sometimes, i just ramble.

5/4/2008.

You told me you would never leave me.
You said that we would never fall apart.
You said you could never hate me, and I think that's the only thing you kept as the truth.
Everything else was lies, or at least that's what I want to say.
I want to say what we had was ugly, and tainted, and imperfect.
I want to say that you were the worst thing that ever happened to me.
I split the skin on my arms in your name so many times...
But it was never worth it.
You're still beautiful and perfect and immature and a lush.
There are so many reasons I want, and have wanted, to go running back to you, apologizing over and over for saying the things I did.
The nights I spent begging you to hate me, the nights I spent begging for you to just see how ugly of a person I am...
None of those nights are lost on me.
I remember every one of them, and I'm sure you do, too.
And I don't think I will ever forget laying with you in that field, staring at the sky.
Laughing with our friends.
There are so many memories, and what are they worth to you, now?
I find myself begging for my phone to ring, hearing your laugh, hearing you sing me to sleep...

It always seems to be us.
Over and over.
You never leave my mind for more than a few hours.
I hate you so much sometimes, so much I wish you and all of your memories and songs and pictures would just go away.
But they won't.
They're memories and photos and songs, and it's you.
You will never leave.
You're burned in my memory and scratched into my skin.

F**k you.
F**k you for making me regret this, again.
F**k you for telling me you still love me.
F**k you for telling me to not talk to you, just so you don't have to hear my voice.
F**k you for turning my whole world upside down, just to tell me goodbye.
I know I made my choice, and it wasn't you, and f**k you, I don't regret it.
But God knows I wish this didn't have to be this way.
I don't know how life got to be this way.
And f**k all of you, who read this and turn away.
And f**k anyone who thinks that opening up to people doesn't hurt. You open your heart and all you do is get stabbed in the back.
I don't know who I can trust anymore.
I don't know which way is up.
I don't want to be here.
I don't know if I'm happy or not.
I just want to...
F**k, I just want to go to sleep, and stay that way for a good, long while.