The Portrait Of Me

A poem about an eating disorder, and a case of what I like to call "perfectionism syndrome".

There’s a portrait on the wall
A portrait of painted perfection
Guarded by a golden frame
Glittering in a halo of light
Sheathed beneath crystal glass

In the portrait, there’s a girl
A lovely, angelic face
Gentle curves that accentuate
A flawless silhouette
Flowing locks of golden hair
And a smile that shines brighter
Than even the sun

I am jealous
I am inconceivably jealous
Of the girl in the portrait
I strive to achieve all she has
I starve for her beauty
I paint myself in her image
I cry when I am not the same

When I smile, I’m all wrong
The mirror taunts me with my flaws
It knows I am a fraud
My hair is thinning and falling out
Her gorgeous locks will never be mine
I am a whirlwind of frustration
I have not lost enough, so I am lost
What am I losing? I don’t know
But I am still a failure
Of that, I am certain

I push myself harder and harder
Why does nothing work?
I bang my fists against the walls
Of the cage I am building
It’s an endless, tortuous cycle

And with each trembling step down this path
The portrait fades into the distance

Further and further away

Out of reach

Until I despise that girl
And what she has done to me

So I pull her off the wall with shaky hands
Smash the glass that she hides behind
She is a coward; no, she is the fraud
I break the frame in half
I tear her perfect smile into tiny pieces.

Then, I look down at my bloody hands

I see my face reflected in the shards of glass

I blink.

She blinks.

And I realize:

She was who I used to be.

Reviews

[PaperHearts]

This was such a poignant piece! My sister suffered from an eating disorder, so reading this meant a lot to me. Knowing what she went through, yet only ever seeing it from my perspective, this poem gave me an amazing insight into the thought process of people who suffer from this. I think that you captured the emotions of this girl perfectly, and the descriptions of both the character and the situation were really well-written. The concept of the mirror was a really great idea, and I liked the fact that you carried that motif throughout the entire piece. I read a few of your more structured, rhyming poems before reading this, and I personally think that your freeform writing is so much more powerful and creative.
Anyway, this was a really impressive, compelling piece. Well done,
~PaperHearts

[Theresa]

Wow. This is full of emotion and a truth that so many can relate to for many different reasons. While I have never suffered from a disorder I have made myself feel guilty for not being able to keep up with the way I use to be. It's like you can't help but always compare yourself to who you use to be. Get upset when jeans don't fit the way they use to, or your hair doesn't seem to fall the same way. This is what I was thinking as I read it. This is truly a great piece. Nicely done. Thanks for sharing.

[TheActOfRandomness(:]

AWH! BG! That's so sad.. Geez.
I LOVED it!

[DreamSharer]

This was beautiful and very meaningful. I think you have rightly portrayed what a person going through this disorder suffers from and at the same time you have captured everything from her point of view. The way you described the emotions here are wonderful.

[Sheila Marie Carr]

This one really get to me
I can relate in so many way for I too suffered from eating disorders in the past, I know the pain of wanting to be that image that we have in our minds of the perfect person, with the perfect body. Even though I am in recovery, when I am stressed sometimes those old ways seem to want to creep back in. Great job on this write.