Ode to thy love

Here I am now

Aside thee mother

None work is to shun

To apart us any further.

No reason I have now,

No anger or anguish.

For some strange cause now

Neither have greed nor any wish

My past panting has died

He was but too weak to follow me,

To your gentle, genial side,

Unto infinity; yonder I’ll be.

Still bear you used to say,

“Notice the loftiest rose 

In our garden that lay

Has the most thorns for shows”

Still on that path to tell

Pinched you those many a times,

In thy form that produced mine as well

As well as these odd odd rhymes

Yet you cherished me

Flowered upon thy love 

Ages came, to ever and ever be

Drenched in care to thy dove

But here on the altar,

My scrutiny sees the facts

Beside people not too far 

And a bier upon few mats

                               --------Amar laksh

Reviews

[DrD]

I found the lines “None work is to shun,To apart us any further” to be extremely forced. Was the repetition of “odd odd” intentional? I think it’s best to avoid ending a phrase with the word “love” because of its very limited rhyming partners and it becomes forced again such as “dove.” The theme is good and it has moments of very good expression of almost philosophic thought but I think it needs work on its mechanics.

[amarlaksh]

Thank you for your true yet good review sir, odd odd was intentional to emphasize it

[Pragya Saxena]

The poem is deep and has a lot of matter in it!
You have even expressed it well..
But using modern english language would have bloomed this poem much more... :)
Still ...Great Work :)

[Secret Lullaby]

Cute(:

[Echezonachukwu Nduka]

You wrote a wonderful poem here but I think you still need to check some of your lines again and edit them.That way,it'll come out better.Your use of "Old English" is not totally unacceptable.There are some modern poets who still make use of word like "thou","thine","taketh","thinketh","mayes't" and so many of them.However,it depends on how you use them in your poetry.But to be on a safe side,the use of modern English would be more preferable.Cheers!

[de_maruf]

fine

[bob, small b. aka invs]

there is no reason to use old english in this century. and the fact that you don't use it consistently thoughout the poem is even more aggravating. ('your' should be 'thine' or 'thy, 'you' should be 'thou', etc) while i admire anyone who speaks more than one language, it's obvious that you have not mastered modern day english yet. tackling old english is simply too much for you to take on. (to apart us is not correct english. it should be to part us, or to separate us. that's just one example of many). i don't want to discourage you from writing, however i would encourage you to try writing more simply. poetry need not be fancy.

[Meliss@k]

i didn't think anything was too forced, it was a little hard for me to read just because i don't know much "old English" but i feel that people who are more familiarized with old English speaking and writing would say that this was a wonderful poem. :)

[amarlaksh]

well thank you for your review, glad you liked it

[Alex]

well done

[luviva]

just a great write.. i found the first 4 lines the most intriging..

[Pradeep Nair]

"Yet you cherished me
Flowered upon thy love
Ages came, to ever and ever be
Drenched in care to thy dove"

You are superb..
addicted a bit to the old english.....ha...

[amarlaksh]

thank you for your review. And i am a bit :)

[David Scott]

Now this is love. I felt like I was looking in on a scene in India. Your mother has loved you well, because that love still lives in you as evident in your writing.
Enjoyed reading this...

[amarlaksh]

well thank you for your review. but my mother is still alive!

[David Scott]

I did not assume she was gone... I was only refering to that fact that you have had a loving upbringing...
Be well

[amarlaksh]

then its good. :) (cofusion is the mother of all *&^ ups!)

[David Scott]

No worries friend. I did use the past tense... :-)

[amarlaksh]

thats why i worriED ;)