Me Inside

This is showing how I feel on the inside during a manic episode.

My eyes are paying tricks again. Things move when I look at them and even more out of the corner of my eye. After I blink, that same darkness is still there, like its following me. I feel trapped, alone, crazy. I feel I am the darkness everyone fears. I'm living in the darkness forever hated by people. My heart beats hard like a rock striking a tree. My mind won't sleep. The thoughts are always running rampant, they never stop. I wonder "Is this the mind of a normal person? Am I the only one feeling trapped, alone, out of place, misunderstood? Am I the only one who can sit and watch all the beauty in the world, and still feel this pain inside?" Then there's the neverending feeling of failure and dissapointment that holds you tight; So tight you can't breathe.The pain of all the you can'ts and the you never will's that spin around your mind. I try to clear my mind of all the unwanted thoughts, but they never stay away. They sneak into my dreams. All my anxiety gets pushed back and transferred into my dreams. They are getting more and more vivid. They effect me during the day. I think today is Monday because I figured out the day in my dream, but It' only Sunday. What did I do last week? I can't be sure because I got last week confused with last night's dreams. So because of a stupid dream, I lost track of an entire week. Everything is fuzzy. The room looks smaller and smaller. My head feels empty, like there is nothing of value in it. My brain runs the rutine of daily life, but I feel like the "me" is gone out of it. I look for things to keep myself busy. Busy enough to keep the random thoughts along with the constant white noise out of my mind. I want to do something that will keep me from focussing on my thoughts. I chew the inside of my mouth! I pul the skin off my feet and lips! I'm self-destructive in my anxiety.These are minor things that distract me for just a moment. I wonder what more major things would do. How long could they distract me?would they make my forget this pain? Will I ever be able to forget? I feel like a crazy person. Like I have no place to go or feel at home. I'm trapped inside the body of this girl day after day. The body take off to do the things that need to be done. I just sit inside her, going through the motions. I sit there on the inside wishing, wanting, waiting for a time when the outside is where I can be without worry. When the outside is a place of comfort. When there is no inside or outside. A time when it'll be just me.

 

Author's Note

Sorry if the spelling is off.

Reviews

[bunmal]

Wow, this is incredible. It's perfectly realistic and meaningful. Some days I feel the same way. Sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me, and it can tear you down in a moment. You did a fantastic job. Well done!