ONE Prologue -- the beginning

A beginning before the beginning and the end.

     It does not have anything to do with intelligence, or lack thereof. Kara wished her IQ was 80 instead of 140, then it would be easier to explain. It is not lack of self esteem either.  She knows she is not the prettiest woman in the room, but she is no slouch and she certainly never had trouble getting dates.  The confluence of events that led a rational, smart, driven woman into an unhealthy relationship that later morphed into an abusive one, are hard to explain.

     A divorced Catholic, Kara fell madly in love with a former high school class mate one year after leaving her husband. The relationship, for all intents and purposes, was perfect. Scott was smart, sexy, and attentive. He was extremely romantic. Kara had never met anyone like him. One day, while she was at work, he snuck into her apartment through a window and made her lunch.  They made love on the kitchen floor. She was utterly smitten. On a road trip, he would glance over at her and call her "stunning." Scott's spontaneous romantic gestures had her reeling. Driving in the car one day he tapped her shoulder, "stop the car," he said. She pulled over, worried. In a flash, he jumped out of the car and ran to a field. She watched with incredulity as he plucked a bouquet. He came back to the car, his soft brown eyes sparkling, "they were just so beautiful, they reminded me of you," he said. The eight months she was with Scott were utterly without strife or conflict. They just enjoyed each other. He joined amateur theatre with her. Whose heart would not be captured under those circumstances? And whose heart would not be completely crushed when that same man, the one who told her she was more beautiful than the full moon in August, disappeared out of her life without a word. Kara went on a month long trip, sending him postcards nearly daily. She returned home and he was gone. They never broke up. Scott just moved away. He spoke to her once, when they ran into each other at a Christmas dance, the same year he left. "I am sorry," he said, "I knew you never trusted men to begin with."
     After that, something in Kara snapped. Her first marriage was a disaster -- her husband loved the drink more than her, and her "true romance" was a lie. She picked herself up, dusted herself off, and spent two years trying to use man after man and toss him aside like she had been tossed. She had some serious fun, but never ran into anything serious. Until the man who would be her undoing. 
     Tom seemed harmless enough. He was not really her type. She was planning on the old use and toss strategy when she brought him home from a bar. But somehow he had poetry on his mind instead, and they exchanged writing until the sun came up. They did not even kiss.  Kara went back to college, and they began writing to each other. She was still picking up men, but she lost her taste for it as she became more involved with Tom.  They would not actually date until several months later, and they would not sleep together until months after that. It was all sort of old-fashioned in a new age way. And the best part of it for Kara at the time was she thought she was safe from heartbreak by virtue of the fact that he liked her way more than she liked him. He did not give her butterflies or goosebumps.  Tom made her feel safe. The irony of that is not lost on her, considering how things turned out.
     There were warning signs all right. Kara and Tom had some rip roaring fights in the beginning. Most of them were related to Tom's irrational jealousy. But somehow Kara convinced herself that because she had a quicksilver temper too, that made things sort of even.  She was unhappy with his drug use, but since it was sanctioned by doctors due to his chronic pain issues, Kara let that slide too.
     Kara and Tom were already living together 3 years when the first "Aha" moment came and went. They had a huge fight over money and drugs. The look in his eyes when he pinned her up against the wall and punched over her shoulder was something she had never seen before. She was afraid of him. This man she thought she loved. Kara went to a woman's shelter, and was convinced to press charges. Kara did so, and went to court. By the time they went to court, Tom had weasled his way back in with promises to do better, while still living apart. She got on the stand and pleaded with the judge to have him "do community service in lieu of jail time." At the time, Kara believed all of this to be of her own free will. In retrospect, she thinks Tom may very well have been manipulating her the whole time.
     Tom and Kara stayed separate but dating for several years. In that time, he developed a strange depressive cyclic vomiting illness that was later linked to his drug use by his doctor and his psychiatrist. She went through it all with Tom. There was no sign of the violence returning, and he seemed to be doing everything he said he would. He held a steady job and was responsible.
     September 11, 2001 was the turning point for Kara. Suddenly, life was scary and depressing. She found herself wanting kids. When Tom proposed to her, out of the blue, on September 17, she did not hesitate. She did not even know he was planning it, or that he had purchased a ring. Things were not perfect, but they were pretty good right up until the planning of the wedding. Tom was not a nice person around his family, especially to her. Kara dismissed it as pre-wedding jitters. She would later learn to regret that mistake.
     Her marriage was a cliche' of abuse from the word go -- the first hint of trouble was during the honeymoon. They fought over nothing. He pouted. He "won". They had sex. That would become the pattern of their relationship from then on.  But then again, for a while she was too busy pregnant and having babies to really pay attention to how bad it had gotten. Throwing up in a ditch while working pregnant, and coming home to an unemployed husband who spent all her money on dope while not taking care of the house should have been her first clue, but Tom kept her well sedated with a cycle of fighting and sex. For a while, it was even good between the birth of the first and the pregnancy with the second.
     During a five year downward spiral into depression, sickness, and drug use, Tom lost a best friend, aunt, cousin, and uncle -- three of them to suicide, one to illness. The friend was a brother to another friend who had also killed himself. So Kara, ever logical, kept thinking Tom had every reason to be out of control. She just needed to be patient, and in so thinking she nearly lost herself. Seven years later, she looks back on the worst of it, and realizes, with growing horror, that she, Kara Lynn Goode, was abused. She was emotionally battered in a myriad of ways by the man who promised to love, honour, and cherish her, and she let him do it. She resolves to tell the worst of her stories; to forgive herself for her lack of judgement and her "stupidity" and move on. Divorce is the only option. Reconciliation is out of the question.

Author's Note

Please do correct grammar.

Reviews

[Matching Socks]

I just want to keep reading.
There's nothing I can say here that would express what I'm feeling.
I read on...

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you so much. I appreciate it. April's poem prompted me to put this one up again for reading.

[Matching Socks]

No Thx required. Xx

[A. Amos]

I do have a strong feelings this is your personal anecdote...if I'm right, than my friend I have to pay my humble respect for what you been through in your life and still always cheer others. It's not easy and the way you depicted your tale, it was like watching everything single scene, creating faces of all those men. Tom or Scott and every single incident you mentioned in detail, I like the courage and voice of you as a writer in this highly emotional tale. I truly am glad and proud of you, as you are one of those writer's who truly possess the art of taking your readers into your world; created by words. Accidents and Incidents are part of our daily life, the beauty of your story, would help many people around the world to forget their worries, troubles and pain. The reason...very simple, because they will understand other people are having more worst life than what they are cursing God or others for. I would continue once I get little time free, and finish what I started. Always remember you are not alone, as being a writers our souls are connected with each other. We are like one big happy family, who only pray and hope the best for each other. My doors, eyes and ears are always open for you, if you ever need to share anything...please do feel free. All the best, I truly feel this story would create a fire in the market, need slightly attention; rest its wonderfully written.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you for your thoughtful and considered review. I pulled this one out after reading April's poem. Yes, I do believe it is a tale that should be told, for the benefit of people suffering abusive relationships, and it is part of the hardest stuff I have ever written.

[A. Amos]

You're most welcome my friend...

[A. Amos]

You're most welcome my friend...

[A. Amos]

You're most welcome my friend...

[John Alexander McFadyen]

A dark story indeed. It feels somewhat voyeuristic to be reading soething so genuinely awful.
Not sure I am getting this phrase "She resolves to tell the worst ones;"?

[Lyn Anderson]

Thanks, -- the worst stories -- perhaps I should just put it that way.:)

[AprilRN1210]

honest, real, and relatable on so many levels... people always think it is just the "weak" ones that fall into this "trap"... it isn't.. it can be anyone.. your sister, your aunt, your friend... any woman... like you stated in your review earlier, it is gradual, and there are really good times in there to "off-set" the bad... they are manipulative and incredibly "romantic"... I know how hard it is to write something like this, but I know it does help you to feel better.. and like mine, I hope plenty of people who NEED to read this---do get a change to read it... IT is beautifully written and you get immersed immediately... you let us into the speaker's head and heart... amazing job on this one... I am saving this in my favorites and will be back to finish... thank you so much for sharing this with me... ((hugs))

[Lyn Anderson]

I am glad. Your write prompted me to share. The abused are women, and some men, from all walks of life, and all socio economic backgrounds. What the abusers have in common is their ability to prey on the nature of their victims.

[AprilRN1210]

I honestly enjoyed and thank you again for sharing with me.... and yes you are right ... men and women from all walks of life...

[Jumbo J]

Hi KLG,
powerful write and one I know that's going to be a cathartic journey of self discovery.
When stories are written within the parameters of truth... there is something that stirs the connection between reader and writer in the knowing of such a personal journey... and there certainly was a connection here... I could relate to this story... on both sides of the fence. Growing up, living and seeing domestic violence teaches you lessons and gives you insight into the working's of mental illnesses... and on part there's only two ways to go when this life is thrust upon you... you lie down and let a part of you die... or you find the true love of yourself and fight back. like I said, a powerful write and one I will be keen to follow... read you soon... JJ xx

[Lyn Anderson]

thank you so much.

[Madalyn Beck]

Wow, KL. You are telling of a dark story and something deeply personal. It is etched in the soul of the words you have written. I'm at work and I honestly couldn't stop reading this to care if anyone saw that I was, in fact, not working. Hahaha!

I'm intrigued and hopeful. I want to know of your journey - the pain, sadness, heartbreak, and loss. But most of all, I want to hear the story of you conquering it all and pressing forward. xo (:

Also, I think this sentence should say "Kara went on a month long trip..." Up to you though! You're the master of editing! (:
"Kara went on month long trip, sending him postcards nearly daily."

[Lyn Anderson]

Thanks for catching that. :)

[David Scott]

I suspect this is an autobiography of sorts. It is worth telling because you are not alone. Life is not as isolated as we imagine I think. Even in the darkness we share much.
I think this story would read well in detail.
A fine prologue.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thanks, and yes, it is personal in nature. And I all the sudden want to tell.

[David Scott]

I understand this need. You have my support and encouragement.