Confessions of Endurance 51/2 -- a family errand

a shameful chapter

Kara put it away for a long time. Now she feels she has to write some of it down again. There is one time in particular, in her past relationship, of which she is most ashamed. There were the many, many fights. The times that her ex has now convinced her children were equally her fault. The times he broke the doors, and smashed holes in the walls. The times he had her naked, crying, and whimpering on the floor. The kids should have never seen or heard any of that. But for some reason, most of it they don't remember clearly, and have come to accept his re-telling of events as fact. For now, there isn't much she can do about that, because, they are too young. Instead, she mostly just says things didn't happen quite that way. Except when she is angry, and she still tries her best not to break down and let it all out.  There is no right way to deal with this mess, she has discovered, but there certainly are some ways that are better than others.

 

The memory that has been bothering her is the one time she let her ex bully her into mistreating her eldest daughter. The youngest was very young at the time -- less than two years. The eldest was sick, and throwing up at home. Kara was taking care of her.

 

Her husband was pacing. "I have to go to Joe's to get some medicine."

 

Kara bristled instantly. Pot. Her whole life was ruled by it. Her husband's incessant need. "Can't you see she's sick? We can't take her in the car. Why don't you walk?"

 

Her husband ignored her. Instead, he got down on his knees and talked directly to their daughter. "Don't you want to go for a car ride baby?" Trying to sucker her in. Of course, their daughter wanted to please daddy. She nodded.

 

Against her better judgment, but afraid to start a fight, Kara fought back tears as she packed up the two kids to go on a drug run, while her husband belittled her.

 

"It'll be good for her, fresh air," he said.

 

There was nothing good about that car ride. It was cold. Kara herself was nauseous and angry.  Her poor daughter began throwing up in a bag. Her younger daughter was crying. Kara pleaded with her husband to just go home. But he was determined.  He needed pot and didn't have a driver's licence.  Kara did not have the strength to say no to him. She was deeply ashamed. She felt like the most incompetent mother in the world. She hated herself more than her husband in that moment.

 

Did her husband feel guilty? Who knows? She came to believe he was a psychopath, so likely not. When they got back to the house, and her daughter was safely tucked in bed, Kara vowed never to do anything like that again. And she never did, despite the fact that it took almost three years past that incident to finally end her miserable marriage. From that point on, every time things got bad, she whisked the girls away and took them to dinner, to her mom's, to the library, to the park. Anywhere but with him. Later, he would twist those defensive behaviours into something sinister. Her plot to destroy their perfect family.

 

Kara need only think back to that car ride to know she was doing the right thing in keeping the kids sheltered from his endless sickness, mood swings, and irrational, irresponsible drug addict behaviour. 

 

"Please baby, you're okay, daddy won't be long ..."

 

Reviews

[aLittlePain]

Told with so much mana (integrity, strength of character) so brave. I hope there was healing in getting this down and out. R xo

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you. Yes. Healing is a slow learning process.

[barleygirl]

I can't imagine how much a woman might beat herself up for bringing children into the world that have to deal with her most excruciating bad judgment, along with her. In this piece, telling it in 3rd person really helps us imagine that you feel as if this "other woman" is some separate entity, not your own self, being part of these ill-advised situations. This other separate woman who probably felt she was partner to such child-damaging situations is still being beat up in your mind, I'm guessing . . . separate, so that you can embrace your renewed phase of a much-improved life avoiding self-punishment that probably never eases. Your story is told with realistic details that are so relatable to many women in similar situations.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you for reading. I really can't understand the person who allowed herself to be treated like this, and allowed herself to be put into situations she otherwise would never have accepted from anyone else. She is estranged from me, though a part of me. She comes back and smacks me around when things crop up that are only a result of this dysfunction. I hope to someday help women get out, but also, to help people understand why it is that so many people stay, and how they negotiate it at the time. Not an excuse, never an excuse, but to understand the complexities of the various abusive situations, as I know you do, first hand. My tolerance and understanding only wanes when the mothers blame their kids or side with the abuser against their kids, even though I do know where it comes from, I just can't go there.