Inner demons

A story about my depression and how it helped me.

I’m lost in an infinite limbo between the tempting urge to scream and cry till my lungs sear and I drown in the pool of my own tears, or do nothing. Either way it will not even make a dent in the problem. This kind of pain dehydrates you, so even the tears don’t fall. Humans are like glass, when we break, we can never completely get fixed. The pieces are swept up and thrown away, as if they never existed, as if they didn’t matter anyway. Each day having to engage in the painful conversations with people, all starting with the same empty question, “ How are you?”  If they truly meant it from the kindness of their hearts, if they truly wanted to know how I feel, I don't know. Numb. Numb meaning that the sadness is so strong and has been there for so long, it has become like a second nature, a personality trait of mine. Really I want to scream at them, ‘I’m tired of feeling empty inside,’ ‘I’m tired of feeling crazy,’ ‘I’m tired, of being tired.’ No one really cares unless you’re pretty or dying. Sometimes not even then. They look at me and ask, whats wrong, call me misery guts. I force a smile, a reassurance, to show them i’m okay. Only I know what lies beneath the act. Everyone thinks iv’e gotten better but I haven’t, iv’e just gotten better at hiding. But my silence is just another word for pain.

The little things, the things I once had a deep love for, the people I once had a deep love for, it’s not the same. Now I can only see things corrupted, melancholic, mundane. Iv’e stopped asking questions now, “Do I deserve this,” “What did I do to deserve this.” The truth is everything happens for a reason. See thats something the old me would have said. Having faith will only get you hurt, it will only lead you to believe that the impossible is possible, that if you have faith everything will get better. They are lies, people have faith to protect themselves from what’s real. A child whose mother is dying, would be told to, ‘have faith’ and that, ‘everything will get better,’ this is only one example of the sick things people do. They create an illusion and some people never see reality ever again. I see the reality. The world is a place we all go to die. There is no happy endings, just loss. Most of the time it’s ourselves that we lose, that’s the worse thing. When you lose yourself, you lose all sense of happiness. I haven’t lost myself, the thing is I know who I am, and I hate myself. My voice, they way I play with my hair, the way act, my face. It scares me that I will be stuck with myself for the rest of my life.

I know what its like to want to die, how it hurts to smile, how you try to fit in but you can’t, But you keep it on the inside, because thats the safest place to hide. The heartache is so strong you don’t want it to spread. I don’t want the glimmer in their eyes to fade like mine has. 

I heard my auntie call me downstairs, Distracting me from my music, sometimes the only thing keeping me sane. It’s one of the methods you use at this point, to block out the world. The best feeling as you melt into the melody, drifting into another world. I gathered myself as much as I could, it was hard leaving the protection of my room. With a newly painted smile I went downstairs, into the craziness of my family, a craziness I was once fully immersed in, not now. Now it only angers me, with no reason at all to be angry.  It may only be my paranoia, but I feel like they don’t even want me, but deep down I know this isn’t true, I hope. 

“Why have you locked yourself upstairs, stop being a teenager and sit with us, we never see you!”

I impatiently sat down though desperate to go upstairs, I felt uncomfortable and anxious. This was a room full of the few people that mean the world to me, a house full of people that I know my life is truly worthless without, they were my family. Yet the only feeling I had, was discomfort. But this is my life now, i’m alone. I drifted into a world of my own after listening to the same gossip about members outside the family circle. Ones that have done wrong to us. It angers me again, the talk about celebrities and Angelina Jolie’s divorce. Even the most innocent things irritate me now. They are just people like everybody else, yet their lives matter more than most. People go crazy just to touch them, yet their lives are just as empty as the rest of ours. While I watched their mouths moving. My eyes wondered, I observed quietly as they carried on with life in the world outside mine, being the safest in my own. 

Suddenly I began to feel a strong drowsiness, as if I would collapse into my own body, just sink or melt. The sensation was a difficult one to describe not positive but not the other. That is when things took a strong turn for the worst. I felt as if I was floating outside my own body, the voices of the people in the room slowly becoming muffled. Then I was surrounded by nothing, but a booming silence, thats when it appeared, a figure from the far distance, I could see it was completely inhuman in appearance, it was as dark and empty as my non existent surroundings. I fluctuated between the feelings of fear and deep wonder, what was this unnatural and necromantic being I saw walking my way? 

My eyes began to dry from the width I had them open at. It was very close now, my instinct was to run. My throat felt corse and dry I felt prickles of sweat dripping down my neck, all wonder and awe had vanished, I wanted to get away. I didn’t know where I was going to go I just had to go somewhere.

“ Always running from your problems aren’t you!” Shouted the being from behind. It wasn’t too far from me.

I froze in my path, almost falling from the sudden stop. Who is this thing, talking as if it knew me. All the cells inside me screamed at me to carry on running, even if I didn’t know where to, but the one voice inside my head persuaded me to stop. My eyes felt cloudy, a sensation formed in my head, like a mild pressure. From behind me, as I stood shaking, I felt a large hand, freezing cold, reach for my shoulder, until it had a tight grasp. 

Almost instantly, we had blinked away from the darkness. We were back at my home, stood outside. It looked different, older. The sky a dull grey colour as if I was in a dream. The black figure loosened its grip, for the first time I turned to see it properly. It was taller than me, around 6 foot. The only feature visible was its big, sad eyes. Its hair was jet black, greasy. Diverse feelings churned inside my stomach.

“Who..What are you? I stuttered to it. The thing turned to me, its eye looking emptily into mine, it looked away again and back at my house. 

“I’m your inner demon,” These four words as cold and terrifying as they were echoed once again inside my head, said to me in a monotone voice, with no emotion. There was silence after them, one that felt infinite. 

“This isn’t real, this is another one of those weird dreams,” I scoffed to myself, “you're not real, why am I even here?” The thing continued observing my house, one corner of its mouth upturned to form a smirk. 

“The answer to your question is in that house.” The thing was still looking blankly at my house while it muttered to me.

“Thats my house, the only thing i’ll find in there is my family.”

“You say it as if it is a bad thing, family is the only reason the earth still spins.”

“The Earth continues to spin because of inertia.” It smiled, and looked at me once again. It’s eyes were mocking me. 

“That’s your problem, you don’t believe in the power of love anymore, you have no faith.” I scoffed, sighed, looked into its eyes. My smirk began to fade.

“I stopped having faith when it did nothing but hurt me.”

“You hurt yourself, you don’t let anyone help you, your’e too busy trying desperately not to bruise your ego.” I gasped, who did this figment of my imagination think it was. What ego? I know myself that I am nothing, my self-esteem doesn’t exist.

“What ego? Who do you think you are, you know nothing about me.” Infuriated I stormed towards my house. It felt different, it didn’t feel like my home. I firmly turned the door handle, which was covered in a rust that shouldn’t be there. The door screamed as it opened, I walked through as cloud of dust blew at my face. I coughed, the thing was still outside, watching me choke to get rid of the dust from my throat. I stared at it with confusion and fury. 

“You want to run away from your problems once again you do it, maybe its better you do this by yourself,” It shouted from across the leafy road, “I’ll just wait here.”

“ Do what? What is it you want me to do? What is this?” There was a slight break in my voice from the frustration, I wanted to know what this thing wanted from me.

“Like I said, you want the answers, they will all be in there.” He nodded towards my house.

“Im in here, I still don’t know anything.”

“Standing in the doorway isn’t searching for answers.” He stood stationery in the same position and smiled as confusion spread in my mind. I turned back to look into the dusty mess, waving my hand to try and clear some of it away. I turned to look at the thing once more and back into the twisted form of my home. I continued inside, every second hoping I would hear the laughs of one of the kids, or my mum shouting at me for not flushing the toilet properly .Nothing. Nothing but the creak of the termite bitten floorboards I stepped on. I never thought that silence could be so unsettling, usually it would comfort me only to hear the sound of my breathing. It meant I was alone, and being alone meant I wouldn’t have to engage in conversation with people, or hide from myself. But this time being alone was anything but comfortable. 

“Anyone here?” I shouted, to check if I was truly alone. No one answered. A chill ran down my spine.

Everything in the house was the same, with one difference, dark colours ran throughout. What once was the beautifully decorated interior bursting with colours, was now a somber, dismal hole. It was once covered in memories, pictures that I never wanted to be in. Just of my sisters, who inherited a beauty I could only dream of. I was like Darth Vader compared to sunshine barbies. However, these pictures were now blank, with cracks running down them. I desperately tried to put the pieces together in my head. What were these telling me? Do they even mean anything? I picked up one of the blank photo frames, stroking it with the back of my hand. I sighed. 

The stairs groaned as I carried on through my journey for one answer at least, every step I prayed I would awake from this erratic dream. I began to smell a damp smell running through the air a smell of rotting like something dead. It made my thought train divert back in time to when we found a dead dear on the side of the road, blocking our way. The poor thing had been run over and left suffering. That’s the world for you, full bottom to top of evil. They will hate you for you skin colour or religion. Gennoside, massacres of millions of innocent people. On the outside they appear to be good, but theres always the underlying poison. Trust people in that big bad world and you will get hurt. 

The upstairs was just as dull, the pungent smell had gone. I walked through the dark hallway, hoping soon I would see some light. It never turned on. I stepped towards my room, the one with the less light upon it, almost as if it was trying to camouflage with the grey wall. I went to open the door, It would’t open, wouldn’t let me in, it was locked. 

I screamed with frustration, all of this and I knew what none of it meant. I pounded against my door. 

Kicked and punched knowing none of it would help.

“I want you to fight, but not this.” Spoke a voice from behind me. I stopped, and sunk to the ground to rest against the stupid door, looking to the being. It beamed at me with a sorrowful look. 

“It’s me you want to fight, i’m the thing on the inside you try so desperately everyday to keep secret. You think you’re fighting me away but you’re not, you’re only suppressing me, eventually making me bigger and stronger.”

“Just leave me alone, you don’t know anything about me!” Tears streamed down my face as a rosy colour diffused over it. I sobbed with resentment, I wanted to go home, but it seemed I couldn’t until I figured out why I was here in the first place.

“Why am I here? Why don’t you just leave and I wouldn’t have to hide anything?” My voice was broken, my words stammering as they came out because of my tears. Gasping for breath after every word. Like the cry you do as a child, when you drop your ice cream, or you get told off. You don’t get your way or someones hurt you really bad. It has been a cry that I hadn’t done in years. I just don’t anymore, feel, care, have the energy. But thats the thing that hurts, I do care. I pain myself, too busy panicking in public, scared of people, what they think. My head says, ‘who cares?’ My heart replies, ‘You do.’

“If life was that easy, there would be no point,” He crouched down to my level, looking into my red eyes. “I can’t just go away, you have to find your strength, your faith, then you will be able to get rid of me. You know very well that everything happens for a reason, this is your test, you need to figure out why you are here. Crying sometimes is a start, you’re finally releasing some of that pain that you have locked up deep inside you.”

I sighed deeply, it hurt. Everything hurts. 

“If I get up, will you please help me?” 

“You can only help yourself.” He let out his arm to pull me up. In his I put my shaking hand.

“How can I help myself, if I don’t even know what the reason is for my problem? I don’t even know where to start.”

“Most of the time there is no reason.” It turned and gestured towards the hallway. I looked into the eery landing. I wiped off the puddle on my face along with a string of snot, it made me crack up, smile, this time I meant it. I have no idea the last time I laughed and meant it. After a deep aching breath, I faced him. 

“Why can’t I get into my room, my room?” I held down the handle a few times, showing it was locked.

“What do you think it shows?” I shrugged, and groaned with cluelessness. 

“I don’t know, because I’m getting changed on the other side?” I scoffed with sarcasm. Regretting my embarrassing joke straight after.

“If you don’t take this seriously your’e never going to beat me.” 

“This is stupid, all of this.” I bumped my head against my door. 

Then he snapped. “You think it is stupid? You think what you’re feeling is stupid! You lock yourself in that room all day, you leave it when you wan’t to eat, always eating! You think you’re hungry but really you’re eating because it comforts you. Then you look in the mirror and hate yourself! After that you don’t eat for weeks, you’re scared that people will judge you. You sleep all day because sleep isn’t sleep anymore is it? It’s an escape! Everything you do now has no meaning. You think your life has no meaning but that’s not true. You make it that way.” 

Tears dropped down my cheeks, every word hurting more and more because of the truth behind them.

“You’ve stopped talking to your family, the girl they see everyday isn’t the truth, it’s what you want them to see. You ne- !”

 I stopped him mid sentence. With a calm monotonous voice. I breathed. “Telling them i’m fine, saves me from more hurt when they don’t understand why i’m upset. They pass it off as a phase.”

His anger calmed down, he sighed. 

“You don’t know that they won’t understand, even if they don’t, they will do everything in their power to help you. They love you.” 

“No one loves me, I don’t deserve love, I don’t deserve anything.”

He stopped, not staying what he was about to. With a face of disappointment and frustration, he crossed his long arms.

“Is that right? You don’t deserve anything? Well, if you don’t deserve anything then you don’t deserve this.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

I began to feel strange, like my stomach was going to fall out of my throat. Everything around me was spinning, eventually blurred. The thing became less and less easy to see, stood in the same position watching me with sad eyes. A weird ringing occurred in my ears. I felt like I was floating outside my body. Then it happened. I was back in the same exact moment I left off before meeting the thing. Back in the kitchen, sat down uncomfortably with my family, as if nothing had happened. 

“You alright loser? Whats wrong?” laughed my auntie at her own joke. I was in a daze, bewildered beyond belief. What happened? How was it possible? I couldn’t have imaged that all, it had meaning. Everything I had seen, the thing, where had it all gone? 

I barely managed to mutter the infamous “I’m fine.” A word with so much hidden meaning. Fine doesn’t mean fine does it? I’m broken, I’m lost, I’m forgotten, I’m crushed, scared, i’m paralysed, I’m misunderstood, I’m giving up. That what it means. Thats what we are too afraid to say.

I had to leave the room. My mind was racing with unanswered questions. I felt like I was going crazy, maybe I was. I ran up the stairs, part of me thinking I would wake from a deep sleep, where all of this had been a dream. See the thing is, the difference between normal people and me, is that when they wake up, their nightmares end. Mine just begin. I opened my bedroom door, everything was normal, like nothing had befallen. I felt a downward spiral of confusion, anger, curiosity. I was helpless. My irritation provoked me to slump onto my carpet, I felt like I was on fire. A painful lump formed in my throat as I held back my tears of frustration. 

“Why?” I whispered to myself, my voice high pitched. 

I woke up the next morning, feeling as perplexed as the night before. My head was throbbing with a bitter ache.  I wanted to go back to sleep and never wake up. I lay for a while tangled in my sheets, staring at my ceiling. A small part of me hoped it would come crashing down on me. Would that solve my problems? Would they be better off without me? I’ll never know. I went back to desperately trying to figure out the day before. What had happened? I had a terrible feeling I never know the answer to that question. What was that thing and why did it abandon me if it was supposed to help? Inner demon? Inner demon? How could my deepest, darkest inner enemy, help me win the war? Why? 

I brushed my teeth, spitting out blood in my toothpaste. It didn’t bother me. I don’t worry about my health anymore, as if it isn’t important. It’s just one less person, the world keeps turning, life goes on. So should death really be so feared? Everyone’s time will come eventually, its inevitable. 

I looked into the dirty mirror.

“You’re dead to me.” I snarled at my reflection, my lip quivered, I felt tears itching to get out. They didn’t, I feel stupid when I cry. There is no point, at the end of it, i’ll still be feeling as empty as I did before. Maybe even more, those tears must count for something. I punched the mirror, even though I didn’t have the strength to harm it. I wish it had shattered it and broken my reflection, it was no use to me, I didn’t want to see it anymore. 

Everyone was already up downstairs, I could hear them talking loudly and the kids jumping on the sofa in the sitting room. It made me dread going downstairs, usually i’m up all night, snacking all night, and just sleep in the day. My parents hated my sleeping pattern, if I wanted to become the successful doctor or lawyer they wanted I would have to dedicate all my hours in the day to packing my brain with knowledge. My parents always wanted a bright future for me. However, I don’t think I will ever amount to anything. Maybe, somehow that isn’t completely true, my parents always knew I had potential, maybe I did. I just felt like I didn’t have the strength to try, but I always knew, for my parents, I had to. That’s really why I did anything anymore.

I sat on my bed, trying to ignore the state of my room. My stomach begged me to eat, I couldn’t take the pain anymore so I listened to it. I went to open the door, it was locked. Then it hit me. There was a moment, so silent you could hear the thought train in my head. My door locked, so no one can come in. Every other door in the house open, welcoming everyone. Suddenly something made sense, I didn’t let anyone in. I didn’t tell anyone how I felt, I had to unlock the door. I had to finally break down the wall that had been becoming stronger over the years. I stood in the spot for a few minutes, smiling to myself. I blinked, for the split second my eyes had closed the shift had happened, when my eyes opened I was stood back outside my bedroom door, in the same moment I left off with the thing. It stood with eyes congratulating me. I looked around, and then back at him.

“Why did you leave me?” I whispered. The thing uncrossed it arms and place its hand on the side of my arm.

“What makes you think I left you, I’m always with you. You just didn’t want to be helped. You’re the one who wanted to leave.” It smiled.

I removed its hand from my arm, taking a few steps back towards the staircase. 

“I want your help now, will you actually help me this time?”

“The only person who can help you is yourself.”

“Okay, okay, okay, I have to help myself fine, I will, just guide me.” 

That day, I realised what is important in life. It’s not feeling sorry for yourself, because people around you don’t see your demons, everyone has demons, some are just stronger than others. The thing inside me finally helped me help myself. I fell in love with my inner demon. He helped me to be a better person and not see the world through a blindfold anymore.

 

Author's Note

Please feedback, i would love to know

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

My young writer friend. This is outstanding. You create dangerous situation and internal fight. I liked the description of struggle and the internal thoughts. You create visions of great struggle. I understand this story. All of us will fight our inner demons. Thank you for sharing the outstanding story.
Coyote

[cookies213]

Thank you very much for your feedback it means a lot.

[Coyote Poetry]

Was my pleasure and you are welcome.