The absentee God.

Hello!

This is Heaven's switchboard.

How can I help you?

Yes! I'd like to speak to God.

I'm terribly sorry all lines

are busy at the moment.

Just leave a prayer and

he'll get back to you.

Three million, four hundred thousand, and

two prayers and eight decades later.

Hello God! Are you there?

Hello! Typical!

Oh well! Could have been worse.

Luckily, it wasn't a human sacrifice

to some Mayan God

just a whole life wasted instead.

Hello! Anyone there!

Reviews

[Dave Brown]

He probably thought it was just another crank call
Btw I noticed your reference to China's bullying
Same applies here in Canada where they arbitrarily threw two Canadians into jail two years ago
They are on my worst country list and we try to avoid purchasing Chinese products

[andrew mitchell]

Yes I heard about that Dave, just terrible. I think the Chinese government is a sadistic party and threatens humanity

[Chris Shaw]

Liking the humour here Andrew. I:ve given up calling God. I know when I am being given the brushoff. All good wishes.

Chris

[andrew mitchell]

Funny I was devastated as a kid when my prayers were not answered. Never liked religion since and there was some spooky people running the church. Thank you Chris and best wishes.

[Chris Shaw]

All the best to you too Andrew. Liking your new avatar. Merry Christmas. We are all in lockdown in the SE.

[Dave Brown]

Excuse me, I am butting in again but I also notice that England has invented a second more aggressive strain
Tut, missy Chrissy!!

[Chris Shaw]

Yes, there is a new strain which transmits faster. It has put the mockers on Christmas. It ain't happening :) Only going out now for food, nothing else.

[andrew mitchell]

I wonder if China knows more than its telling and hiding with these new strains.

[Chris Shaw]

Who knows. I have my doubts that it came out of the wet markets in Wuhan. More likely man made :(

[andrew mitchell]

Yes there is a laboratory close by to the markets where they made the virus. The animals they infected rather than be destroyed were then sold to the wet markets by mistake.

[Chris Shaw]

That figures. We have allowed huge imports of their cheap goods world wide. A huge mistake which needs to be rectified.. I say quality before quantity. They don't do quality.

[barleygirl]

Merry Christmas to such a hard-working, sometimes under-appreciated, so clever-minded, & a very prolific poet at the cafe! Here's hoping you & yours are all safe & healthy & maybe even able to share some togetherness. I have very much appreciated your steady approach to your art & your never-ending fountain of ideas that are unlike what anybody else is writing. As for this one, that's the way it feels sometimes . . . as if there's so much tragedy in this world right now (USA deaths were 4500 the other day, 3500 most days, like having bigger-than-a September 11 attack every single day) -- how could God really have the bandwidth to process all this s**t? I sure can't! Most people can't! Most people never even mention this covid death toll, one third of the world's death toll every day, so why the hell should we expect God to get His arms around this mess? I'm sorry for my jadedness on this topic. I do appreciate your dry humor & we've gotta laugh or we'll cry (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[andrew mitchell]

Wow Margie thank you very much for your kind words I'm just fortunate that poets like yourself and a handful of other dear poets give me ago. I'm always trying to break barriers and doing personifications of things, objects and words so I'm not everyone's cup of tea, I know that and that's find. The main thing is I enjoy writing no matter how wacky it is. I suppose I'm influenced by so many British comics of the past and quite frankly I cant do traditional poetry, proper poetry, and or popular poetry. Thank you for your best wishes and same to you and your family in these terrible times living in the USA - what a mess! Meanwhile China is bullying Australia no end. I think they have the same arrogance as did the Nazis and their motives around the world are not honourable. I dont believe in God or follow a religion as man has been the most vile and cruellest beings inflicting tortures on fellow man and animals. Its funny Aussies do have a dry wit which can be interpreted as rude and we are the laziest in our command of the English language for if we can shorten any word be it a name or something we will in our own slang terms. I have enjoyed your comments immensely Margie as I have enjoyed your writes. Thanks for the smiles and laughter and Merry Xmas. Kind Regards, Andrew and co.

[andrew mitchell]

The late Dave Allen poked a lot of fun at the church, my fav comedian after John Cleese, and Monty Python.

[barleygirl]

Thanks for sharing! (((HUGS))) I only watched comedy a little bit in my dreary abused life . . . I was mostly a morose person . . . but then I got old . . . my body is shot, but I gained a sense of humor!

[John the Baptist]

Though this one doesn't say God is dead, we are left with the impression He doesn't want to get involved.

[andrew mitchell]

Indeed John nicely put!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

as Pink Floyd sang "Is there anybody out there?"

better than getting a message...I am sorry the person's voice mail is full and cannot receive a prayer
at this time, please try again later.
j.

[andrew mitchell]

Indeed J lol. Thanks for your words. Good album too!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

You certainly have not lost your ability to create such humour filled pieces Andrew. This one, as an agnostic and reformed Catholic, I relate to. Might I offer a suggestion that the two 'prays' are changed to prayer?

[andrew mitchell]

Thanks John as you can see I haven't lost my humour or those damn typos i make with ease :)

[Coyote Poetry]

I do understand this poem. I write a few similar. I am still waiting for the return call. Thank you Andrew for sharing your amazing words and thoughts.
Coyote

[andrew mitchell]

I'm glad you understand the satire of this. People confuse belief with reality. Thanks John.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome Andrew and I do agree.