my love for you chained in a sonnet

An Italian sonnet in modern English http://www.sonnets.org/basicforms.htm My first real sonnet, and the struggle to get there

*An explanation -- from trochaic (fallen metre to iambic pentametre) thanks to Richard http://www.writerscafe.org/RichardJ for his guidance. -- in my research I did find that some works are written in trochaic metre, not necessarily a sonnet. My original was a hybrid of both. This newest version is my contemporary Italian sonnet with the iambic pentametre -- Hard Soft syllables (10) five of each, alternating in the sing song pattern distinctive of this type of sonnet.

There was about him a disarming way,
His words were gently designed to entrance,
Cannot recall if he asked me to dance,
A charming prince, he talked night into day,
Still bruised was I, from the last harming way,

Decided to give this new crush a chance,

Fell right into his tale of true romance;

My heart's alarming begged me not to stay...

The devil comes to quickly shut your eyes ,

And once he has you in his sticky grasp,

It is hard to escape his web of lies,

If you're not careful, he'll eat you alive,

Find someone new to open up your eyes,

A fresh love upon which your soul can clasp.

The earlier versions fell short of iambic pentametre. I leave them here to illustrate the difference. The first I still like very much, but from a technical standpoint it ends in trochaic patterns on many of the lines.

Version II

There was about him a disarming way,
His words were gently designed to entrance,
Cannot recall if he asked me to dance,
A charming prince, he talked night into day,
Still bruised was I, from the last harming way,

Decided to give this new crush a chance,

Fell right into his fiction of true romance;

My alarming heart did not want to obey ...

The devil is quick when you close your eyes,

And once he has you in his sticky grasp,

It is hard to escape his web of lies,

If you're not careful, he'll eat you alive,

Reach for another to open your eyes,

A new love upon which your soul can clasp.

Version I -- the working copy.

There was an air about him disarming,

His gentle words were designed to entrance,

Cannot recall if he asked me to dance,

Talked night into day did my prince charming;

Still broken was I from the last harming,

Decided to give this new "crush" a chance,

Fell into his fiction of true romance;

Summarily missed my heart's alarming --

The devil is quick when you close your eyes,

And once he has you in his sticky grasp,

It is hard to escape his web of lies,

If you're not careful he'll eat you alive,

Reach for another to open your eyes,

A new love upon which your soul can clasp.

Author's Note

http://www.sonnets.org/basicforms.htm
The basic meter of all sonnets in English is iambic pentameter
(basic information on iambic pentameter),although there have
been a few tetrameter and even hexameter sonnets, as well.
The Italian sonnet is divided into two sections by two
different groups of rhyming sounds. The first 8 lines is
called the octave and rhymes:
a b b a a b b a
The remaining 6 lines is called the sestet and can have either
two or three rhyming sounds, arranged in a variety of ways:
c d c d c d
c d d c d c
c d e c d e
c d e c e d
c d c e d c
Just to be clear, I have the basic form and structure, and correct
number of lines, and my rhyme scheme is solid.
However, the piece had to be reworked considerably
to correct the metre to make it a sonnet.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

bravo...bravo for you ..merely in the attempt ...leave it to the Italians to throw a little flutter on an otherwise light iambic amble ... it does one good to try such things from time to time especially those of us that make generous use of free form ... i had to look up a trochee .. not sure your allowed to have it both ways Ms. Rebellious One! :)))
i read your poems backwards ... i like them all .. i like the story and i much respect for the due diligence on an Italian Sonnet :) .... my hat sweeps gracefully from my crown across the sides om only a mere inch from the ground ... as i bow m'lady!
E.
E.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you, I still have to fix one more thing. I found it really difficult to rework and rework. I just hope it doesn't feel too reworked.

[Einstein Noodle]

i don't think so ..sonnets are difficult ... not spontaneous ... especially for such a free spirit as your self ...

[Lyn Anderson]

You aren't kidding. I need it to settle. When something comes naturally most of the time, it is hard to bend and shape it to your will -- it is a hard lesson for sure. I will do better next time.

[Einstein Noodle]

"Naked and Afraid" is almost on ... i have to go! :)))))))))) me and my babe watch it together ;) i have on that i tried somewhere .. i looked for it briefly so i could send you the link .. i look harder tomorrow ..i would love your impressions on it .. love and great joy to you KL

[Lyn Anderson]

ok have fun. I rarely watch tv. Haven't seen that one.

[Einstein Noodle]

its pretty cool ..a survivalist reality show ..usually two people are dropped off naked in wild areas of the world with a primitive map, one item of choice and sometimes an added item like a pot .. they try to survive 21 days that way ... pretty amazing ... yesterday started the XL edition ..its teams of three (four of them .. dropped within a wide radius so they may find one another or not .. they are given the choice of a knife of one type or another and one other personal item plus 1 large pot for each team ..and told to survive for 41 days ... they are in Africa ... very dangerous ... i think i watch too much TV ... but i count it as part of my deep breathing exercises :))))))

[Einstein Noodle]

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/green444/1346933/
this is an attempt at an English sonnet done with I Have a Voice

[Richard🖌]

Gosh, KL!
What an enthralling Petrarchan Sonnet your pen has released for our wonderment upon the page.
Nothing speaks power or expresses admonishment, emotion, hurt, pain, and disappointment; nor, a lady's wrath more succinctly or penetrating than her marvelous poetic-voice, and there is no doubting the quality of yours, Dear Lady-Poet.
I really wish more would venture forth into the art of classical poetry … there is so much to be learned and enjoyed there.
Technically, I would love to chat with you about this amazingly original and creative piece. I truly enjoyed your choice of triolet rhyme-scheme … quite fetching and apt for the piece!

What else can I say, KL, except you stun me, and here's a big hug of thanks for sharing You! ⁓ Richard

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you very much, Richard, I do appreciate. I like to expand my mind and my pen to work these forms -- this sonnet form lends well to romantic themes, I believe. And I chose the rhyming scheme primarily because I wanted that punch that comes with that particular scheme. I still like to work with free verse more often, but I think it benefits all writers to venture into new and uncomfortable forms to stretch their skills. It doesn't change my method -- I don't outline, or plan, I pick an idea, and go with it.

[Richard🖌]

KL,
You are most welcome, and it is I whom am honored to work with such a skilled and accomplished poetess.

Thank you sincerely and humbly! ⁓ Richard

[Lyn Anderson]

You are very gracious and kind, and definitely have found your calling in life to teach.

[Richard🖌]

Thank you most humbly.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

the heart warns, the emotions swoon, too much too soon...

nice job with the form...not easy to write sonnets...especially ones that don't sound too confined to form.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you, Jacob. That was the goal. For some reason the Italian form blends well with me. Especially the end rhyme scheme. I just have to find the subject to mesh.

[Papaya]

Oh yeah, I love this!!! I have met many a devil and my time with some of them has been fun and others not so fun at all. Nice guys don't finish last. They get the girl.
When I say they get the girl, I mean they get the girl who has fallen, risen, learned and is ready to love and really appreciate the way a nice guy makes her feel and she gives back equally because nothing is taken for granted. It's all part of the process I think. :)

[Lyn Anderson]

Most definitely my friend, live and learn, and then the real love is sweeter than ever. Thank you for stopping by my little sonnet. I have not yet attracted any of the hard core form enthusiasts. Guess I just don't have what it takes to belong to that particular crowd.:)

[Papaya]

Meh, sometimes when you bake cookies you use a cookie cutter, and sometimes you just slap that dough on. The cookies still come out tasting amazingly good. So are you dressing to impress? Or do you just feel like dressing up once in a while for variety? I like your cookies no matter how you dress them. I hope that all made sense. Yes, I baked cookies recently so have cookies on my mind. Mwah.

[Lyn Anderson]

I just like to try new things, and see if I can do them. Since I still have an improperly healed broken hand, I am limited in the physical department, so I am choosing the mental.

[Papaya]

I think you do well in the mental department. :D

[Lyn Anderson]

I try at any rate.:)

[Pryde Foltz]

The thing is the devils don't know they are devils at the time. A great write here, KL. Dark and tight .... verse I mean ... lol

[Lyn Anderson]

thank you very much. I like to challenge myself with these from time to time, keeping it fresh.:)

[Lydia Shutter]

"Hair of the dog" so to speakk? :) Loved the rhyme and rhythm of this one. Beautifully written love sonnet, KL. Lydi**

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you so much Lydia. Every once in a while the alley cat crosses the tracks.

[barleygirl]

I'm shuddering from the foreign-sounding meter designation, not to mention the intricate rhyming pattern!!!! I hope you didn't hurt yourself, reining in your free spirit! *tee! hee!* I really love your message here & in places it has the "sonnet sound" (convoluted verbs & subjects) but mostly straightforward conversational expressions that I prefer. I love this line: "Talked night into day" (so original yet relatable!) And your rhymes are sophisticated, which I also prefer. Maybe I'll try to cut loose a little & forsake form soon myself! *tee! hee!*

[Lyn Anderson]

for me the ticket is to build the poem and then fill in the form, like fleshing out a skeleton. I actually really liked this, attempting to adhere to the idea of switching gears for the second half, while maintaining theme. I don't know, I likely did not accent something somewhere in the right place. I call contemporary interpretation. :)