putting it away -- for now

Kara looks back and closes the book for now

She honestly never knew she was abused. She just dealt. She did not have any black eyes, or any scars you could see. There are scars only on the inside. She needs to know now she did the best she could with the tools she had at the time. She was not stupid or weak. She functioned because she had to, and now she needs to find a way to grieve the part of herself she lost, forgive her and move on. She talks to a friend, her mom, and she tells some of it to her counsellor. She opens a box. She puts the worst of it away. She writes a poem. She closes the book for now. Until she is strong enough again.

I need to go back and tell her
everything is going to be all right.
I need to let her know it won't be
like this forever
and in a few thousand days there
will never be another night
like the few thousand before.
I need to go back and tell her
it's going to be okay.
I need to hug her
forgive her
and let her go.
she isn't now and never was
a c**t b***h lying fat cow stupid ugly w***e
she isn't now and never was
and won't be any more.

Reviews

[Diamond]

Being unable to move away is not a conscious decision one makes in such situation. One's body, heart and mind just get numb and one becomes an expert in "just being"...the ending lines of comfort are soothing.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you for your kind comments

[aLittlePain]

S**t! That's was a hard read, those are the worst scars. Powerful, explosive writing! R xo

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you. This is probably my most important poem I have written in years -- for a lot of reasons. I think it would make an excellent springboard for a poetry slam, if I could get through it without crying.

[aLittlePain]

I can tell darlin! xo

[redzone]

wow, KL... powerful and moving poem... it hurts to know this kind of abuse happens and happens to most women in one form or another... happy ((((KL)))) that you have survived and are healing in the thousands of days to come...

redzone

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you. This particular piece means a lot to me.

[Papaya]

Awww. That's a tough read.
Those emotional scars don't heal as easy.

[Lyn Anderson]

I somehow missed this review. I thank you. This is one of the most important pieces I have ever posted.

[Papaya]

No worries. :)

[barleygirl]

I swear, you've touched on every single thing that goes thru my mind all the time about my abuse. This is one of the most universal things I've ever read about abuse, the way you describe the healing journey. We all go thru most of these steps. I've felt quite healed for decades, but I still follow your exact sequence here, whenever I write about it nowadays. I just take it out once in awhile & then put it away where I totally forget about it. I don't want it to define who I am as a writer or a person. People sometimes comment on how I write so unemotionally & without drama, about my abuse . . . it's becuz of exactly what you've written here, every bit of it, explains my approach to writing about my abuse. I don't want to disown it, becuz it's my life & it plays a part in everything I am. Yet, I'm calling the shots now, not my residual pain. This resonates like crazy . . . (((HUGS)))

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you so much. That means a lot to me, that it makes sense to someone who has been through something similar but different. hugs back.

[00000000000000000000000..]

Solid write my dear friend I loved it spoken words from the depths:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Lyn Anderson]

Aww, sweet, thank you. This poem is therapy for me, whether some poets believe that is therapy or not, I do. (Not referring to you, my friend, but a poet who claims what passes for poetry today is just psychobabble and personal angst with no entertainment value) Purging is good for the soul, and good, I believe, for the millions of others suffering difficult relationships and abuse.:)

[0000000000000000000000000000]

Your very welcome:))))))))))))))))))))))) That's good:) what matters is what helps you my dear friend nothing more nothing less:)

[Pryde Foltz]

she isn't now and never was
and won't be any more.

No, she never was, not even for a second. She is not her pain body; she is sublime. Brave and beautiful, as always.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you so much for your comments. Much appreciated.

[Cody Williams]

A powerful piece of a woman in distress! Thanks for sharing it!

-CW

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you for reading and reviewing.

[Bright Ocean Star]

KLG, this is a powerful, insightful, empowering piece of writing....and I'm proud of you for writing it. Healing takes getting it out on the table so the bright light of day can illuminate the fallacies and the insecurities, and make them all blow away. Awesome write, my fiend. Thank you for sharing it with us.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you. It is one of the hardest things I ever wrote.

[Bright Ocean Star]

I know, and you are the better for it. Whatever power it had over you has dissipated in the light. You are free. :)