Saying No

Song I wrote on valentines day. Didn't feel very lovey dovey so I didn't add it on here then.

I'm sorry but I can't

I love you but can't be with you

Because shes there standing beside you

I just can't do that

Don't you see

I can't be with you now or ever

I don't want to hurt you

But don't you see her

She stands by your side like a guardian angel

Please just see her

Because she is an angel

Leave me be, love her

Be with her

Because I love you

But I can't hurt her like the girls before

So please just see her like I do 

Author's Note

This song is about two friends liking a boy the first has loved the boy forever the second just started to like him. The second friend is the one singing it.

Reviews

[Priyanshi Dass]

In the seventh line shouldn't it be 'I don't want 'to' hurt you'?
This is a beautifully written piece. The desperation of the narrator is brilliantly conveyed. A wonderful write. Keep writing. Good luck and have a nice day.

[song writer]

Thank you for telling me about the missing to, and I'm glad that you liked it.

[A. Amos]

I absolutely love those verses,  very relateable! amazingly written and well expressed.  Once you give music to this wonderful write please let me know...

[song writer]

Ok I will.

[Closing Thoughts]

This is a very interesting concept!! I feel like this is a relateable situation, but no one ever writes about it.

Critique:

Although the topic of this poem is unique and interesting, it is a little unclear. I wasn't completely sure who the other girl was until I read your author's note. In order to clarify this consider adding little details about their long-time friendship throughout the poem.

I just can't do that
Do what? I would suppose 'that' is reflecting on being with this boy. Perhaps changing 'that' to 'it' will clear this up.

Don't you see
I can't be with you now

The word 'now' weakens the main idea of the poem. It makes the narrator seem unsure; as if, not 'now' but maybe later. Consider something like: Don't you see?/I can't be with you now./No, I can't be with you ever.

But don't you see her
Using punctuation will improve the poem's flow. Just add a question mark.

She stands your side like guardian angel
Add "at" or "by" after stands.

Please just see her
Because shes an angel
To strengthen this, consider saying "she is" and angel instead of she's. This is also a good oppetunity to put more information about this other girl. The narrator can elaborate on WHY she is an angel.

Leave me be, love her
Be with her

Because I love you

But I can't hurt her like girls before
This line is a little unclear. What does she mean by these other girls? This should be elaborated on. OR, consider saying something like, "But I love her more."


So please just see her like I do
Great closing line! The narrators love for her friend really peaks here, and the line leaves an impact on the reader.

Overall: Beautifully concept and well-written. Some minor editing (such as punctuation and fixing typos) and well as a bit more elaboration will really make this poem blossom. Great job!

[song writer]

Thank you for this advise I will try to fix some of those issues.

[Closing Thoughts]

You're welcome. It was really a pleasure to review it, it really is a great poem

[song writer]

Thank you.

[Erik Daniel]

A beautiful poem. Well done sir!

[song writer]

Thank you. I'm not a guy though so please just call me song writer from now on.

[Erik Daniel]

Oh, I'm really sorry...