Safe from harm

an Essay addition to MomzillaNC's blog "The Children Are Watching"

I read MomzillaNC's blog entitled “The Children Are Watching…” and I felt tears sting my eyes. I could not help but relate her words to my own personal situation. No matter how many times my counselor tells me to forgive myself for living seven years with my two young girls in an abusive and unhealthy relationship, two of them in an ill-fated in-home separation, I just can't. I have said my piece to my kids and asked for forgiveness, as much as I can in the midst of negotiating a divorce and realizing they are, after all, still children, and my ex is still their dad.  I am trying to make amends, undo the damage, and get counseling for all of us. It is a hard lesson to learn, going back and forgiving the old you, while undoing the damage that yesterday caused for your today.

I remember early on, when my husband would scream at me and break things, and I would sit and cry and try to breast feed my newborn, blocking him out, I would sing to her and tell her I am sorry. This would prompt even greater rage from my husband, who wasn't getting whatever it was he felt he needed out of the altercation. I learned to shut up, to draw inward, and to be silent in the face of madness. By default, I am afraid, I taught my girls the very same thing. On the rare occasions I spoke up for myself, it turned ugly. Again, not exactly the example I wanted to set for my girls. 

More than once I thought to myself, if he saw a man treating our daughters the way he treated me, he would be furious. He would actually sit and watch shows on tv that depicted abusive men, criticize them, and never see himself.

My children and myself were pawns in an on again, off again volatile relationship, filled with broken promises and lies. I think my breaking point was a day when he screamed in the faces of both girls, who were huddled in a chair, telling them that everything bad he ever did was MY fault.

By no means am I saying I am perfect. I have faltered again and again, losing my temper, giving up, crying ... it's the fall out from the hell we all lived in. It wasn't good for any of us, including their father.   I am trying to work through all that with my girls and with professional help.

I pray every day that my girls don't grow up to marry a man like their father. I pray that the mom they more remember is the strong one who kept them safe and clothed, and going to school. 

I pray that I can, in later life, explain to them there were many things I did wrong, but I tried as best I could to right them.

And I pray, mostly, that if you get yourself into an abusive relationship, you get yourself out of it sooner rather than later, remembering that our children are always watching and learning from us, and we need to teach them that sometimes, to leave is better than to stay, in order to save ourselves and our loved ones from irreparable harm.

Reviews

[NoelHC]

I am sure that putting this up for all on here to see must be painful, even though you keep your "out there" and in here disconnected.
Hopefully others facing similar abuse will see this and maybe see a way to move beyond it themselves.
Heartfelt, KL.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you I appreciate it.

[Delmar Cooper]

Sometimes it isn't the fight, it's the low blow that pains.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you, yes, sometimes that is true.

[Alfred Kukitz]

Shortly before my Dad's death he asked for forgiveness. I forgave him more for me than him. The baggage at times gets heavy but one must keep moving upward. I think you catharsis here is good movement amid a heavy load. Take care Kl!

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you for the kind review.

[Pryde Foltz]

And I pray, mostly, that if you get yourself into an abusive relationship, you get yourself out of it sooner rather than later, remembering that our children are always watching and learning from us, and we need to teach them that sometimes, to leave is better than to stay, in order to save ourselves and our loved ones from irreparable harm.

Thank you for sharing your story with us … for a long-time we have approached the subject of domestic abuse format the perspective of getting the victims out and this is definitely what needs to be be done. But I think also we have to start looking at what is about the expectations we put on men and the entitlement they often feel they have that leads to these situations … not too mention the psychology and physiology of anger … as your so deftly pointed out … violence and abuse is a legacy, passed from one generation to the next … how do we stop the cycle.

You are one strong Kitty, KL. I hope you know how much I admire your strength. I think we all do.

[Lyn Anderson]

I appreciate it. For my part, I went to all the psychiatrists, counselors, and doctors I could. In the end, he didn't step up to his treatment. Yes, it is something that can be helped, but only if the person who is like that recognizes and deals with it properly.

[Lyn Anderson]

I should add, I know men who suffered years of abuse at the hands of their spouses, and they struggle with even worse stigma.

[Pryde Foltz]

I think I was speaking more about how these things are explored in the media. Some individuals need to have it spelled out for them in impersonal terms … behind every angry outburst is a whole lot of fear.

[therisa]

KL, as I read this, am fighting the tears that threaten to flow like Niagara Falls. So much, you have written, could descript my own abusive relationship, with my mom and kid brother. Except, the option of leaving, wasn't available to me, unless I ran away, to Toronto, or any other nearby city.

Kl, you're not responsible, for the garbage that your ex dished out to you or your daughters. I know, it hard to accept, but it true. It will be, a long and hard struggle to overcome the abuse, you received and witnessed happening. Myself, am still struggle with my own issue, from this period of my life. Please accept this gentle hug, from me, if you can.

therisa

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you hugs back

[therisa]

Your welcome, KL.

[redzone]

KL, you are so brave and you may disagree, but it is not your fault.... and no matter what happen with your divorce, you have shown your daughters (and many others as well) an example they will love and cherish... and for whatever it may be worth to you, I have the deepest respect and love for you as you continue on.. so here: ((((((((((((((((((((KL))))))))))))))))))

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you ever so much. The love and support is awesome. I just need to learn to put the past away and craft a brighter future for the kids and myself.

[redzone]

from a distance and also with only what and how you write, I think you are doing wonderfully awesome!!!! you can be proud of what you have done... and I know you fight for yourself and your girls, but believe me when I say there are others who are inspired by your efforts, by your survival and by just you doing what you know is right!!! I have often mentioned similar thoughts to Frieda in her struggles.... two amazing women in my book and heart...

[Lyn Anderson]

Aww, thank you so much.

[Bright Ocean Star]

KL, this open letter should (I hope) be cathartic. It is important to communicate your feelings, and I know it is hard...but you have to forgive yourself, too. No one is perfect. Everyone is faulty somehow. You did the best you could with the situation you had, and you tried to save your marriage. Your children will, no doubt, have some memories of this time, and be affected to some degree. However, children are resilient. You are doing the right thing now, and that is all that matters. You can't change the past. It is done and over with. You don't really have a whole lot of control over the future, but your best bet is to take action now. You are doing it in spades. This is where you need to "let go- and let God" do his work. It takes faith and prayer, but it will work wonders. I am proud of you for putting this out here. I hope it helps to come to terms with what was, what is, and what you will be....for yourself and your children. Take care, my friend.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you for your kindness and understanding.

[Bright Ocean Star]

You are welcome. You did nothing wrong. You just tried your best to deal with a bad situation. Hugs! Hugs! and more Hugs!

[Tate Morgan]

People always say why doesnt she leave him It is simple Fear. well done facing and looking down at those fears forgive yourself he was the one that caused the damage

[Lyn Anderson]

I am working on it, thank you.

[icelandicblue]

We cannot change the past but we must examine it. I see you doing that and the suffering you have endured, the guilt you feel, the worry you carry but most of all I see the love you have for your children. When you step out of the cycle it breaks. You have set a new example for your girls and they will be grateful and love you for it. This is a brave and heartfelt piece and I commend you for sharing your experience and wisdom in the hope of helping someone else. Forgive yourself and know that you have made a difference.

[Lyn Anderson]

I really hope so. Thank you.

[Matching Socks]

You're on the right path, doing the best you can.
It's a tough thing for kids to see but when they're older it may prevent them winding up in the same position.
Kids are resilient, more than we give them credit.

[Lyn Anderson]

I hope so. I just would hate either of my girls to end up on the receiving end, or, equally horrifying, the abuser.

[Matching Socks]

Unlikely... But you'll worry until you're a hundred.

[willweb]

KL, I kept hoping to find the word fiction somewhere as I read, even though I knew that was not the case. However, I think we need to give more credit to the children, yes they do learn from both parents, whether one or both or neither are abusive and they do have the ability to find the rights and wrongs of what they see, especially if one of the parents is caring and nuturing as you were and are. None of us are perfect, there is no manual on how to raise the perfect child. All we can do is try our best. Your situation saddens my heart and I truly wish the day would come when no one had to write a story like this. I do hope that you do find the ability to forgive yourself someday because I am more than sure your children have already done so. Thank you for sharing this personal story with us, though I wish it never had to be written.

No one deserves to be abused, I hope your words scream loud so others will actually hear that need to.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope it reaches someone. I am sure in time I will be able to put it in perspective and realize I did my best with the tools I had at the time, and find happiness that I did get out before my kids hit double digits in age.