Suicide's hidden costs

taking a page from barleygirl's labelling, True story ...

 

Grief is a funny thing.  Better minds than mine have managed to quantify it over the years. A sort of manual on how to get over it. But manuals only work if all the pegs fit. Anyone who has ever tried to put together a dresser from an unnamed popular Swedish box store could tell you that. And that's kind of what suicide is in the grief continuum of things.

When I think of my grandma's death, I don't think of bad things. I might be sad, but I think of what a wonder she was in my life. I remember that in death, her suffering ended. A religious person might imagine a loved one up there in heaven. I talk to my grandma sometimes, and I never feel angry. The same can be said for every person I ever lost to illness or old age. Premature deaths and accidents are harder, but still, there is something external I can blame. I can remember that person with a certain fondness, not tainted by the horror of their death. 

But suicide, well, that's where the pieces all fall apart and nothing fits in the right holes. A friend of mine in high school lost her mom to suicide. It affected every aspect of her life, and ruined her relationship with her father. Another friend lost his brother. To add insult to injury he was the one who found him. His life was never the same.  I lost two friends who were brothers. That family split apart and one of them ended up committed to a mental hospital.  My girlfriend lost her partner to suicide. I cannot tell you the countless hours she spent second-guessing every decision she ever made in that relationship.

Now to the reason I am lost in a haze of blue and grief once again. About this time of year, 11 years ago, I lost a young girl in my ex's family who was like a niece to me. The fallout for her family was devastating, and included a divorce and two more premature deaths. I have written about these things often here, thinking that, with each write , I have vanquished the demon, and she will not return.

But she does come back, and back, and back. Because with suicide, there is only one stage of grief. Anger. Try as you might, you just can't push past it. I mean, I guess you could, if you could rationalize that the person was in pain and needed to end it all. That's harder to rationalize when the victim was a teen. We've all been through our teens. They suck. But then they are over. At fifteen, everything's a crisis. Now, she's stuck there, forever, never knowing, that if she had just waited it out, it would have gotten better ...

If you are thinking of killing yourself, don't. Unless your goal in offing yourself is to leave a lifetime of pain, guilt, and tragedy for everyone who ever loved you. Don't.

Author's Note

might be preachy, but I don't give a sh*t. Don't, just don't.

Reviews

[Paul Bell]

You used the exact word that every suicide conveys to love ones. Anger. Anger at not knowing why. Anger at he or she for doing it. Anger cause no other emotion is available at that time. I suppose we really just don't know people as much as we think we do.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you. Yes, anger is the word. And no, all of the people I personally know who committed suicide gave anything away at the end.

[Lorry]

Even shrouded in blue, still have the heart for others. Still hurt and confused, but maybe just maybe, those words you just said will find the right ears and truly be heard. I hope the sun shines for you soon.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you. If I had one wish in this world, it would be to stop someone from doing this to their loved ones. It was a weapon oft used against me in my former life -- a terrible threat that had a powerful hold on me. I am sure the blue will pass, it always does.:)

[aLittlePain]

Brave, gritty, emotional truth there is no confusion in your voice here and I deeply appreciate it.
A heartbreaking subject that is too close to home.
Powerfully expressed, again you're an exceptional writer.

Ngā mihi maioha (warmest regards)
Rach x

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you, my friend, for taking the time. Feel free to share these thoughts with anyone who might be suffering and thinking they should end their life.

[Jacob Clifford]

I very much enjoy the bluntness of this. Really, there is no other way to write about hard times. The message you have here is so very important, and I wish more people could hear it. That final paragraph speaks to me on a personal level. That concept is something I spread to everyone I meet living with dark thoughts.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Blunt is the way to be with this subject, for sure.

[Papaya]

Tough subject. Sigh...
I like the way you wrote about it.

[Lyn Anderson]

I am sorry hon, I will understand if you recuse yourself from my four part blue butterfly meltdown today. Some anniversaries need to be skipped all together. If I could just go to sleep on July 29 and wake up on August 19, that would be good. Nothing good happened in those few weeks for me.

[Shannon]

Absolutely. But I would add guilt.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you. You are correct. I guess I have been living so long with it the guilt is implied. Thank you for pointing that out.

[Shannon]

You mention it in regards to a spouse. But just adding my two cents. Thank you for sharing, by the way.

[Lyn Anderson]

Yes, but it really should be added at the end. Thank you. I wrote this flat out, no edits. Just pure verbal vomit. It took me four poems and 2 stories to kind of get on an even keel today. That's what this does to you, years later. I can't even imagine what it does to her mother, who lost the ex two years later, and the oldest daughter 6 years after that.

[Shannon]

I am sorry it's such a difficult day. Sometimes that's just what we need to do...

[Sarah]

I love how raw this is. Speaks volumes to me as I had been depressed and suicidal for many of my teen years. I often thought to myself how easy it would be, but it always came back to my family. I know the stories of a grieving mother and father. Their baby killing him/herself. Their relationship could never go back the same. The overwhelming guilt suicide forces upon family members of the victim. Always blaming themselves. Such a sad, sad tragedy that happens far too often. I love this as an awareness.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you for reading and reviewing. I too admit to having been suicidal a time or two in my teens. I think a lot of kids are, especially if you are bullied or misunderstood, or have what seem like insurmountable problems. Every single person I know who committed suicide had some aspects of their lives that were crappy. However, for every one of their struggles, I could point out another person who had different difficulties who did not choose that path. While blaming the person who killed his or herself is not productive, neither is blaming the people who are left to pick up the pieces. The most we can say is that they were sick, and in a moment of weakness, made a bad choice.

[barleygirl]

This is one of the clearest & truest things you've ever written, that I've read so far! I was trained to answer a suicide hotline & did that as a volunteer for two years . . . yet, I've never read anything that really hits the nail on the head, the way this message does. We learned that someone who experiences suicide in a close relationship is 4 times more likely to commit suicide later on, that's why it's important to keep an eye on people who've been impacted by suicide. Your list of experiences exceeds any I've ever known about, so I understand your anger & ongoing grief. I'm just glad you're strong & resilient, to get thru these tragic memories that will always haunt you (((HUGS))) Thanks for sharing this. It's a very important message in these times when many young people feel disenfranchised in today's world.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you for taking the time. This piece poured straight onto the page, no edits. Raw as the pain that shouldn't be so raw. What it feels like for the mothers, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, exes, children, I can only imagine.

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree my friend.
"If you are thinking of killing yourself, don't. Unless your goal in offing yourself is to leave a lifetime of pain and tragedy for everyone who ever loved you. Don't."
I have many poem on this site about suicide. Poetry for two brothers who killed themselves in 1988 and 1989. Always a hard regret for not knowing your brothers would be gone and you wish. You last words were kinder. Thank you for sharing the powerful words and thoughts.
Coyote

[Lyn Anderson]

You know, first hand, the pain, and devastation it leaves. It never goes away. Thank you for sharing your pain.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome my friend.