Today

The threat of an important game has passed with a hard loss on the team, but not for me. Soccer may be what they have going for them to get to college, I have bigger plans than one being told how to run the rest of my life. Other more important things demand my attention on a day to day basis. Some are creeping closer for comfort with the limited amount I have to achieve the goals I had set before high school even started. My grades are always on the borderline for falling or raising, applications for the National Honor Society are due in two days, tomorrow is Orchestra Day, club season begins in a week, and holding onto the opinions of others follow me around like the bag I cart around on my shoulder day to day.

I’ve seen myself as more independent than most of my friends and relying on my family only for the things I cannot get myself. Their criticism is unfiltered and the one I respect the most. Bullies or jealous girls from my past now respect me for the things I have accomplished that they have not or they are afraid of me. I have a sharp tongue with no tolerance to their ill manner that threatens the lives of innocent people besides myself. Their words have never hurt my chest the way the negative comments from my own parents directed towards me with unseen consequences on their behalf has felt. I understand they want me to be the greatest person I can be, but they don’t know where the boundaries lie. I save them from their regret either way because underneath their tough love, they still do love me even if some days it is harder to see that fact than others. I’m stronger than they realize, than anyone realizes, few know how poorly controlled my emotions are. Home has never been the most peaceful place to come to after a stressful day, sometimes I fear it because of the violence that occurs behind every predictable argument. Still I hold on to the small amount of comfort it offers because it is my home when times do get tough. Nothing is perfect, no one is perfect, I’ve learned. We have our flaws because of the way we are built and because the way we grow. The mistakes we make can’t all be made because of someone else because after all we decide who we are at the end of the day.

School is never as it is cut out to be when you reach that last stretch. High School. The weight of responsibility becomes real, expectations seem unbearable, and finding our own way seems impossible. Homework, sports, clubs, friends, and new events force us to choose priorities. We want to fit in and be the cool kid that everyone knows their name, the star athlete, the smartest kid in the class, the best musician, the best friend. I’ve realized that none of that really matters. What matters is where what we do now takes us in the future. Are we setting ourselves up for success of failure? Success. Not everyone will remain in my life, but someone will always be there. The workload isn’t too heavy to lift, running that extra step is easy, play that hard note will come with practice, and just being there is enough. Struggling is part of life that gets easier to bare, accept it with open arms becomes it makes you who you are.

Everyday I walk down the same halls, see the same people, sit in the same seat. One day all of this will be gone. The anger, hate, happiness, sadness, and laughter will be a distant memory. The guys who have broken my heart will be long forgot as will the pain of the hearts I’ve broken. Maybe I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me but at least I feel. The adventure of life awaits. Take it before it’s gone even if you fear what you will feel because it’s worth it.