Chapter One

Her first day goes horribly wrong!!

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! 

Ugh, 5:30 a.m. time to get up. I dragged myself out of bed and got in the shower. First day of school here I come! I thought to myself "It's my senior year, I have to do something crazy." too bad I'm just a nobody. 

I finished my shower, put on my makeup, curled my hair and threw on my new outfit! I think I look pretty decent but all the girls at my school look like Vicky's Secret Angels. 

7:00 a.m. - finally at school. I get out of my car and head towards the large red doors. 

"Hey babe!" I turned around and see John running up to me. 

"Oh hey babe how was -" he cut me off as usual 

"Hey let's go shopping this weekend, I need new clothes." 

"Okay! I need new cloth-" again. 

"Okay bye Cloe! See you Saturday!" 

John ran off and from a distance I could see him grab Valerie's hand, Valerie was one of the most popular girls, perfect blonde hair, long toned legs, beautiful blue eyes, she was every guy's fantasy. I sighed and headed towards my first class.

"Cloe! Wait up!!" I turned to see Justin walking toward me with his posse. Justin was one of the male heart throbs here. What does he want from me?! He's never even talked to me. I didn't even think he knew my name..

"Uhm.. Hey Justin." I looked down nervously, popular people never talk to me! 

"Hey Cloe! Me and my friends are throwing a huge party to kick off senior year! I hope you can make it, wear something sexy!" he smiled and walked away to The Fountain with his posse. 

Is this a dream? I wondered, I've never gotten invited to a party! Ever! I started walking to class, my mind was all over the place. But I felt someone staring intensely at me, I turned to see Justin eyeing me up and down. Wait! Did he just wink at me?! I ran to class. I don't know how to act around people like him. 

Class was finally over, I could not pay attention today.. When I walked through the door to the hall, I saw John standing there, he never talks to me during school so I slowly walked up to him, confused. He looked angry but scared. 

"YOU LITTLE F*****G S**T!" he screamed. 

I felt something slash my face .. Did he really just slap me?!...

I fell to the ground, I couldn't bare to look up. 

"You dirty little s**t! I can't believe you would cheat on me!" His words pierced through my heart, I had never been called a s**t. 

I looked up to see everyone in the hallway staring at me.

"John..." I said in a whisper. 

"SHUT UP! YOU'RE A PIECE OF S**T!"

 I grabbed my backpack and started to get up, I had to get away before the tears started falling. 

As I started getting up I felt his shoe slam against my chest and I hit the ground once more. 

Someone save me.

"WHY DID YOU CHEAT ON ME YOU HOE?!" I gathered up my thoughts. He's the one who cheats on me every f*****g day! I never said a word! I never cheated on him, I loved him!

I looked over and watched him get closer and closer. John picked me up by my hair and threw me into the lockers. 

"It's over I hope you f*****g die you s**t." 

He walked away as I fell to the ground. The tears kept falling from my eyes. Everyone was just staring.

I grabbed my stuff and started running for the doors. I had to get out of this place.

I was running down the hall with tears all over my face, 

BOOM!

I  fell to the ground, I looked up to see that I had run into the most popular guy in school, Cameron. 

His friends walked between us with angered looks on their faces, I closed my eyes getting ready for another punch. 

Please tell me this a dream.. Please tell me this isn't real. 

I opened my eyes, this was real.. 

I closed my eyes. 

Why is this happening to me? Seriously. What have I done wrong?? 

I heard someone clear their throat, I looked up and saw Cameron looking at me right in the eyes. 

Oh gosh. It was the first time he ever looked at me and I look like a f*****g train wreck. 

His eyes were full of anger and hate. But he pushed his friends aside never breaking eye contact with me. 

Cameron reached his hand out to help me up. 

Was I suppose to grab it?? Why am I so damn awkward!

I lifted my arm up towards his, my hand was shaky. 

When I finally grabbed it he pulled me up and he held on to my hand. He dragged me down the hall and led me to the benches outside. 

"Who did this to you?!" Cameron reached out and touched the red mark on my cheek. His eyes were full of anger. 

I was really nervous, I had no idea what to say. 

He mumbled to himself, I think he said, "who the hell would ever touch a girl?" 

I kept crying and Cameron still looked at me with hateful eyes. No one was talking. The only sound was my sniffling. 

"Let me take you home." he finally broke the silence. He got up off the bench and led me to his car. I don't really know my cars but he drove a nice car! 

I typed my address into his GPS and sat in silence. 

We got my house, I'm not rich. I live in a little two room apartment with my mom and older sister, Lilly. My dad died when I was six and he was my only best friend. My mom and my older sister hate me because they like to blame me for the death of my father. 

Cameron told me he wanted to come inside. We walked silently to my apartment. When we finally got to the door and I let him in. I don't have a room cause my mom and sister took the rooms. I usually just sleep on the couch. 

"Uhm sorry it's so small," I said in almost a whisper. 

"Don't be sorry Cloe, uhh where's your bathroom??" 

"Oh follow me!" 

We walked down the little hall towards the bathroom. I saw the picture of me and my dad right before he died. I flinched. I miss him. 

"Its right there" I pointed towards the bathroom. 

Cameron locked the door and I walked back to the living room and sat on the couch. 

Well I'm single now. Everyone at school watched me get beat up by my boyfriends. What a great start to senior year... 

I heard the front door open and saw my mom and sister standing there. 

Oh god! What are they doing home?! 

I got up and said hi to them but my mom stormed toward me and slapped me where John slapped me. I felt the blood start to roll down my cheeks. 

Everyday my mom beats me up because she believes I killed her husband... I didn't. 

Me and my dad were driving home after he got me ice cream! Like I said we were best friends. A drunk driver was on the road and he hit us, it was a head on collision. My dad died immediately. I was in a coma for two months. 

"YOU STUPID LITTLE B***H!" my mom screamed and took the broom! She kept hitting me. Tears rolled down my face as she kicked my head. She grabbed my collar and threw her last punch. 

Someone caught her punch, I looked up and saw Cameron standing their. Overwhelmed with anger, he opened his mouth to say something.... 

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Author's Note

my first book/chapter.. any advice/comments?

Reviews

[Riley]

I want to know what the heck Cameron says, but other than that you have a good story going, depending if you are trying to make a short story or a longer story, if you want a fairly good long story, try dragging out the day a little more, and other than some other minor errors it seems to be good. I just hope this hasn't happened to you for real. Just slow down the pace a bit and fix the little error's here and there and you'll be good!

[Ashley]

its okay. well i dont think it flowed well, it got a little confusing who was speaking, and it did get a little random. break the chapter down more. work on your spelling and grammar. overall, it wasnt good but it wasnt bad. just keep writing to get better

[Cayleigh Marie]

Hi, I read your first chapter, and here are my suggestions.

I think you have something promising here in your first chapter. Your basic idea is a first day of school gone horribly wrong. That's something you can work with. That's good.

Some things to think about:
*Is this your main character's first day at a new school?
*Develop the main character and her boyfriend more. I feel like they are very one-dimensional and flat. They need to have drives. What makes them tick?
*There needs to be a hook in the beginning. Grab us with something to make us WANT to read more. If I didn't previously agree to review this, I would have stopped at the first line, no offense.
*Here is a great quote by a famous and prolific author: "Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke." F. Scott Fitzgerald. It worked for me. It can work for you, too, since you seem to overuse them.

Errors:
*No offense, but there are FAR too many errors for me to do a line-by-line edit of them. Pay attention to that red line under words: it lets you know if you've misspelled something. Check your contraction: it's/its; their/there/they're; your/you're; etc.

Style:
*Sentences are short and choppy. Try to add some combination sentences, and don't be afraid of conjunctions (i.e. and, but, or, etc.) Vary your sentence structure. Look up "gerund sentences" on Google. Maybe that'll help.
*You seem to bounce around the scene a lot. Don't be afraid to really focus on a character's experience. Remember, in each scene, stay only in one character's viewpoint. It sounds like you're bouncing around a lot.

With a little bit of hard work and effort, you can be a good, if not a great, writer. As for now, you need a lot of improvement, though.

Check your inbox on here. I'll send you a little helpful thing you may want to try.

[SuicidePact.]

I love this!

its well written, and It kept me interested.


You are very talented

[A. V. Madison]

I agree with Riley, but it's a pretty good start

[NotEasilyBroken]

Its sort of choppy and ameature like. It reminds of the stories I use to write when I was 12. Not being harsh. It has a fantastic storyline and it would be great with better details...and more of a character build up...other than that fantastic idea and concept. :D But im saying this as a learning writer myself and speaking as a perfectionist..

N.E.B