letter after letter is for you.

5/15/2008.

Four years since yesterday.
Four years since you abandoned us.
I still struggle to understand what you were going through.
The guilt, the hurt, the sadness, the torture of it all.
I still have a hard time forgiving you for making everyone feel the way you did.
Despair.
Such a fine, simple word, but sometimes, it's the only word you can use.
You made everyone feel things none of us expected, or were ready for.
And that night that we all said goodbye, my dad held my hand.
I still didn't quite understand what happened.
But I was still sad.
So my daddy held my hand.
Four years ago.
That's the last time I remember him holding it.
And under such circumstances...
But, I understand why you did it.
There've been times when I've wanted to just...
I've wanted to die.
The only thing that makes you and I different, is that I changed my mind.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is...
I miss you.
I wish you could come home for a little while.
But you're in ashes on a mantle, so I guess you already kinda are home.
You're right where you wanted to be.
So I guess I'm happy for you.


By the way, my mom lied to me at your funeral.
She told me I wasn't going to be able to see the hole in your head.
I did.