WETTING OUR DESIRES

Water in the bath

unites us as one,

submerged in passion

we begin our fun;

touching tenderly,

a moment of love,

wetting our desires

together as one.

Reviews

[Aley]

Hello Mr. Mitchell,

First of I'd like to say that I'm really sorry it took so long for someone to post a review. I think it's rather a shame that this site would let a poem go for so long. The poem itself is short and sweet, to the point. I don't like that you have the capitals in the title, but I think that since the site has so much going on, I can understand the desire to do so.

Your poem in general could use some work. I feel like you have a story behind this poem that you're really not letting come to the surface. For a poem to really shine, you have to find that unique spot within your narrative that portrays how unique it really is. I don't mean to harp on unique, but if you were allowing this to really share itself with us, then we would be able to understand more of what was going on. One of the things I've been told as a student of creative writing is that each poem should have something unique which makes it thus. The more singularly you go towards your own ideas and really express something that no one else can say, the better it will hit home.

Ask yourself if anyone could say this, and if they can, then make it so that not anyone could! What I mean is that I could write this poem, you could write this poem, a newly wed could write this poem. Make the poem unique, make it an experience, not just a worldly-accepted memory of something that could happen. Make it something that did happen.

One of the ways you can do that is by not beating around the bush, describe it in more vivid detail, in details which no one else could experience, make it real in your memory even if you never experienced it. Another way is to avoid saying things that other people say. Don't say roses are red, or blood red, or red as the heart, or red as the sky, say roses are as pungent as your three day old breath, and you hate them because they're too hyped up. No, instead, in your love poem, you tell your lover that they are all the dog fur crawling around your clothes and clinging to you, but you never brush it off because it is love, and you don't want the dog fur gone, ever, and it never will be. It's stuck in the vents of the house in that potent perfume where you used to squirt it on your neck after a long day at work just so we could tumble around and try to make the bed smell like cookies, and you never knew the name of Chay Butter.

Draw the reader in through this sort of language that sounds so direct, so vivid that it had to have happened. The next trick, is accept that it didn't. Look at it from the perspective of someone is trying to make you live this memory which you've never had, even if you have had it, and see what you're not seeing. This takes distance and time, and probably a thousand other eyes asking you questions and posting reviews, but eventually, you'll get to a point where you'll begin to see what you're not seeing.

I like how you use punctuation in the poem. I'd suggest using less capitals, but I like that you're using punctuation scarcely since the poem really has to roll along like the waves in the tub might be. It gives it a sense of flow, aside from the period after fun. Instead you might want to cut out all punctuation and use stanzas. You're already using lines to denote beat, so it wouldn't be a stretch, hah, get it, stretch? You'd be making the poem artificially longer? uh.. It wouldn't be a stretch to jump to a pause in what's going on and a shift of perspective to use the stanzas as separate parts.

I think the last thing I'd like to say is that your title is really good, even though it's screaming. I like that you're teasing "desires" with "wetting" when the whole thing is about this in a tub. I like that. It gives a bit of humor to the poem and adds to the flavor of it.

[A.marie.speaks]

A literal spin to a metaphorical phrase. I love it! Just the right amount of wit mixed with playful romance, very sweet!

[andrew mitchell]

A.Marie, thank you for your kind words and I shall visit you:0

[alf]

Wow!!! Sizzler!!!! So delightfully sensuous and subtle. Mouth zipped . . . say no more except a brilliant write!!!! alf

[andrew mitchell]

Thanks alf lol

[B]

What a nice poem .....
Sweet
I can see candlelight

And frankie in the background lol

[andrew mitchell]

Who else but blue eyes for music lol