
This is a very soulful expression of grief. That far to many can relate with .
Posted 6 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
6 Years Ago
Thanks for the suggestion. I shall mull it over, as the abrupt end is very much intended
A poignant poem conveying the loss of a young person. So difficult to comprehend that they will never achieve their full potential. Your words touched me Lyn.
I've never been thru the experience of losing a young person, but if I was wondering what that felt like, I wonder no longer! This is heart-wrenching & straightforward, just the way I like it. Pardon my foggy brain, but I believe this must be about your sister (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie
Thank you. You're close. A very loved young one in the family. The loss of my sister is the kind wit.. read moreThank you. You're close. A very loved young one in the family. The loss of my sister is the kind without closure since she still breathes but is lost. But really, the person I knew is long dead, so I likely channel that in any of these types of writing
6 Years Ago
Thanks for reminding me . . . I can barely remember my own sprawling family these days!
I don't mind the sudden disclosure of death. There is no other way to end this poem.
But I would rework the flow of it. The poem moves the discovery of change cut short.
Maybe... (example only) ...but I can't see past your tomb....
This is a very soulful expression of grief. That far to many can relate with .
Posted 6 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
6 Years Ago
Thanks for the suggestion. I shall mull it over, as the abrupt end is very much intended
such a beauty in acceptance ... your poem creates a perfect setting for putting grief in a less sharp pile ..personally...I would omit your closing line .. the hard contrast for me isn't needed .. but you may intend that to be the closing impression left .. i absolutely love the green leaves taken too soon .. and the analogy with winter in your poem is unique and brand new says i! so glad i came and read your poem Lyn! seems loss of children to death is coming up in my life ... not just here but in the news and discussions ...suicides particularly :(((( the loss for parents,family and friends is egregious :((( love and peace Lyn!
Posted 6 Years Ago
6 Years Ago
Thank you. The harshness most definitely is intended. As acceptance is somewhat double edged.
yes it is ... the need for time in healing is proverbial
:(
6 Years Ago
In all seriousness, does one ever heal from a tragic and sudden loss of a child?
6 Years Ago
some perhaps never ;( but in general time and acceptance soften the edges of pain so it can be carri.. read moresome perhaps never ;( but in general time and acceptance soften the edges of pain so it can be carried and those good memories of the one lost can take a place, be enjoyed and shared but always i am sure with that twinge of loss always present :((( top of the morning to you Lyn!
The death of the young, what could be worse. As I approach my winter years all I wish for is that my daughter be happy, safe, secure and find the same love that I've shared with her mum for the last 27 years.
If I marked, which I never do, a century would be easily reached, if I were the jealous type, which I aint, I would be giving you the green eyed monster stare.
Hi Lyn, hope you are well.
Posted 6 Years Ago
6 Years Ago
I too, am grateful for my children, and so far they are healthy and safe. Life can change in a split.. read moreI too, am grateful for my children, and so far they are healthy and safe. Life can change in a split second - a decision of one or another can leave one 15 forever - and there's no going back from there.
The season of Fall. Show us the beauty of death and make us learn. Somethings can rebirth in the Spring.
"Forever young, eternally green;
who knows what colours
you could have been
now that you're dead"
The above lines. Left somethings for the reader to think about. Thank you Lyn for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote
The list of those we see fall before their life sees the full cycle and rhythm of our being, only grows longer, the longer we go through our own cycle. We are left with ifs and buts instead of memories yet to make.
Beautifully captured.
Posted 6 Years Ago
6 Years Ago
Thank you, yes, it's true, the longer we live the more we experience this
love the analogy/allegory here....we had winter come too soon, and had only an afternoon or two of bit of fall...but i had friends who died long before their fall...
still in their early summer...human leaves who did not get a chance to turn.
A very creative and effective comparison to make. At least the leaves will have more chances to achieve their proper hue. The subject of this poem is not alone, I'm sad to say.
I write under a pseudonym.
I don't do Read Requests, but you can PM me if you want me to read something specific. I make friends with people who I read and interact with. I won't accept random reque.. more..