He's So Close, Yet So Far Away

How does one manage having a crush after being raped only a few months ago?

He's right there.

I can talk to him,

But there are bars blocking me.

I want him to hold me, 

To kiss me, 

To love me. 

We are an arm's length away from each other, 

But the bars of my cage are blocking us from being together.

I am trapped and he is free.

I really like him,

And I think he likes me too,

But I am unable to leave my cage.

What my mind wants, 

What my body wants, 

What my heart wants,

Are just not realistic.

I don't want to be vulnerable.

I'm afraid to learn to love again,

Because what if I am taken for granted for the hundredth time?

So I told him.

I told him I was raped, 

I told him about one of my panic attacks,

I told him because I needed to talk to someone and he was willing to listen.

But in the back of my mind, I told him so that he would lose interest,

Because what teenage boy would want to date a girl with such heavy baggage?

But deep down in my heart, 

I told him to see if even if he knew, 

He might still want me.

We text every day.

My face lights up every time my phone buzzes and I see a text from him,

I giggle every time he makes a joke,

And I look forward to waking up and seeing a good morning text from him.

He's really sweet, caring, and funny,

All the things I value,

But I wish I didn't like him,

Because being a teenager who wants to explore her feeling for a boy

And also being a rape victim with little faith and trust in boys, 

As you can imagine, does not mix very well.

Falling for him, 

It hurts,

Because I hate secrets.

All I want to do is tell him,

But he knows how broken I am,

And might just see my confession as desperate and pitiful.

I know that telling him will only give me a slight relief of having one less secret to keep,

But is it worth it?

I don't want to ruin our friendship,

But the more I talk to him,

The harder I fall,

And the more I realize how impossible it is for us to be together.

Author's Note

I'm actually looking for advice on this one, so let me know what you think I should do. Also, any compliments and feedback are highly appreciated :)

Reviews

[Zayir]

I am late, I apologize about that. If you really like this guy, tell each other your life stories. Pouring out your heart, in my opinion, will make you feel better in the long run.

[Lydia Waldock]

Holy moly I can strongly relate to this and I just want to say you are going to be alright, you will learn to be loved, and to love again. You are blunt and straightforward about the way you write and maybe speak about this issue you've had, although that may or may not be different in person it's a skill I'm still jealous of, as I have problems even trying to tell my parents about my sexual abuse. As for advice just because you were raped does not make you any less of a human, you are allowed to love others and although trust is a broken rope just know it's not broken with everyone you meet. Wishing you the best and I hope you'll be able to trust yourself, love yourself and others.

[John the Baptist]

The wounds the children of the earth bear are mind boggling. In this offering the desire for love is restrained by a scar. The only words of wisdom that occur are go slowly and stay open. And if it doesn't work out, don't despair. Faith, time and patience can heal many cuts.

[Askew]

This is both beautiful and heartbreaking. The very straightforward and blunt way you worded things added to the painful message. I can very much relate to this, because for a long time after my incident I found it very hard to trust and love, and I still do. I think props to you for sharing this with the world and being clever enough to realize what's stopping you from being with the boy you like. I think the first step to being happy is to find out what's preventing that happiness. Only then can you begin to work around it. I'm not one to give advice, so I'll just leave you with this:
Do whatever will make you happiest, but also don't be afraid to take a risk. If you tell that boy what you think and he leaves you, then good riddance.