Bully

as an author I am trying to write from the Bully's point of view.

       I think of it now and I wonder how I ever did it. That day she came to our school looking like she did in those tight blue jeans and that little lace top. I didn't understand my feelings, but I knew I (wanted) hated her. It is a mystery to me why everyone followed me. I grew up in Nugget, and I was kind of the pack leader of the school. In another place, another time, I might have been a target, with the way I looked. I was always very "butch" - sort of the classic look people think is a lesbian. Turns out, that's what I am, but at the time I was in pretty deep denial. Grade 8 in a small town in the 1980's is not the time to "come out".
      I think there were a lot of reasons I hated that little b***h. She was my idea of hot, of course, just feminine enough to be sexy, but not super girlie. She also was super smart. The teacher took her aside right away first day and set her up with a special lesson plan because she was way ahead of the rest of us. I don't think I thought past the fact that I was just pissed and jealous ...
     She looked small and defenseless at the back of the school yard, up against the fence. I got Jay, and Tim, and Sheila to come with me. The rest of the class sort of just followed. The French kids stayed on their side of the yard, watching, but not butting in. They knew better than to mess with Jeannie. She tried a tentative smile and I knew I wanted to smash that smile. I whispered to Sheila and Tim to hold her down. Jay grabbed her lunch. He took out the apple and bit into it. He never needed any prompting once he was on a roll. He spit it in her face. She recoiled, tears running down her cheeks. Jay turned out to be a prick wife beater. Later on, I always kind of wondered if I wasn't partially responsible.
     I don't know why no one stopped us. I don't know why no one ever said no to me.  Pretty much the whole class except the blind girl joined in. We took turns beating her, and laughing and tearing her clothes. I remember thinking how beautiful she was, all sad and vulnerable, and it made me angrier. I know at one point she asked why we were doing it. I said she was new and wearing new clothes, which seemed perfectly reasonable to me at the time.
     That girl lasted, I don't know, a couple of weeks in our school.  After, if we saw her in town, we still teased her and chased her when we got the chance, but by then we moved on to other targets. My teacher from that year killed himself. We were a vicious bunch of kids, and I am only now starting to understand why.
     I came out as a dyke after being married seven years to my best friend Tim. I try to make amends for all the crap I did in grade and high school, but I have never had the guts to come out and say sorry to anyone, including that girl, who I see in passing on the internet. Kudos to her she never says anything to me, but needless to say, she ignored my friend request. I suppose I could email her an apology, but I know I won't.
     When I think of how people "like me" are usually the bullied ones, and not the bully, it's weird how I ended up being the one pushing people around. A shrink would say it was a defense mechanism, I am sure. It probably was, but it sure as hell wasn't a nice thing to do. I have kids of my own now, and I guess the fact that they are picked on for having two moms is my payback. Recently, my kids had to change schools. Karma? Who knows? But I guess what goes around really does come around sometimes.

Author's Note

I tried to get grammar right, as to content, who the hell knows ... I took out the mature rating, this happens to young people. If I get in trouble I will put it back.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

WOW! This is very heavy & it kinda goes along with the same heavy mindset I had for parts of my recent memoir ("Summer Reminiscing"). This story definitely has strong emotional impact & I like combining good with bad this way, showing us that people are never black-and-white. You've drawn a vivid & believable & understandable character profile that helps us understand why people can be so s****y to one another. I always admire the practice of writing from an unexpected point of view, such as showing us the bully's side of a story. I've always wanted to write something to show my abusive dad's point of view & this helps me move toward that goal. Thanks for point me to this one.

[Lyn Anderson]

You are welcome. I wrote this after my former bully tried to friend me on facebook. It struck me as ridiculous and infuriating and sad all at once. I am glad it is clear it is from the bully viewpoint. At least one person thought not.

[Ryan Henderson]

I really love this story. Best of luck to you in the 'short stories' contest, I am also entered, and I just wanted to say: May the best writer win!

[Lyn Anderson]

Why thank you I appreciate it. Of course, it's all about people reading and reviewing, so I thank you.

[Darkimmortal]

" I didn't understand my feelings, but I knew I (wanted) hated her." I like this line, because it is as if you can hear the second part of the internal dialogue, the part that wanted to be with her rather than be mean to her coming out. Personally I think that was a nice touch.
Also, I usually put any grammar problems that I catch in the beginning of my comment, and there are none because I didn't notice any. So thank you for that.
I myself was the bullied rather than the bullier back in elementary school, so personally I have a hard time relating to what is being in said in the story. That being said, you do make it easy to believe that this is a real person with a real voice, and she is explaining why she did the things that she did. That hardly makes them justified, but hey I am biased.
All in all the story did make me think, and was well written. Keep penning!

[Lyn Anderson]

I appreciate that. I was bullied mercilessly for years. However, there is a flip side to our pain, and that is the pain of the perpetrator. The character I built out of that was likely not as sympathetic as she could have been, but I am glad this story resonates with people.

[Jo Winter]

I did not notice any grammar mistakes. I was surprised by the perspective. Before I read it I expected to feel sorry for someone being bullied. But since the MC was the bully that did not happen.
Well-written and it did get me thinking. I was not bullied in school, and I don't think I bullied anyone, but I still can't bring myself to have sympathy for the bully. It almost seems as if the MC is making excuses for her behavior.
Also, I don't know if you changed it or not, but I was not confused with what you were trying to say in the last paragraph. I immediately thought that when you wrote, "like me" you meant...lesbians.

[Lyn Anderson]

I did mean that. I was just trying not to belabour the point as that is not the main focus of the story.

[Jo Winter]

I saw somewhere in one of the reviews that someone interpreted it differently.

[Lyn Anderson]

Yes, and I did tweak it somewhat to make it more clear, and obviously it worked, thank you.:)

[Shirlena]

Yes, it does and it is recognized under other terms of course payback, reaping what we sow and treating people as you should be treated but people don't really think about it until they are the one's who are suffering. They also scream the loudest when facing their reckoning but good, good story KL.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you so much. I appreciate that.

[Nusquam Esse]

Great job posting this... as of late there has been a massive amount of anti-bully sentiments, which are reaching a cultist fervor. No one bothers to try and show how it feels on the other side of the fence, so I am glad that you did. Children can be ruthless, but so can the world, and yet adults want to judge them as if they were mature. I agree that bullying is a nasty thing, I was bullied a fair share as a child because I was small. But in the process, I learned what it was to stand for something, and along the way I realized that those bullies which seemed so easy to loathe and demonize were human too. Some of them grew up to be good people, through and through... others grew to be resentful of themselves... others because passive-aggressive a******s... others became my friends. And yet many of those who never bullied others, became cruel people as they grew older. The point is, people do change, especially when they are young. People need to understand that children are growing up, and even bullies should not be demonized; although I definitely do not feel their behavior should be condoned.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you so much, that is just what I wanted to get across, and glad it did. Bullying is a complex issue.

[Nusquam Esse]

And yet bullies are labeled and somehow viewed as a collective entity, and not as the individuals that they are... and so the issue will just propagate itself!

[Giggling Star]

Insightful to see bullying from the other side of the fence. Good read KL. I enjoy the breadth of your writing and it makes me consider many of my own life experiences from a different point of view.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank u so much.

[Claire in VA]

Very good story. Marvelous job writing from the bully's point of view.
I relate to this, not because I was bullied, but because I see this many
days on the playground at school. I've been teaching for 19 years, and
it seems to me that bullying is getting worse.
Thank you for sharing.
~~~Claire

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you so much. I hope you enjoy my stuff. I am a little worried, given the content, but hey, that's me, and I assume you are open-minded.

[Lyn Anderson]

Can someone please look at this and tell me why it would be perceived as coming from two different people? I have looked and looked it over and can't see it, because it is my own. I only ever intended it to be from the voice of the BULLY, recounting it from past and bringing it to present day.

[Delmar Cooper]

I was confused because in all previous text there was no mention of the MC ever being anything other than a bully. Then in the last paragraph there is the revelation that the MC has also been bullied. That was new and game changing information. The sentence that gave me pause is, "When I think of all the people like me who are bullied, it's weird how I ended up being the biggest bully of all."
Cooper

[Lyn Anderson]

Okay, I sort of see it now. But I am trying to say people like me as in lesbians, not as in I was bullied also. So how can that be phrased in such a way as to not imply that she was bullied, but that people like her often are bullied?

[Delmar Cooper]

As you know I never consider a story as personal to the author and only consider it personal to the narrative voice. This was excellent narration and very believable in all respects. I felt reader involvement for all parties in the transaction described in the story. I have concerns about the first sentence of the last paragraph. Could you read it and let me know if it is correct, and if it is tell me what you mean?

Thank you for this excellent work. It was my pleasure to read it.
Cooper

[Lyn Anderson]

It is grammatically correct, but perhaps unintentionally clear, I am just unsure how to re-word it without overemphasizing the fact that the bully is homosexual. The idea is that she puzzles over the fact that even though many people who are homosexual are the targets of bullies, she became the bully.

[Delmar Cooper]

I suppose I, as reader, assumed the narrator still "in character" which character was the bully and now the narrative voice reads as that of victim. If you see what I mean.

[Lyn Anderson]

Yes, I do, and that is, in fact the point, which some people noticed and some people did not, that the bully is not only a bully, but in fact a victim as well.

[Delmar Cooper]

I gathered that might be the case and the only problem I have with that is in that line the "author" speaks and not the narrative character voice that came before. A quibble - nothing more.

[Lyn Anderson]

No, that is why I am confused by what you are saying it is all the same person speaking all the way through, and I am wondering why that is not clear.