Poisoned Mind

 

 

 

You poisoned me

My thoughts are tainted with the lies

My mind wanders with terrible ideas

Though you are being true

I think, I hope, I don’t know

If you are….

Here the doubts again flow

Through my head

You poisoned me

With your endless dishonesty

Need to trust again,

Want to trust again

Have to find the antidote

Can’t live consumed

In this questioning state of mind

Give me the anti-venom…please

So I can breathe easy once again

Author's Note

First Draft...I literally just jotted this down, let me know how it is :) Thanks!

Reviews

[emmajoy]

Sad but powerful poem. I like the way you've written that first line referring to poison, then, in the penultimate line you've asked for anti-venom.. what comes between those phrases really tells the reasons and feelings why.

Think you've mis-spelled antidote as anecdote...

Thanks for sharing a poem full of deep feeling.

[poetic soul]

wow!! so effortlessly you jotted down the bitter feelings of being victimized to someone's lies....really it does poison u..loved the subtle yet ruthless tone that flowed thru the poem...
nice one Lauren..

:) Love,
Krishna

[~angelalala~]

ahh, i can relate. for just jotting this down, this is a deep & profound write. often we are poisoned by doubt, by untrust, from actions of others, from our own insecurities. it is hard to find trust, especially once it is lost. a great write. simple but powerful.

[Jaffa Forbes]

For a first draft this is very good! It feels technically quite sound with a good use of repetition which strikes of anger and err, venom? Something like that. Vengence, I think I meant vengence. Anyway, good stuff. I would encourage you to use more punctuation in this piece, I think that there is a place for using none at all, but perhaps this one would benefit from it. Certainly in the the last two lines the effect of the 'please' is made less strong by the fact as a reader you automatically run on into the last line. It might even work nice if you made the last line separate from the rest, y'know, a kind of 'breath' for the reader? Just a suggestion.
Nice as always,
Keep well,
Jaff

[just is]

In this questioning state of mind
Give me the anti-venom�please
So I can breathe easy once again

Wonderful lines here,
This is amazing, once again
I can feel the feelings you have penned.

[Caleb Benton]

very good write hear. you do a great job of showing the pain and anguish one experiences from uncertainty. It hurts to no someone lies, but it hurts worse to not know. Good Job

[unlovedpoet]

so ....sad ......heart break is a poison that only true love can cure but true love is a cure that can not be found


nice job full of emotion

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Very nice for a first draft... I love the raw intensity of your emotions flowing... tainted by bad love and needing the cure, coarse the only one I know is time. Great write.