Chapter One

These chapters are short, I would really appreciate if you would read and critique all of them!

Once
 upon a time...

Chapter One

Amali was hurrying to toss clothes into her suitcase, when she heard the kitchen door slam. Slamming was so frequent she didn’t even flinch. When she heard her mother storming up the stairs, she slid on her combat boots and grabbed her keys.

She pushed past her mother on the stairs, hearing her rant but not taking in a word of it. She ran past the bare walls that used to be filled with pictures of her happy family, but had all been taken down when her sister died and her father left. Her mother didn’t even pause, turning to wave the bad report card at the back of Amali’s head as she followed her. A bad report card was among many things her mom yelled at her for, and she had had enough.
“Don’t you ignore me, Amali!” she yelled.
But Amali was done. She hopped in her car and drove, with no destination in mind. Her curly, dirty blond hair waved in the wind from the open windows and she hurried to close them. The wind whistled in the tree tops and rain was starting to come down. The road she was on was unpaved and the car was rocking precariously. She found herself at the town’s lighthouse, got out, and slammed the door. It was tall, dark blue and white stripes wrapped around it like ribbon. Her black outfit clung to her in the wind, the color matching the clouds roiling above. She heard the ocean crashing against the cliff, in addition to the storm. She hugged herself, shaking, so cold and pale that the freckles on her nose stood out much more than when her skin was its usual tan, and jumped at a flash of lighting. Going back was not an option. She ran blindly through the torrents of rain, and groped around to find a set of stairs. She reached the top and gripped the railing and looked over the edge.

The water was black as night, except when the waves foamed and crashed on the rocks. She turned around and was immediately blinded by the lamp of the lighthouse. Taking her hands off the railing, she covered her eyes and with a sudden gust of wind and clap of thunder, she tripped backwards over the railing.

Author's Note

Please vote! Thank you!

To those who reviewed: Thanks, I added some details that should hopefully have improved it, let me know what you think.

Reviews

[Ripple of Aqua]

The way you write it is very swift and to the point, sharing no details, and getting right to the things happening all the while. I had to imagine what the house looked like, the scenery as she drove, how tall and color of the lighthouse, what her eyes are ect. I don't mind going straight into whats going on, just as long as there is an explanation. Obviously this girl was more worried about something that happened before the reportcard, which leaves me curious and engagged, patiently waiting for what happened before hand.
I am a detail person, and at various points there was none at all, I don't mind making my own convulsion, I just know they might be far from what you have planned, and therefore will backfire when you try to tell me something otherwise.
I thought there were small yellow walls dotted in pictures for the hallway; they may be green with white trim, with family momentos hanging on the walls. Thing like such need to be a told a little more so before more is written. But I do so can't wait to read more chapters.

[BrynnaW.]

In some points I agree with Matt Winters but not exactly all of them. This is a good start and I realize that now you are probably going to work it up and tell us more about this girl. Running away from a report card? I think there is more to it than that and I expect to hear the rest soon. This is a good start so I hope to see the next soon! Good job and keep on writing! Go ahead and send me RR's!

[Matt Winters]

I know in writing you always want to get to the action. However, I think in situations where you are going to have an introduction such as this, you want to expand upon your character.

Currently, I have little to no idea who this main character is. I'm beginning to like her, but I need reasons, thoughts, etc.

I want to get to know this person before I go on a fantastic journey because I want to have a connection with them.

Currently, the character dashing away because of a bad report card, going aimlessly somewhere, and falling down doesn't grab me.

That isn't to say this is a bad story. It isn't. I just want more before I get there so I have an emotional investment in this person and their success or failure means something to me.