BEAUTY HAS ITS DISTANCE

Any comments appreciated

She strolls to the window

Her robe slips to the floor

Light touches her inner-most thighs

What she's thinking I'm not sure.

I find myself in no man's land

Snuffed out is her flame

Her flames of desire:I cannot see

They just no longer remain.

Tracing the curve of her spine

From the sunlight in her hair

Her petite curves eloquent

Her skin pale and fair.

She paints my thoughts with pictures

Slowly brushing strokes

A rainbow of all her colours

That desire she evokes.

I wonder, while she's searching

That look seems far away

So I beckon her, come back to bed

To continue our passionate play.

But as she turns toward me

Tears build in her eyes

Is this the end.....I wonder

As she turns to face the sky.

Reviews

[alf]

WOW!! this is soooo emotive. You have dug deep to bring this poem to life. You sense of concern comes through the words, unspoken but so very much there. This is a great piece. The lines are tight, nothing superfluous, just all that love and hesitation. Some slight revision for descriptive phrases and this is a winner, loved this, alf

[Einstein Noodle]

very interesting poem ..for me it celebrates those places we all have and keep to our selves ..and that terror as one may misread it (or not) as a note of leaving :( i don't know if it is deliberate but the repetition of flame and flames ..and curve and curves in the 2nd and 3rd verses lessens the impact a bit for me.. i think the rhyming and the flow are solid .. your poem so intimate ... a special moment .. love it!
E.

[andrew mitchell]

why thank you sir, it was based on a world movie i saw lol

[Einstein Noodle]

read it again ..even more beautiful ...the sense of graceful movement and flowing robes sets me dreaming! .... "she" is something else eh!? ;) ...

[softlyfall]

That infinitesimal gap in time when...things change forever.
You have captured it in a word painting; tender, trembling reflective confusion lacing through the animal desire. It's so beautifully and painfully visible in these words.
Excellent.

[andrew mitchell]

Thank you so much softlyfall

[V]

I like the images and the mood in this one.
But I think, it could use a tiny second rewrite. Forgive me for wanting to change your work, but it might read better, when: Her skin so pale and fair or eloquent without so before - just too many sos in these lines. After she paints... second line: alike slowly brushing strokes f. ex., your original line just reads too short after reading the first. And I'd also leave out passionate before play, I think it reads better, smoother, more rhythmic somehow. But only suggestions. Regards

[andrew mitchell]

Thank you for your input Vanessa. You are right on all but I still like passionate in the way I read it but your other changes are most welcome and I do appreciate your views "so" thank you.:) ;)

[V]

As I said only a suggestion. Everyone might read it in a different way. Thanks for appreciating.

[andrew mitchell]

thank you........................

[Mary Helda]

OMG...i was so captivated by this piece...everything seemed so peaceful and there was desire and love in the first stanzas,,,the last stanza just broke my heart...i didnt see it coming....beautiful

[andrew mitchell]

Thank you Mary :):)

[jesserose99]

not expecting the end there actually, was a bit of a surprise. I like that, and the length is perfect a bit longer for you... It was a very enjoyable read for me.

[andrew mitchell]

thank you Jesse I started writing long poems in the beginning only to have my current writes reduced as I play with brevity. I thank you for your time as always!:):)

[GreenEyedPoet]

"She paints my thoughts with pictures
Slow brushing strokes"
^really loved these two lines. The whole poem gives a great vision to it.
Wonderful piece Andrew!

[Coyote Poetry]

A powerful poem. Knowing the emotion of a woman. A impossible task.
"But as she turns toward me
Tears build in her eyes
Is this the end.....I wonder
As she turns to face the sky."
I like how you led to the strong ending. You create place and vision. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[nazia]

A splendid write.... Especially loved the lines:
She paints my thoughts with pictures
Slow brushing strokes..
This is a beautiful picture that you created through your vision.

[ANTO]

This is really bittersweet Andrew and well penned my friend. The mystery and the sadness is really affecting. I like it a lot.
I felt though that the two lines -
"The firmness of her sculptured cheeks
Her erect n*****s feel the air." - could have been better worded - it seems gratuitous for some reason - its like seeing the painting of the Lady of Shallot with a huge pair of bosoms on it - totally ruined it for me.