The 21st Century Measles Epidemic in a Tiny, Unimportant Office in Houston, TX

An assignment for my health class. We were supposed to write a story less than two pages about a man who brings over an infectious disease from another country. I wrote mine using dry humor

                Jack was a man from Houston. Jack wasn’t a very interesting man. He got up for work every morning like normal, drank his coffee black and he had routinely boring days. Jack worked in close quarters with people but didn’t have many friends. The closest friend he had was the man across the hallway from his apartment who never went out much except to buy a Jupiter-sized watermelon every Wednesday evening. Jack would wonder if that was all the man ate. Then he would realize that it was none of his business and would continue on with his boring days.

He had a crush on Denise, the woman in the cubicle next to him, but every time he attempted to speak to her, his palms got sweaty and his knees locked up. So Jack would just walk off and pretend he actually had nothing to say to her. Jack never really talked to people much. In fact, he began to realize that the only person he had ever had an unforced conversation with was the watermelon guy across the hall, whose name he did not know.

                Jack had family in Ukraine. His aunt and uncle lived there and Jack frequently visited Kiev to see them. Jack’s aunt was the lady that everyone liked. She was a business woman at a newspaper place in downtown Kiev where she wrote political satire for a magazine that everyone seemed to love. She hated watermelon. His uncle was nearly dead and he didn’t like him anyway. Jack figured that didn’t quite matter then.

On a dreary, uneventful Wednesday evening, right after Jack made eye contact with the watermelon guy across the hall, he received a phone call from his aunt in Ukraine. His uncle was going to die very soon. While still on the phone, Jack tripped onto the stairs he had to take because the elevator had been broken for nearly a year. He thought to himself, that will probably never get fixed. And Jack was probably correct.

                After finding out his uncle was dying, Jack took the next flight to Kiev and skipped work. They probably wouldn’t notice that Jack was gone anyway. Luckily, when he landed in Kiev he was able to talk to all the people and ask where to go because he spoke fluent Ukrainian. Jack wondered if he should move to Ukraine and start another life. Then he dismissed the idea, and realized that he might miss Denise too much to do that.

                While Jack’s uncle was dying in the hospital, Jack helped his Aunt Kalyna prepare for her husband’s funeral. Everything from the burial site to the pens that people would use to sign their names in the guest book. Jack wondered why it was called a “guest book” at a funeral. A guest book was something you signed at a wedding. Why wasn’t it called a “griever book”? Could you really be a guest at someone’s funeral? Did you have to be invited to a funeral? He didn’t want to think about it too much because it made him think about his own funeral and then he started planning it in his head and he didn’t want that. So he started planning his wedding to Denise instead.

                Jack’s uncle’s funeral was also uneventful, like the rest of Jack’s life. He left Ukraine one week after leaving his dreary town of Houston. Nothing had changed when he got back. The sun in the sky still shone down on Jack’s monotonous life, and the occasional rain on the ground made him sad so he still cried every time it rained. His apartment hadn’t changed and he still didn’t know the watermelon guy’s real name.

                Soon, Jack started to experience flu-like symptoms. He had a high temperature and a runny nose, but still decided to go to work. His boss threatened to fire him for taking a week off of work on such short notice, so Jack wanted to show up every day for the next month because he didn’t want to lose his job, and in turn, lose his chance with Denise. But, Jack had been working next to Denise for ten years. He knew deep in his heart of stone that nothing would happen but he didn’t want to give up hope. So Jack trudged into work that morning with unwashed hands, a fever, and a runny nose. No one shook hands with Jack so he didn’t worry about getting anyone sick.

                Jack was the kind of man who never washed his hands unless they were sticky. In this case, Jack had only washed his hands once since he had arrived back from Kiev. He wasn’t a very smart man.

                As the days went on, Jack became sicker and sicker, but since he didn’t have health insurance, he decided not to visit the doctor even when splotchy red bumps made their appearance on his skin. He covered the spots on his neck with women’s make up so that no one would question his health (as if they would anyway, no one paid any attention to Jack) and foolishly went to work daily just to marvel at Denise when he went to and from his cubicle to use the bathroom.

                Then one Wednesday, Denise didn’t show up to work. Jack tried to ask anyone if they knew why Denise wasn’t at work, but no one acknowledged Jack. And so since Denise wasn’t there, Jack went home and died that night by choking on his own vomit.

                The watermelon guy across the hall was the first to notice anything was wrong with Jack, but he continued to the grocery store that Wednesday night to pick up his Jupiter-sized watermelon like usual and went home to eat it like he always did every Wednesday night. Jack was left on the floor of his bathroom apartment for two weeks until the landlord finally decided to check on him and found him dead. The funeral was three days later and the only one who attended was the watermelon guy from across the hall. He brought a small watermelon to leave on Jack’s grave and no one ever spoke of Jack after that day.

                Denise, unlike Jack, had health insurance and decided to go to the doctor. Denise was the kind of person who carried hand sanitizer in her pocket and used it every time she touched something weird. It was a miracle that Denise was even sick. But, the doctor told her that she had contracted the Measles virus. It was a mystery. No one knew how or when the Measles virus found its way to Houston, but a few weeks later, Denise was cured and that was the end of the 21^st century Measles epidemic in a tiny, unimportant office in Houston, TX.

                 

Author's Note

Sorry guys, I'm not that good at humor. I did my best.