Bully

as an author I am trying to write from the Bully's point of view.

       I think of it now and I wonder how I ever did it. That day she came to our school looking like she did in those tight blue jeans and that little lace top. I didn't understand my feelings, but I knew I (wanted) hated her. It is a mystery to me why everyone followed me. I grew up in Nugget, and I was kind of the pack leader of the school. In another place, another time, I might have been a target, with the way I looked. I was always very "butch" - sort of the classic look people think is a lesbian. Turns out, that's what I am, but at the time I was in pretty deep denial. Grade 8 in a small town in the 1980's is not the time to "come out".
      I think there were a lot of reasons I hated that little b***h. She was my idea of hot, of course, just feminine enough to be sexy, but not super girlie. She also was super smart. The teacher took her aside right away first day and set her up with a special lesson plan because she was way ahead of the rest of us. I don't think I thought past the fact that I was just pissed and jealous ...
     She looked small and defenseless at the back of the school yard, up against the fence. I got Jay, and Tim, and Sheila to come with me. The rest of the class sort of just followed. The French kids stayed on their side of the yard, watching, but not butting in. They knew better than to mess with Jeannie. She tried a tentative smile and I knew I wanted to smash that smile. I whispered to Sheila and Tim to hold her down. Jay grabbed her lunch. He took out the apple and bit into it. He never needed any prompting once he was on a roll. He spit it in her face. She recoiled, tears running down her cheeks. Jay turned out to be a prick wife beater. Later on, I always kind of wondered if I wasn't partially responsible.
     I don't know why no one stopped us. I don't know why no one ever said no to me.  Pretty much the whole class except the blind girl joined in. We took turns beating her, and laughing and tearing her clothes. I remember thinking how beautiful she was, all sad and vulnerable, and it made me angrier. I know at one point she asked why we were doing it. I said she was new and wearing new clothes, which seemed perfectly reasonable to me at the time.
     That girl lasted, I don't know, a couple of weeks in our school.  After, if we saw her in town, we still teased her and chased her when we got the chance, but by then we moved on to other targets. My teacher from that year killed himself. We were a vicious bunch of kids, and I am only now starting to understand why.
     I came out as a dyke after being married seven years to my best friend Tim. I try to make amends for all the crap I did in grade and high school, but I have never had the guts to come out and say sorry to anyone, including that girl, who I see in passing on the internet. Kudos to her she never says anything to me, but needless to say, she ignored my friend request. I suppose I could email her an apology, but I know I won't.
     When I think of how people "like me" are usually the bullied ones, and not the bully, it's weird how I ended up being the one pushing people around. A shrink would say it was a defense mechanism, I am sure. It probably was, but it sure as hell wasn't a nice thing to do. I have kids of my own now, and I guess the fact that they are picked on for having two moms is my payback. Recently, my kids had to change schools. Karma? Who knows? But I guess what goes around really does come around sometimes.

Author's Note

I tried to get grammar right, as to content, who the hell knows ... I took out the mature rating, this happens to young people. If I get in trouble I will put it back.

Reviews

[MsJewel]

I do want to add, my heart goes out to you. This must have been quite painful to write and even more so from the bullies point of view. Bravo to you!
:) Julie

[Lyn Anderson]

Thanks. Sad thing is, I do know why she was the way she was, but the amount of damage she caused, I am not the only one who ran across her ...

[MsJewel]

I don't think this needs a mature rating. This happens all to often and you told the story well. I'm sure many, just like me, can relate to this story. To be honest, you have left me with a few tears this evening remembering when I was a new kid in school and lasted one day - the longest day of this too skinny, too blond, too pale little 12 year olds life. Going in my library.
:) Julie

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you so much. I didn't want it to have a mature rating. Notice how it haunts us, no matter how successful or mature, or hot we are now? I appreciate the review.:)

[MsJewel]

It is haunting - definitely something I will never forget and something I don't think I could ever write about. Bravo again to you.

[Brittany Zedalis]

I've found over time that usually when bullies bully someone, there is something going on with them that causes them to be ruthless. It's no excuse to bully, of course, but bullies usually need help. I know some people think you should bully the bullies, but that's definitely not the way to go. This had to be hard to write.

[Lyn Anderson]

It was. I have to say, I am full of confidence in my element, but the minute I get in an environment where there are bullies, they seem to sense me. And adult bullying, that's a whole other kind of mean.

[Brittany Zedalis]

It truly is. I thought when I got older, bullying wouldn't be as bad or it would cease completely, but adults are even worse bullies.

[00000000000000000000000..]

Yeah it sure does, I know because I was 1st bullied than I began to do my own, What a waste. Its never to late to say sorry not matter how you do it. If you do it hey than you done your part , it can be accepted or rejected. One random act can change the world:) Good write M:) Very good:)

[Lyn Anderson]

Thanks. I was bullied by approximately 30 people. ONE apologized. She is now my friend.

[0000000000000000000000000000]

Awww ya know that is awesome to be honest:)

[redflutterby]

Excellent job KL..I find as a writer the hardest thing to do is get into the head of a character you dint like or even despise. But its where true skill exists. Its far easier to write about someone like yourself or someone sympathetic. Enjoyed this write...very realistic.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thanks. It was hard. This woman is something I was never able to get over.

[redflutterby]

I'm sure you werent...sigh. My first book is written partly from the perspective of the bad guy. A narcissistic abuser.. it was hard to delve into that kind of mind. Gave me the chills at points. You did a good job considering the pain you write from. ;-)

[Rachelle]

Bullies need help as much as their victims do. They are victims themselves.

[David Scott]

I have gone back and told past friends I'm sorry... It seldom a helps...
The past is either something they are over or they will never let it go...
Still, it is good for the soul to embrace humility.
I think we need to be kind to ourselves for our past.
We need to help our children be better and not bully.
We need to pay attention to the emotional needs of our children as well.
Great write!
I loved the story.

[Lyn Anderson]

I had one of my bullies apologize. It did help. I speak to her. I don't speak to the rest.

[David Scott]

This reflects well on you! The ability to forgive is the measure of a strong character!

[s y e]

I've been bullied in school my whole life. I am a total outcast in school and it sucks, some days it's fine but others it knocks you down and ruins the confidence you have... or what was left of it anyway.

I could relate to this and felt it all.